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029 I Lisa Sharon Harper on The Very Good Gospel and Fortune

Portrait of Lisa Sharon Harper, a speaker, writer, activist, and artist. She is featured as a guest on The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast. Books by Harper, 'The Very Good Gospel' and 'Fortune,' are displayed in the image.
Buy Lisa Sharon Harper’s books! The Very Good Gospel and Fortune and find more resources at lisasharonharper.com

Several years ago, I read Lisa Sharon Harper’s book, The Very Good Gospel, and it rocked my world. She asked the simple question: was the evangelical gospel presentation good news to her enslaved great-great-great grandmother, who had lived a life of subjection and oppression, who had been repeatedly raped and whose children had been stolen from her, time and time again? Would hearing that she was a sinner and that God had to punish her for her sins, but Jesus took that punishment for her and if she believed that, she could go to heaven when she dies sound like good news to someone who had suffered so much in this life? And then Lisa Sharon Harper fleshed out very good news, of God’s plan of redemption and healing for all that was broken by the Fall, a vision of shalom and wholeness and peace for all of God’s creation. I highly recommend you read The Very Good Gospel!

So when Harper’s book, Fortune: How Race Broke My Family and the World–and How to Repair It All came out, I bought it immediately. But it sat on my nightstand for over a year as I worked up the nerve to be heartbroken for her family, and for all of the families that have been wrenched apart by racism in our country. It was another powerful read. Lisa Sharon Harper is a prophet of reconciliation and healing and I pray that those who have “ears to hear” will recognize that in our conversation.

In this episode, we talked about Harper’s faith background and journey to understanding justice. We talked about the biblical concept of shalom and its relevance today; about the historical roots of systemic racism in Christian theology, and how Plato and Aristotle have influenced Western theologians, leading to justification for colonization and slavery. And we talked about the biblical view of equality and justice in Paul’s writings, and the our future hope of reconciliation and new creation as Christians.

I hope you enjoy our conversation, and then be sure to follow Lisa Sharon Harper’s work and continue to learn from her.

Buy The Very Good Gospel and Fortune. Find more resources at https://lisasharonharper.com

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TRANSCRIPT:

Rev. Ruth Perry (00:17)
My guest today is Lisa Sharon Harper, who has maybe more than anyone else, impacted my own faith as someone who I’ve read and followed for a long time. And so I’m just brimming with gratitude today that you would come on my podcast. And I just want to say right out from the gate that this is something that I know about you, is that you love people.

And that your ministry is coming from a good place. You’re a good person with a massive heart. And you coming here today is just another sign of the goodness of Lisa Sharon Harper. And so I’m thrilled that you would come on today so I can introduce you to my audience.

Lisa Sharon Harper (00:53)
O my goodness. Thank you so much, Reverend Perry. I mean, it’s actually a real honor to be with you and your community today. And I am honored to be a part of your story, any part of your story. Thank you so much for reaching out and I’m excited to be in conversation with you.

Rev. Ruth Perry (01:09)
Well, I had you on to tell your story, but let me just say why you’re such a big part of my story before we start. I’m probably the evangelical church’s golden child. I couldn’t have been a better evangelical. That was how I was raised. Not in the Bible belt, but very influenced by the evangelical culture in my formation years.

I went to a Christian college, Gordon College, to study music so I could do music ministry in the church because I didn’t think women could have this kind of ministry that I have today.

Lisa Sharon Harper (01:40)
Come on.

Rev. Ruth Perry (01:41)
And while I was at Gordon College, they advertised a spring mission trip to go build a house for Habitat for Humanity. And I signed up because I thought the student leader was really cute and maybe I’d get to know him. But they had too many people sign up, so they put half of us into a mission trip to Washington, DC to learn about racial reconciliation. And I did not know that I didn’t know so many things. And I’m continuing to learn. That was 24 years ago. White evangelicals do not know a lot. And one of the

Lisa Sharon Harper (02:11)
Yeah. Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (02:12)
biggest lessons that I learned that week was to listen better. And I learned that most white evangelicals are only listening, of the people that they are friends with and following, one percent is non-white. And so the first

Lisa Sharon Harper (02:24)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (02:24)
thing I did 24 years ago is I tried to diversify my algorithm. And I was just listening to all male pastors and book writers. And I started, I don’t remember exactly when I found your ministry, but I followed you and I devoured

The very good gospel in twenty sixteen. I just read Fortune this this summer.

Lisa Sharon Harper (02:48)
Good.

Rev. Ruth Perry (02:48)
But The Very Good Gospel really changed my theology in profound ways.

Lisa Sharon Harper (02:52)
Mm-hmm.

Rev. Ruth Perry (02:53)
And so welcome. Can you tell us, Lisa, a little bit about your faith background and I’m especially interested in hearing about where you came from and how you came to your first pilgrimage, because pilgrimage is a big part of what you do. So could we start there today?

Lisa Sharon Harper (03:07)
Well, that’s really great. First of all, I wanna say I see your Ruby Woo lipstick. Hello. Speaking of pilgrimages, we did this for those who don’t know. We used to do a pilgrimage called the Ruby Woo pilgrimage. It was a women’s empowerment pilgrimage for evangelical women. And we did three of them and they were amazing. And actually we were gonna keep it going, but then COVID happened and you know.

So but my story, I can’t start my story at myself. It has to begin with my ancestors. And the reason for that is because there’s a larger story than just my decision to follow Jesus at the altar in 1983, August 21st, around 9 30 PM at a Sunday evening camp church meeting. That’s where, white evangelicals will begin the story, right? Because that’s the date that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

Or what I like to call the date I jumped the broom with Jesus. But if I’m honest, and also for us to appreciate that moment and what came after, we have to go back because my family is a black family in America. And we actually have a deep and long history with the Episcopal Church in America, the black Episcopal Church in America.

If you’ve read Fortune, Fortune Game McGee was born and raised in 1687 on the eastern shore of Maryland. And her family line goes in a few different directions, and one of those directions goes to two historians have traced her progeny to James Fourten, who changed his name to Fortin, we believe, when he went up north, in order to avoid slave catchers who were looking for Fortunes because they were usually escaped enslaved people. But he became one of the richest people in Philadelphia, regardless of race. He was one of the richest people in Philadelphia, and he helped to fund the abolitionist movement.

He also helped to start the black stream of the Episcopal Church, when Absalom Jones founded St. Thomas’s Episcopal African Episcopal Church here in Philadelphia, the church I now go to. And so he helped to put the seed money up for that. He was one of the founders of that church. And so our history in the Black Episcopal Church goes way back. So my mom, when she grew up, she grew up going to the Black Episcopal Church, to St. Simon’s Church, which is really just a few blocks down from where I live now, in in South Philadelphia. and that was one of the five major black Episcopal churches here in Philadelphia.

My great-grandmother went to St. Simon’s and then other black Episcopal churches. but my mom actually stopped going to church in the 1960s because she was so disillusioned. It was her job in the 60s, with SNCC, the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, to organize churches, to get churches in Philadelphia to host Stokely Carmichael when he came into town. He was the leader of SNCC at the time, Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee. And it was her job to get him pulpits to speak in. And nobody would have him speak after he spoke on black power. When he got up on the bed of that truck I think it’s Broad Street Park down in Mississippi, Money, Mississippi, near Money. And he said, We need to get us some black power. We need to be able to break any political machine that wants to come against us. White America took that as a existential threat. And the black church even in the United States at that time was not fully engaged in actually trying to stay out of trouble.

So when my mom was calling around to churches, there was only one church in all of Philadelphia that would take Stokely Carmichael and place him in the pulpit. And that I believe was the Church of the Ascension. And so my mom was disillusioned and she left the church. And really the Civil Rights Movement became her church. And so I didn’t grow up in church.

So when I found Jesus, I grew up asking the question of who is God and what is prayer and, Who’s this Jesus guy? I thought that Luke was the main man in the Bible because that is the name of the church that where I was I was baptized, Saint Luke. And we went there like every other Easter on a good year, you know. but obviously he’s not the main man. He did write one of the main texts, but he’s not the main man. And so it was in the context of a white evangelical parachurch ministry, Young Life.

And then subsequently a white evangelical little country church, Wesleyan Church in Cape May, New Jersey, where I began to go every week to the youth group and and they discipled me over the course of a year, where I began asking the question of who is Jesus? What is prayer? How do we touch God? How do we reach God? How do we communicate? And that was where I found Jesus. And I ended up walking down the aisle at a Sunday evening camp church service on August twenty first, nineteen eighty-three.

And very soon after that, was handed a tract that told me that I needed to vote for Reagan, even though I was only 14 years old, I couldn’t vote. Where am I who am I gonna vote for at 14 years old? So I got that tract and I took it home to my sister and I shared with her, you know, if Mondale wins, I think it was Mondale, We’re all gonna be rounded up into concentration camps, because that’s what the track said. Mondale is the Antichrist and he’s gonna round up all the children and put them in concentration camps. Well, you know, just come to think of it, there is a leader that we have right now that is rounding up children and putting them in concentration camps. Maybe we should think about the Antichrist in that direction. Hmm, somebody said, hm.

Rev. Ruth Perry (08:24)
Yep.

Lisa Sharon Harper (08:25)
So anyway, right. So I for a long period was deeply like yourself, deeply embedded in the white evangelical church. was in campus mostly parachurch ministries, but also the church. I mean, I went to a United Methodist church before quote before they said before they went liberal. The UMC went liberal.

And I was in Campus Crusade for Christ, back when it was called Campus Crusade for Christ in the 1980s. I was in Intervarsity in grad school and then went on staff with intervarsity in the 1990s. And so I was on staff with intervarsity for 10 years and deeply committed to that evangelical vision of the world.

I had no questions and no qualms, except that by that time I had begun to understand that this race thing is for real and we need to deal with it within the evangelical church. I had not done major reading on it. I’d only read, interestingly, evangelicals’ take on it, which obviously doesn’t give you the whole story. But it was the experience of pilgrimage in two thousand three that changed everything for me.

I had already been leading in racial reconciliation in Greater Los Angeles with Intervarsity, now on staff with them for several years. And we did a pilgrimage called The Pilgrimage for Reconciliation. And it retraced the Cherokee Trail of Tears for the first two weeks and the African experience in America for the last two weeks. We were on the road for a month. Most people don’t do that now. It was a million-dollar project, it was crazy.

And it was Intervarsity. Intervarsity did this. they made this investment because back in the 1990s they actually did get deeply invested in racial reconciliation, but they found that people were beginning to complain that it was pulling them away from the real work of Christianity, which is evangelism. And so they were trying to figure out what’s the relationship between the two. There is a relationship in scripture, and you see that most clearly in ironically, Luke.

Luke four, when Jesus shows up on the scene and it’s his inaugural address and he says, Why have I come? Here’s what I why I’ve come. And he reads from Isaiah sixty one, I have come to proclaim good news to the oppressed, to the captive, release for the captive. the blind will see and the year of the Lord’s favor, which is economic like an economic overturning. It’s where the high are brought low and those who are low are brought high. There’s an evening of the playing field economically in the Jubilee.

And so that was Jesus’s inaugural address. And so I was struck on this pilgrimage that this biblical concept of shalom incorporated that vision that we see in Luke. It held both. It held both the good news of Jesus and the reality that all things must be reconciled, not only back to God, but to each other. That the fall, the fall itself was not only a break between humanity and God, it was a break between all things. All things. And so God’s vision is not so small that he and she only imagines that only humans can be reconciled or should be reconciled to God. God’s vision is expansive. It is eternal. It is infinity. It is all things being reconciled to all things, including our relationship with God.

And and the relationship between the genders and the relationship between us and the rest of creation. No whales need to be saved. No manatee need to be saved. No elephants need to be rescued from zoos. No lions are emaciating in captivity. You hear what I’m saying? You hear what I’m saying?

Rev. Ruth Perry (12:00)
Yeah.

Lisa Sharon Harper (12:00)
And there’s no climate change because in that vision we are stewarding the wellness of all the relationships in creation and the wellness of the systems that govern us, all of us. They govern us in ways that bless all. There is no cursing on the first page of the Bible, which is where this is all grounded. And so that pilgrimage really challenged my simplistic, incredibly narrow view of the gospel that I inherited from Intervarsity and Campus Crusade, mostly Campus Crusade, that four spiritual laws, right? And it challenged it.

It blew it up. And that’s where for the next thirteen years I really wrestled in the scripture through this concept of shalom. And that’s where The Very Good Gospel was born. It was born out of that wrestling. And it was born out of me speaking on it for thirteen years in various ways. And then finally people just started in my last few years, they said, Where can I read this? Where can and I’d have to point them to like ten different books that I was getting it from.

And then finally I just heard God say, Write the book, it’s time for you to write the book. So I wrote it.

Rev. Ruth Perry (13:06)
I feel like the well, I don’t feel like the evangelical culture is individualistic and it does emphasize authority and give hierarchy to some and put others under other, you know.

Lisa Sharon Harper (13:19)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (13:20)
And so reading The Very Good Gospel was the first time that I had all of those hierarchies plateaued and recognized where is the resistance in evangelical culture to caring for the planet? Like there’s so many things in evangelical culture that are contrary when you really think about caring for God’s good creation, where we would prioritize capitalism over caring for our vulnerable and marginalized and poor.

People in my area, they had a community wide revival this every year, but this past year the speaker, was talking about false gospels and the very first one is social justice. What is the resistance in evangelical culture to breaking down these hierarchies and to living with the ethic of shalom and abundance for all. Where does that come from, Lisa?

Lisa Sharon Harper (14:06)
Okay, let’s talk.

Rev. Ruth Perry (14:07)
Yeah.

Lisa Sharon Harper (14:08)
Well, that’s a great question, and there is a very clear answer to that. Where does it come from? Randy Woodley, another mentor of mine and dear friend, theologian and practitioner, he traces it back to Plato and Aristotle. And and actually now that I’m reading a bunch of scholars for my own dis p PhD work, a lot of people are doing that. They’re tracing it back to Plato and Aristotle. they had this thing called dualism, right? So Platonic dualism. And in a dualistic worldview, things are either/or. They are light or dark, they are good or evil, they are either or. There’s not gradations, there’s not story. and there’s not nuance.

Rev. Ruth Perry (14:45)
Nuance, complexity, yeah.

Lisa Sharon Harper (14:48)
There’s not flesh, it’s not human, it’s actually a very mechanized, a mechanized worldview. And so the way that dualism has worked, and what Randy talks about is that once you have a worldview where things are either or, and that is your central worldview, and you then apply that to all kinds of things, including the body and the spirit, right?

So there’s either body or spirit. There’s not gradations and there’s not nuance and there’s there’s not and and then you add to that Aristotle’s hierarchies of human belonging, where Aristotle was actually Plato’s student and his accolate. And ten years after Plato wrote The Republic, Aristotle writes on politics, which is actually a compilation of his various lectures right and and writings. But politics he actually says explicitly if you have been conquered you have proven that you were created to be enslaved.

He literally says this. So he is the one who takes that dualistic worldview and puts it on steroids and then begins to bifurcate humanity. Because before that, they were saying, well, humans are above the animals and da-da-da. But now you have some humans are above other humans, right? So the civilized are above the barbarians, right? That was what Aristotle was thinking. That’s the worldview.

They didn’t have a white-black worldview yet. That was the enlightenment period. But then you get down to the enlightenment period and they’re taking that thinking forward, and that’s where you get the Doctrine of Discovery, is in that period, right? So the quote enlightenment period is also from the perspective of those who were conquered in that time, it was the age of conquest, not the age of discovery. It was the age of conquest. And there were ways that the church was complicit in that, the doctrine of discovery.

comes from the church. It actually is founded in the Catholic Church that declared that taking the logic of Aristotle that gave permission for explorers who went out all over the world and discovered land, right, that had uncivilized, unchristian people on it, okay, you can go and take that land and you can enslave the people according to Aristotle. Not according to scripture. According to Aristotle.

And now you get scripture interpreted through the framework of Aristotle. And then you have to ask, all right, what is the authority here? What is the authority that that Pope, Pope Nicholas V, right? What’s the authority he was resting on? Well, he was resting on the authority of Aristotle in order to interpret the Scripture in a certain way, but you can’t when you just look at the basic makeup of that scripture, you can’t do that. Genesis was written by recently enslaved people.

You’re not going to get a justification for slavery from recently enslaved people. Jesus comes from a lineage of serially enslaved people. At the time that Jesus was born, the year that Jesus was born, 500 people were crucified per day, when a centurion marched through the Northern Galilee territory and cru s basically squashed an attempted uprising against Caesar because they were being occupied. So this general crucified five hundred people per day. Five hundred.

So that was happening the year Jesus was born because people were trying to rise up against the oppression, the imperial opp impression against them. And that comes down, it trickles down. Our lead authority then becomes secular philosophy, not actually the scripture, and certainly not Jesus, who proclaimed in Luke 4, this is why I came. And so now we’re interpreting Jesus through the lens of Aristotle, through the lens of of of Romanized Paul.

Right, who actually goes through his own, we see him go through kind of a conversion over the course of his life in terms of who he says is in and who’s out, right? So why does the church so complicit in it? Because the church is all up in it for like the last six hundred years. The church has been all up in it.

Rev. Ruth Perry (18:56)
Yeah. And I hear a lot of fear mongering because now I’ve moved to the South and I live in the Bible Belt. I think it’s nine years this month. Eight years ago I came to a Red Letter Christian revival that you came and spoke at and you prayed for me because I was having a hard time adjusting to living in this area where there’s a lot of Christianity but a lot of blindness. It seems to be, what’s the word? Like intentional blindness.

Lisa Sharon Harper (19:24)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (19:24)
We’re in a community that has black neighbors. But how well do we know their story of being here in this town?

Lisa Sharon Harper (19:32)
Well, I think when you move it forward into the American context, particularly the American South. I did some research recently in the course of you know PhD studies on the history of the Southern Baptist Church. I’m no Southern Baptist Church scholar, but it doesn’t take much to do some basic history. And Reverend Richard Furman was the Southern Charleston Baptist Church, the first Baptist Church in Charleston, back in the 1840s. No, 1820s, 1821, 22, when Denmark VC attempted an insurrection. And it was going to be one of the largest rebellions in the South up to that point. There had actually, up to that point, been like a thousand possible attempted rebellions and rebellions across the South from the 1700s forward. This was not an unusual thing.

But Denmark VC was highly organized and he was going to have a major uprising. And it was squashed because someone, another black person actually ratted him out. And so he was beheaded along with the people who were rising up with him, and their heads were put on stakes all over South Carolina. And Richard Furman, the pastor, he went against the tide at the time. The tide at the time, in light of of DeMarc VC’s attempted insurrection, was to say, maybe we need to incrementally do away with this slavery thing. That was literally what people in South Carolina were saying. Maybe we shouldn’t have this anymore. Maybe we need to, you know, do away with this. Richard Furman, who had seven slaves of his own, he rose up and said, No, we need to entrench it further. We need to get more heinous with them.

Of course, he didn’t use that word, and he is actually one of the people who actually created the more heinous slave codes that came out as a result of that. And he gave the theological biblical exegesis or the argument support or apologetic for slavery. He gave that. And that ended up being the same apologetic that they then used during the Jim Crow era. So that one pastor gave america about about 150 years of evil. And it was only about 20 years that he convened the very first convention of the Baptist Church in the South, there in South Carolina.

And of course the Southern Baptist denomination was born about twenty years later, when the Northern Baptists were now saying, Well, wait a minute, we shouldn’t have this slavery thing and and no, you can’t send missionaries overseas if they hold slaves. And the Southern Baptists, armed with Furman’s theology said yes we can and so they broke off from the Baptists and actually in that period every single denomination in the country, every denomination experienced a split along the lines of slavery. Every denomination did and so when people say well they were just a person of their era no they weren’t they made a choice.

Because there were a good number of people who actually were not for it because of their faith. and the abolitionist movement, headed like spearheaded by the black church, was among them, right? So was leading that charge and and they understood clearly that you cannot you cannot enslave another human being you cannot subjugate the image of God on earth and then claim to follow God. You just can’t do that. So, how do we have what we have today? Richard Furman created this apologetic for slavery. And who did that benefit?

Who does that? It benefits the slaveholder. It benefits the slaveholder’s bank account. That’s what it benefited. They got to have free labor and justify it. And they didn’t only have free labor, they created slave farms. I mean they dug into, they got blood on their teeth for the depth of evil that they participated in. And they did it through the cover that they got from their theological apologetic for slavery. And with blood dripping from their mouths, they then went and preached the gospel in church. They never repented for that.

They went to war to protect it and lost. And then once the 13th, 14th, 15th Amendments were passed, they began to understand, you know, there’s consequences for what we’ve done. But then once the compromise of 1876-77 happens, what do they do? They bring back out Richard Furman’s theology.

And they used that as the theological cover for Jim Crow, which literally just continued the culture of the plantation, the white men walking into the homes of black men and and and black families and literally in front of the children and the husbands raping the wives at will. Stringing up and lynching nearly six thousand people over the course of ninety years, not even a hundred years. Six thousand people.

With impunity because it was the theology was so pervasive across the South that it permeated into the judicial system, into the policing, I mean police was actually created in order to entrench it. Right? So how do we have what we have right now? Like how is the church, especially in the South, willfully ignorant because they are doing what they’ve always done. They are spinning the story.

They have spun the story. They have omitted their evil. Why is it that most white people in Tulsa, Oklahoma have no idea that the Tulsa massacre ever happened? Because they were not taught it. They went silent on this day or several days when they went blood dripping from their mouths. And they never told their children that they did that. Now their children don’t know. And they’ve only picked up their politics and so they’re, you know, dedicated Republicans.

Rev. Ruth Perry (25:14)
And more upset about having to take down Confederate statues and the Confederate flag and more upset about transgender people. There’s so many inconsequential

Lisa Sharon Harper (25:22)
So stupid. Stupid stuff.

Rev. Ruth Perry (25:24)
things that they just stay angry about

Lisa Sharon Harper (25:26)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (25:26)
so that they don’t have to face the truth. But the truth sets us free.

Lisa Sharon Harper (25:29)
Exactly. It’s like, why? What is it? Like, why can’t people just say, We were so wrong. We were just so wrong. And that’s okay. We’re not lesser human beings because we were wrong. We were just wrong. And we did wrong. And now, you know, things need to change.

I mean this is I think this is literally the big question of the day. But here’s what I think about that. I think that the reason why it is so hard for white Christians to face slavery, like really face it, what it really was, and the reality of it is because repentance is a small death. You know, I talk about that in The Very Good Gospel. It’s a small form of death. It’s death to self. It’s death to the rightness of the self. it’s death to ego. It’s it’s death to the vision of dominance.

And if you believe, which I do believe this this is a core belief of people of European descent, and I say that specifically European descent because i it’s not held within indigenous peoples around the world. But a core belief of people of European descent is that to be well you must dominate. And I think that comes from Aristotle, Plato.

Dualistic thinking, either/or winner/loser thinking. You know, everybody’s trying to figure out we how do we dig our way out of this? I really do believe the answer is in our faith. It is repentance, it is confession of the truth. And by repentance what I mean is not just saying I’m sorry, but to literally give reparations, to repair what was broken, to repair the imbalance of power, to share power.

But I think that there is this fundamental belief in people of European descent that power cannot be shared, that either you will dominate or you will be dominated. Because that was the experience in Europe for millennia, right? Like they literally did go for millennia, multiple millennia, dominating each other. That was the thing. But there are people groups, there are regions of the world like where domination was not necessarily the thing. It wasn’t the goal. It wasn’t it was just to live and to live in harmony actually. Again, that’s something that I learned from my mentor and friend, Randy Woodley, that the ethic of indigenous people is actually harmony. It’s not winning. It’s harmony. And so we can all learn from that. And by indigenous I don’t just mean

Native American, I mean people who are indigenous to their land all over the world. I mean the Sami people up in northern Europe, and the Celtic people, and people of every African nation, the Aeroba, the Igbo. I mean, these are ethics that are held almost nearly universally within indigenous peoples. And it is when you break the relationship with land, when you leave your land in order to go out and dominate the other, that’s when that is broken and that’s what Europe did. That’s why you I think Europe has a unique responsibility for people of European descent have a unique responsibility for the ethic of domination that permeates our world today. Because y’all won. You won.

Rev. Ruth Perry (28:43)
Yeah.

Lisa Sharon Harper (28:44)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (28:44)
So good theology restores and reconciles and leads to abundance and healing and beautiful things? the fruit of poor theology is bad. And we can see the fruit. Today we see it in the concentration camps and the people being unlawfully detained and held and people dying in our streets, and we see it in USAID being cut and millions of people that are gonna die from that, and the Palestinians that have been genocided, and I mean there’s so many examples of ways that poor theology has led to death and destruction. And the

Lisa Sharon Harper (29:16)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (29:16)
fruit is there to see if you can be open to seeing it and experiencing that death of repentance. Can you make a biblical case for Shalom and this theological framework of abundance and no hierarchies and all of The Very Good Gospel. Yeah.

Lisa Sharon Harper (29:31)
Yeah. Talk about The Very Good Gospel. I mean, here’s the thing is that, you know, one of what I’ve learned about Shalom is that as I talked about earlier, we were created for overwhelmingly good relationship and relatedness between all things. That’s what we were created for. And that meant that there was blessing and no cursing. And I believe that the scripture in the first chapter of Genesis is through an epic poem explaining to us what we were created for and how we were created to be in relationship with each other.

And we get another account of creation in Genesis two. It’s much more intimate. It’s God’s hands and the muck, right? It’s, you know, literally God creating human from the earth. And and we see a much more detailed, it’s not epic poetry anymore now, it’s story. And in that story, we see that the climax of the story is actually the flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, and the first creation of community on Earth, which is Ish and Isha, and that the human now has community and we are bound to each other.

And then you see the fall. And in the fall, what happens is that each of those relationships that God had just declared overwhelmingly good, a chapter and a verse ago in chapter one are all torn down. That’s the fall. They fall down. Those relationships fall down. And they fall one by one, starting with the relationship between us and ourselves, when we run and we hide from God, that’s shame entering into the world and and our relationship with God falls in that same moment, you know, when we’re hiding from God. And then our relationship between the genders just crashes to the ground when the man points at the woman and says, She made me do it, right? And now the woman is going to yearn for her husband, even though being with her husband is going to make her come to near death and and death in some cases in childbirth, right?

And even after having that child and suffering all of that pain, she will forget the pain and still go back to her husband and have to have pain all over again. This is the fall. This is the natural consequence of when we come out from under the covering of God. When we come out from under the call to steward the overwhelming wellness of all the relationships on earth. And how did we do that? We didn’t listen to God.

God said, don’t eat of the fruit of this tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And I don’t necessarily think that this is something that happened in history. When I now read the scholars, they actually believe that there’s lots of different understandings of what that means and what were they trying to communicate? But one thing I do know is they were trying to communicate truth.

So it may not be fact the way we understand fact and history today. History didn’t exist back then. History is again an Enlightenment era discipline, the way we understand it today, the recording of things that happened as they happened, through you know a particular lens. But back then they were not trying to record what happened, they were trying to share truth.

That was the goal of these texts and the moment of telling the stories and songs and the poems. And so the question I’m asking then is what is the truth that is being communicated through that Genesis 2 and Genesis 3 account? Well, the truth that is communicated is that God is God and we are not. That we are created in relationship with God and each other and the earth.

And that that relationship is broken when we grab at our own peace at the expense of the others. When God said, don’t eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, that knowledge was not just head knowledge. It’s literally kinetic in the body knowledge, experiential knowledge. So then I’m asking, how are they experiencing evil? How are they experiencing good and evil? Well, they’re experiencing it by not trusting God. First and foremost.

When God said, Don’t eat of the tree, that that command in itself gave them an opportunity to trust God and not eat of the tree or not trust God and eat of the tree. They chose not to trust God, and that broke relationship with God. And you can’t have shalom without God.

Because God is the author of Shalom. So after that, the natural consequence when we don’t trust God and God’s way to peace is that we lose peace. ‘Cause all that we can get for ourselves is broken peace because we are not God. So that’s when we see all of those relationships fall, and it’s like a snowball that grows like a becomes an avalanche, right? And it starts with that shame entering the world, but it ends with colonization and imperialism just fourteen chapters later.

Right, so you go from shame entering the world in chapter three to the relationship between humanity and creation and men and women and the agenders breaks and and then death enters the world and we’re driven from the garden and then the relationship between families breaks because of you. By the way, they are named Adornment and Shadow. So right there and it’s amazing, right? In Genesis 4, this is like what page 4

Rev. Ruth Perry (34:28)
man. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lisa Sharon Harper (34:32)
of the Bible, patriarchy enters the world. And it’s a break. It’s so far from naked and unashamed and clinging to one another. Now you have adornment and shadow.

on the fourth page of the Bible. And that is not God’s prescription for goodness. That is the consequence of grabbing peace in our own way. And then you see the Tower of Babel and the confusion of languages, which leads to ethnic enmity. And just a couple of chapters later leads to colonization. One king trying to exact his will over several smaller kings. And that’s where you get the first mention of the word war.

First mention of war. You know, fourteen chapters after Tov Meod, very good. So Shalom, the biblical concept of Shalom is grounded in that first chapter and second chapter of Genesis, where we see what overwhelmingly good related in relationship looks like. And it is restored to us when we follow God and God’s way. It’s the ethic, it’s how we live in the world together. It’s whether we are living our lives in ways that mend the broken relationships rather than capitalizing on them.

Rev. Ruth Perry (35:45)
It’s so powerful. I’m just thinking about the journey you went on as you wrote Fortune and

Lisa Sharon Harper (35:47)
Fortunate. Yeah. Yep.

Rev. Ruth Perry (35:51)
looked into your family’s history here in America and in the South, and all the ways that the world was designed and the systems were constructed to keep those relationships broken and to keep people under oppression. What was the spiritual and emotional impact of that journey for you.

Lisa Sharon Harper (36:10)
My goodness. I have to tell you, it was incredibly hard to write that book. I mean, it was incredibly hard for multiple reasons. Number one, it took thirty years of research. and I did not start the research thinking I was gonna write a book. I was really started the research as a black woman just trying to figure out who am I. I didn’t know the names of my great grandparents, except for one. I knew the name of one great grandparent and met her, like knew her as a as a child. but didn’t know anything beyond that.

So started the research with my mom. My mom actually is the one who went to the National Archives and was searching for this person and that person. And then in the early 2000s, I started to join her in that effort and started asking questions in the early 90s, but really joined her as an as a genealogist for our family in the in the early 2000s. And I was just boom, like I was overtaken by, wow, this is incredible. You know, a Gen Xer, I am the first generation to be able to know where we come from as African Americans because of DNA. Like that is a science that my mom did not have, my grandmother did not have. They did not know that we come from the Yoruba people and the house of people of Nigeria. When you trace it back through my matrilineal line, my mom’s mom’s mom, going back a thousand years, that’s where we were. We were with The House of People in northern Nigeria. We were with the Yoruba people in southwestern Nigeria.

Like when I first did my DNA and and it came back, obviously the thing that’s a little bit ironic about the whole DNA thing is that that technology is advancing all the time. It’s getting better and better and better and crisper and crisper. And so, the DNA story that shows up in our little pie charts when you when you send away for it and it comes back, it it changes. It gets more and more detailed and and even corrected over time. But I’ll never forget the first day that I got mine. I got it and I wept because it was clear to me in my body.

In fact, I don’t think it was only me that was weeping. I think it was all the ancestors who make up me, who literally, literally are me. My DNA is their DNA. I think they wept with me in that moment because it was a deep, deep weeping, because it was the first time that we knew where we were from. There is a healing work that comes when you are able to be grounded on land, know what land you are from. Because in that you don’t only know the land, you know the story, you know part of your people’s story. So I don’t know the ancestors’ names that came over. I haven’t d deep enough research like, you know, Alex Haley to go back and find my Kunta Kente.

But I do know Hannah Reynolds is the farthest back I can go on my mom’s, mom’s, mom’s matrilineal line. And so her ancestors stretch back to the Yoruba and Hausa people. I do know what happened to Nigerians. And to the Senegalese, which are also mixed up in my in my DNA, that Sambo Game, Fortune’s father, was from Senegal and it shows in a DNA. There are several people in our line that were Senegalese.

So that’s a story. That’s actually a traceable story. I can learn what happened to the Senegalese. I can learn, what ships they were brought over on. We actually know that now.

And so without knowing their names and their micro stories, I can know the macro story of what happened to my people. And that grounds me. That can ground me. Because until then, and let me just say this is really important, until I had that story, my experience of being a black person in America is very similar, interestingly, in this way to being a white person. That my

value, my purpose is only defined then by my blackness or your whiteness. And whiteness and blackness were created in order to define who has power and who doesn’t. Who has the power to own land and who doesn’t? Who has the power? Who has the right not to be enslaved and who doesn’t?

Who has the right to vote and who doesn’t? Like who has the ability to exercise agency in the world and who doesn’t? And theologically then speaking, who is human and who isn’t? Because what it means to be human is to exercise agency. To exercise dominion in the world. That’s agency. And so as a black woman who wasn’t able to trace my family.

I then needed to prove my worth. I needed to prove my worth based on what I could produce. Because that was how black worth was delineated in a black-white construct. In the antebellum South and in the Jim Crow era, we became as valuable as we could produce. You could produce less, you are less valuable. Literally, you take less money in the trade.

And so to be a valuable black person, I needed to be able produce my bales of cotton per se, right? And for people of European descent, being named white meant that you were placed automatically by virtue of the color of your skin and your ancestry in Europe. Particularly northern Europe.

That you were dubbed of the noble class. In other words, you got the opportunity to become a member of the noble class based on how much money you could gather, how much money you could accumulate. And the way to do that here was by owning enslaved people, right? That was the explicit, like explicit understanding. And so.

The question of whether or not you are a worthy white person. Whether you’re living into your whiteness, living up to your whiteness, or are you a failure as a white person? You know? I think a lot of the people who were out there on the mall on January 6th in 2021 are people who have failed at whiteness.

Right? They are not the ruling class. And they resent that. And they are looking at the other to say, you’re the reason why I’m not the ruling class. I need to subjugate you so that I can rise. Because that’s the logic of domination that permeated Europe. And so when I was writing Fortune, it was hard to write because one, it’s hard to actually have access to these ancient histories, these ancient in our terms in America, hundreds of years, especially for black people. And so I had to find ways to get around that by legitimately studying the meta histories in order to understand at least the circumstances within which my ancestors lived. But it also was really hard the closer I got to my generations because the facts are there and you actually know what happened. And now I as a writer, in order to communicate them clearly to you, I almost have to relive them.

And so it was incredibly painful. It was just an incredibly painful time. I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget. And actually this is ironic ’cause it’s the first chapter. It’s not a latter chapter. And the first chapter as I was researching for it. I’ll never forget the moment when I was doing the research on Fortune and Sarah and their families and how Fortune had several daughters that were also indentured.

And so did Sarah. One of her daughters, she was indentured, and she had children who were also indentured. And it’s like, what’s there happening? Because the law didn’t say that that indentured servitude was supposed to be generational like that. The law was very specific. You’re indentured if you are a servant and you have sex outside of marriage with somebody and you have a child in your indenture. Then you are indentured for a further three to seven years and your children are indentured for XYZ time. And this shifted over the first maybe first decade of these laws being passed around 1700. But it eventually shook out to say that if the father was white then your child would be indentured for twenty one years. And if the father was black, like if if a servant got it on with a a black enslaved man, then her children would be indentured for thirty one years, right? And I started doing the math on

Fortune’s children and how long they were indentured, and then Sarah’s children and how long they were indentured, because they actually do turn up free eventually, right? And it’s like twenty-one years. Twenty one. Which meant they were being raped regularly by their indenturers in order to gain free labor for another twenty one years for the family.

So they were generationally raping and impregnating each generation. And I when I saw that, because I was like, why is Sarah surrounded by women and there are no men in her picture? Like, why is there never a husband? And she was taken to court to be indentured, and her children were also taken to court in each generation to be indentured. And

why are there never any men? Is she in a brothel? Like I really was like, what’s going on here? And then I just started really no, no, no, she’s not in a brothel. She is in like really distinguished homes. Like the Fuchs family on the eastern shore of Maryland. They were gentry class. Like they were literally with William the Conqueror back at the time ten sixty-six, when he came they were at his right hand at that point.

They were indenturing Sarah. Right? Then she has children and they are indentured for twenty one years.

And the DNA. I traced it like when you could do this, you can’t do this now. They actually stopped this right around the time I was doing my research. They connected us DNA wise to the Fuchs family. Like I had Fuchs DNA in me. And that’s when I realized, my God. Well now they capped it. You can only go back five generations now. Right. They won’t let you see beyond five generations of your DNA. Who does that benefit?

Who does that benefit? So it was emotionally difficult to do the research. But I just felt and knew this is necessary because you have to know the truth to tell the truth. You’ve gotta seek the truth to know the truth. So I had to keep going. And I’m glad I did. And what I found in that research was that the remedy

Is right there in the center of our faith. It is the resurrection, it is the cross, it is Jesus who gives us the power to reverse the fall. Jesus conquered death. Jesus began to reverse the relationships between men and women. And we see that even in Paul’s epistles, who in some cases is saying, Don’t let women speak, but actually, in most cases, he is

lifting up and championing the women who are in the ministry, naming them first between their husbands and it like the women were the leaders, actually. you know, he names Junia, who is an apostle, he names her as an apostle, a woman. What does that mean? It means that she was leading the church an entire city. Like that’s that is a reversal of Lamak with his two wives.

Right? We see Paul again, pushed by his faith in this Jesus, this this brown colonized man who beat death, he then writes to an enslaver telling him to free his slave because his slave Philemon is now equal.

He says in Galatians that if you have been baptized in Christ, there is no longer slave or free, male or female, Jew or Greek. In other words, your lens that empire has given you, really, the lens of dualism, the lens of either or, the lens of domination, it gets washed in the water of baptism. It gets washed away. And all you you see when you come up is the image of God, the call of each and every person to exercise stewardship of the world, to be able to exercise agency in the world. And that means that slavery must go. That means that subjugation must end. That means there is no longer Jew or Greek. There is no longer slave or free. There is no longer male or female. And that doesn’t mean that these people don’t exist. It means that the logics of domination do not exist within the kingdom of God. So you cannot be a citizen in the kingdom of God and operate according to the logics of domination.

You just can’t.

Rev. Ruth Perry (48:02)
And our hope is that Jesus is going to return and we’re gonna live in a new creation where all of the divisions have been healed and everything that the fall broke is going to be restored. And so we can get on board now in that ministry

Lisa Sharon Harper (48:15)
Come on.

Rev. Ruth Perry (48:16)
of reconciliation. Why wait? You know, this is what we look forward to. We don’t want to be at enmity with our neighbors. We want to love them and want for them what God wants for them.

Lisa Sharon Harper (48:24)
And let me just say, we don’t want to be at enmity with God.

Rev. Ruth Perry (48:27)
No.

Lisa Sharon Harper (48:27)
You don’t want to be at war with God. Because when you participate in the subjugation of the image of God on earth, you are actually waging war against the kingdom of God on earth. Because the image of the king in ancient times was a marker of where the king rules. And the image of God is in each of us.

So when you subjugate another human being, you are subjugating the image of God. I think that’s how God sees it. I think God understands that you are waging war against God. So what is it going to take then for us to lay down our arms against God? I think it’s gonna take repentance. It’s gonna take baptism.

Rev. Ruth Perry (49:05)
I think that’s where we need to end today. I want people to sit with that or reflect on that. I want people to read Fortune and The Very Good Gospel

Lisa Sharon Harper (49:10)
Yeah.

Rev. Ruth Perry (49:14)
and to follow you. Where’s the best way to follow you, Lisa?

Lisa Sharon Harper (49:17)
The best way to follow is on Substack.

Rev. Ruth Perry (49:19)
Okay.

Lisa Sharon Harper (49:20)
Now Substack will get you linked to everything else, right? So my Instagram page is also a great place to be. And also of course Facebook, all the socials, LinkedIn, all the rest. But Substack is where you’re gonna find my writing. It’s where you’re gonna find out about things that are happening and offers and so Substack at Lisa Sharon Harper and you’ll find everything you need there.

Rev. Ruth Perry (49:39)
Thank you so much for coming on my podcast and sharing such an important and powerful message today. God bless.

Lisa Sharon Harper (49:45)
God bless you. Thank you.


Did you enjoy this episode? Please subscribe, rate or review us on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Substack, and more! Your support means the world. God bless!

023 I Rev. Ruth Perry Reflects on Season One Lessons & Themes

Find The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Substack, and more! 

Today marks the final episode of Season One! I am filled with gratitude to everyone who has supported me in this project, by encouraging me to do it, giving me your time to be a guest or a listener, commenting, rating, reviewing, and sharing with others! You’ve made this project meaningful and worthwhile.

I am thankful especially to Wendy McCaig, my Episode 14 guest, for returning to have a conversation with me to help me reflect on my first season of podcasting, sharing lessons learned, impactful conversations, and future plans. Today’s episode offers insights into faith, community, and the power of listening. You can find quick links to all of my episodes here: The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Pod and I encourage you to stay in touch this summer, especially on Facebook and Instagram.

Please enjoy this episode of The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Substack, and more! 

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
So today’s episode is going to be a little bit different. I’ve had 22 interviews now for season one and my 14th episode was with Wendy McCaig. She’s the executive director of Embrace Communities and she’s a global community catalyzer and one of her special skills is listening. And so Wendy offered to come back and ask me some questions that would help me to reflect on my first season of the podcast. And so I’m really grateful that you offered. This sounded like the perfect way for me to wrap up my first season. And so thank you for being here, Wendy, and being so generous.

Wendy McCaig (00:51)
Well, I enjoyed your podcast immensely. And the whole time you were doing them, I was like, I’m waiting till the end to ask you some of these questions, that learning, that gleaning, that what’s going to change next year. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out. So.

Ruth Perry (01:08)
Me too. I don’t know what I’m going to say to you today.

Wendy McCaig (01:11)
Well, and I think having just a very casual conversation is kind of our goal today. And to start that process of reflecting on a lot, a lot of conversations. I’ve been quite impressed. So we’ll get started kind of with I’m always curious, what stood out to people when they start a new venture. What were those things that surprised you or maybe some things that popped out to you.

Ruth Perry (01:38)
Okay, so some of the things that have really stood out to me is just how unprepared I was for what is involved in making a podcast. And the learning curve that I’ve been on. It was something that I had on my heart that I wanted to do. I don’t know where that desire came from, but it wouldn’t go away. And I kind of held onto it for a couple of years and I would mention it to people here and there thinking that they would throw a little cold water on me and help me let it go. But every time I would bring it up, someone would be really encouraging and say, yeah, I think that’s a great idea. You should do it.

And so I just happened have let go of a day job. I’m a part time pastor and I felt like I had extra time and it was now or never. So I started my podcast and every single episode I was learning something new because I was making mistakes along the way. And I think that’s been surprising is just how fun it’s been, even though I’ve been making mistakes and sometimes I feel embarrassed to put an episode out. And then I get positive feedback from people telling me that they appreciated it when I feel like so scared about putting it there. And that’s really stood out to me.

Wendy McCaig (02:45)
Yeah, I started writing on Substack this year and I had that same apprehension and then the ones I’m most afraid of are the ones that people send me the kindest notes about. It’s funny. Yeah, that’s awesome. Did any themes emerge in those 22 conversations?

Ruth Perry (03:02)
Yeah, absolutely. I listened back to the little intro episode I did. I think it was less than two minutes long. And I haven’t revisited that all season. And I think I recorded that in September. And it was exactly what my podcast ended up being, those kind of conversations.

Like my tagline, I say that this is a place for redemptive conversations about gender, justice, abuse, and healing in the Christian faith. And I’ve had conversations about women’s experiences in the church, often traumatic and harmful, and just giving those kind of stories a platform, I think, is really important. We’ve had conversations about the rise of Christian nationalism and my episode with Carlos Malave, who’s the executive director of Latino Christian National Network. That was one of those episodes where I just had the most technical difficulties and I was so upset about how it came out. But one of my favorite episodes because it was so important to talk about the injustice that our Latino neighbors are experiencing right now.

I had a lot who are scholars or enthusiasts of the Bible share about living their faith in a way that is loving your neighbor and breaking down hierarchies and supremacy ideologies in our Christian faith so that we’re honoring one another, male and female and also like cisgender and LGBTQ. Having that conversation with Bishop Sue Haupert Johnson about the United Methodist church split, I felt was really impactful. And that was one of those surprising things where halfway through the podcast, I was starting to think, this is a lot of work. I don’t know if this is sustainable. So if this is my only *season who would I want to talk to? And I sent an email and I was just really shocked that she said she would come on.

Wendy McCaig (04:49)
Yeah, you had a lot of guests and I learned something from all of them. But I know I would see someone like, how did she connect with that person? How does she know that? I assume it’s just your boldness to reach out and say, would you do this? And it is so funny how each conversation you had, you said you really enjoyed it, was fun, like that how much fun it is. And I know being on the other side, it was fun for me.

Ruth Perry (05:12)
Yeah.

Wendy McCaig (05:17)
And I think that’s the energy of every single interview that you did. You could tell there was a gratitude for having the opportunity to share this story. And I felt that in the interview with Bishop Sue, there was this deep sense of, you know, some pain, that was a part of that but also some healing to get to share from her perspective of what that felt like. And for me, as kind of an outsider on the edges of all of that, it was healing for me to know the struggle that was happening in her world. I know one of your healing in the Christian, I experienced that as a listener, as I was listening to the podcast and gaining greater understanding.

So I love that what you set out to do. You feel like you did it. I think that’s really wonderful, great insight and clarity about about your calling toward that. So as you’re sitting here at the at the end of that first season, how are you feeling about being a podcaster and doing this. Where are you right now as you take a breath?

Ruth Perry (06:29)
Yeah. Well, I’ve really wrestled with whether or not podcasting is something that I should continue doing because it is a time intense thing to do. I’ve had six guests on where I’ve read a book before I’ve interviewed them, which was actually one of my goals, because when I turned 40 and I had had a hysterectomy and I started going through menopause, I stopped reading and I’ve always been a voracious reader. And it’s been really hard for me to pick up books again. And so during this podcast experience, I started reading again, which I’m really grateful for.

But yeah, that gratitude that you spoke of, have felt that every time anyone said yes, they would talk with me. I’ve just felt so grateful to them. And I felt that they were being so generous to give their time for this brand new baby little podcast. And I was kind of expecting on Facebook, I have a large following. But I’ve been frustrated on Facebook for years now about how shallow the conversations can be or how easy it is to offend when you can’t hear tone and you can’t, you kind of jump to conclusions about where someone is coming from. And you assign hate to their perspective because it’s different from your own. And so you’re immediately defensive and I wanted to have conversations where we could disagree or we could go a little bit deeper than Facebook or some kind of like one of these one dimensional platforms allows.

And I’ve just been thrilled, even though the Facebook audience, I don’t feel like has found the podcast yet, which that was one of the surprises. I don’t think I realized that social media and podcasts are such different entities. And I thought if people valued my Facebook page, they would probably be interested in my podcast. But I think part of the problem there is the algorithm. Facebook isn’t trying to get people to click out of their platform. And so they’re burying those posts that have a link off of Facebook. So part of it has felt really vulnerable starting new and then asking someone to give their time to something.

And in my brain, I’m still dealing with that imposter syndrome of my podcast is not worthy of my guests. I guess I need to work through that a little bit, but I have been bold in asking people, just putting it out there and then being surprised every time someone said yes.

Wendy McCaig (08:46)
Well, I think it’s a beautiful gift that you give to the guest because I know you asked me questions that I had never sat down and kind of given like, here’s the last 30 years of my life in, you know, five minutes or less. So it was nice to be able to share something with others that maybe didn’t know the whole journey. So I definitely felt like it was a gift to me and I’m sure others felt the same way. And there’s something different when you’re talking to a human. like when I’m writing, there’s, it just has a different vibe than conversation. So I think that it’s a needed form of communication.

I share your frustration with social media and how to like get the machine to privilege the information that you think it should privilege as a creator. yeah, I think assume a lot of people are going to relate to that. So as you’re thinking about all these conversations, I just wonder, you know, the importance of the conversations. Why do you think it’s important to capture these dialogues and share them publicly?

Ruth Perry (10:00)
I think one of the big lessons that I’ve learned in life is the importance of listening. When I was in college, I signed up to go build a house with Habitat for Humanity, but they had so many people sign up that they split half of us off randomly and sent us on a racial reconciliation trip to Washington, DC. And so at that time, I think I was 20 years old and just didn’t recognize that I had a cultural perspective on the world that was formed by the place where I stood socially and my family and my faith community and all these factors that were a part of how I viewed things and how I interpreted the Bible and how I interpreted events. And that was a really eye-opening trip.

And the thing that everybody said, we would go and we’d meet with all kinds of different people around DC and everybody said, please listen to us. When we’d say, what can we do? Please listen to us. And so I’m 45 now. That was 25 years ago. I diversified my algorithm and I listened to a lot of people that I wouldn’t have listened to if I hadn’t had that experience. And it’s shaped me in really profound ways where I’m a profoundly different person now, I think, than if I hadn’t had that one experience for one week.

And I just feel that sharing stories is so powerful. But before that, we need to learn how to listen to each other. And that’s something that I feel like the church has really lost, where we have these really tightly controlled systems in our faith communities. And the moment that you push against one of the norms of that community, you’re ejected. They might have coffee with you, but they’re not gonna really wrestle with it with you. They’re gonna say, you’re not part of us anymore. You don’t belong here. Maybe you should go somewhere else.

And I also feel like we can’t change that unless we’re close to the cultural power brokers. And so that’s been part of my journey is like, my eyes have opened. And so I’ve sought ways to make change and transformation in the communities that I really care about. And then met with a lot of rejection and ejection and just social punishment. And so my antennas are really up now when I experience and I see that happening in real time. And so it’s like a sensitivity that I have that I don’t know that everyone necessarily has. And me 15 years ago really needed to hear a podcast like this because I was really lonely as I was trying to make sense of my faith and how it was changing from the way that I was raised in the community that I belong to.

And so part of, I think, deep down, my podcast is like, know that there’s people out there that are currently like I was 15 years ago who are feeling lonely and they need to hear these stories. And I wish the whole church would listen to them. But I know that my podcast is not gonna resonate with the majority of people. It’s gonna resonate with the people who have been wounded or have some, rising awareness about how our ideologies and our culture are shaping us in ways that are malformed and different from the ways of Jesus. And so what I wanted to do on my podcast was invite people on whose faith I think looks like Jesus or represents Jesus in some way or tells a story that I think the church needs to hear because we’re not honoring those stories. We tried to cover them up or ignore them or just banish them so that we’re not made uncomfortable. But if we really loved each other, I think we would start by listening well.

Wendy McCaig (13:29)
I love that. There’s so many kind of streams in the the energy that comes through in the interviews and when you were talking about the listening and listening to those that are not the power brokers and those that look most like Jesus are the ones that are hanging out in spaces with those that the power brokers can’t see and how to amplify and put a microphone in the hands of those that the power brokers need to hear. I think, you know, thinking through all of the different layers of impact and so I kind of I heard a lot of that, especially like you were saying like Carlos’s interviews and others. But then there’s also that personal woundedness and I think most of the interviews that I resonated with had those stories of being cast out, being not accepted, being judged or labeled.

You’ve got both those streams running through here. And then I think this other kind of overarching theme of building these bridges between people who maybe would judge one another based on, and I’m guilty, ⁓ you know, I see a particular political sign or symbol or something and I’m automatically like think I know who you are, right?

Ruth Perry (14:43)
Me too, yes.

Wendy McCaig (14:51)
Like that is such in our waters right now and something we have to fight against. And I think your way of holding space is very genuine and gives people the comfort that you really are a bridge builder kind of connection to bring those pieces together. And how important that is in our current environment and how very very rare that is and especially in our social media environments where it feels like the ruder you are the the more viral your whatever’s gonna go. So yeah I love how well you recognize why it’s important to put these conversations out there.

What is your greatest hope? Now there’s 22 conversations and they’ll live on forever, Ruth. They’ll be there forever. Like, who knows what their long-term impact will be. But if you were to kind of summarize what you hope this little first class of of messengers, what their impact will be, how would you sum that up?

Ruth Perry (16:01)
I hope that the Holy Spirit will work through these episodes to speak to the people who listen to them, to challenge them to be more like Christ and embody Christ and Christ’s ways in the world, and that we’ll have a heart and greater empathy for each other, and that we won’t lose that command over and over in the New Testament to love each other.

And that that’s how people will know that we’re Christ’s disciples is by our love for each other. I think we’re really good at loving each other in our bubbles. I mean, I have people that don’t even recognize me as a Christian because I’m not in their particular form of Christianity. And I think that’s a failure of loving each other. I think every different tradition has something beautiful in its expression of their revelation of God that they have to share with the world and in their worship styles and in the different things that they bring to their worship and to their community. I mean, it’s beautiful. And that we should recognize that in each other and love that for each other, even if that’s not the tradition that we find ourselves in. I don’t think we should be so quick to expect that they’re going to hell.

Because that makes God very small, I think. And I think God is so much bigger than we ever hoped or imagined, and that God loves the world, and that God promised that he was going to overturn the curses of the fall, and he was going to save us. And so if we’re living in that kind of hope, like I hope that this little podcast plays a part in that redeeming work and that reconciling work of bringing us closer to God and closer to each other.

Wendy McCaig (17:37)
I love that. I think it’s already doing that. But I think that’s one thing about digital media is who knows? I think it’s a beautiful part. So what lessons have you learned from this series that will impact you as you think about next year? Is there a next year?

Ruth Perry (17:45)
I’m pretty committed to doing a second season. I think I’ll play it season by season and see how it goes. And in the seasons of my own life, maybe I’ll have to pause it for a longer period of time. Maybe doing once a week was too ambitious. Maybe I should scale that back. But I really, the actual having the conversations and reading the books and making the connections that I’m making is so much fun and so life-giving to me.

It’s kind of like, what is that Eric Little quote? Like when I’m running, I feel the joy of God or something. I messed that up, but I’m feeling really joyful in the process of making the podcast. So I want to make it, sustainable for myself to continue doing that. And I’m going to have to figure that out in some ways, because I’ve probably can’t sustain what I did this first season.

Maybe season two will be 12 episodes instead of 22. I don’t know. We’ll see. I have a long list of people that I would love to talk to. And I’m already setting up episodes to record during the summer. And I know that people are going to surprise me and reach out that I like, I didn’t know Tony Neely and I didn’t know Becky Garrison and they reached out to me and I had so much fun reading their books. I’m just blown away by what resources those two books were for the church. And I just look forward to what will come through this. What was the rest of the question?

Wendy McCaig (19:22)
Just what lessons and going forward that you want to carry forward.

Ruth Perry (19:27)
I’ve lost sight of slowing down, which was a theme that kind of happened with multiple conversations that I had. Like your spiritual practices really inspired me. Dr. Reverend Lisa Corry’s practices of quietness and Bishop Sue Haupert Johnson’s spiritual practices. And I need to develop more rhythms of quiet in my life.

And so that’s one of the big takeaways for me from season one is that I need to be more intentional about spending quiet time. And then another big takeaway for me was I was really surprised listening to the interviews and just hearing people’s faith stories. How often people came to faith because of a neighbor reaching out to them and inviting them to come to church or to an event, or just praying for them and loving them.

And I think in some ways the way our culture is so, we’re all so isolated from each other. We’re not very neighborly any longer. And maybe that’s a piece why 40 million people have left the church in the last couple of decades, that we need to be more neighborly. And it is something that’s really on my heart is that when Christ called us to love God and love our neighbors as ourselves, he wasn’t talking about how can we put people in our church pews and tithing into our church plates, but how can we leave the sanctuaries and go love our neighbors with no strings attached? And so I think that’s another area that the church really needs to work on.

Wendy McCaig (20:50)
Yeah, I think that being Christ in the world part, I’m watching and I don’t know if it’s just in our current political environment, but people who and there are certain circles where the word Christian or identifying as Christian doesn’t mean what it meant 20 years ago, especially in certain circles. When you talk about the 40 million that have left the church, a lot of people I know that walk the way of Christ more than the average person are in that category.

And it goes back to some of what you said about having to argue that you’re still part of the body when the rest of the body is trying to tell you you don’t belong because you think different. I think that is an interesting thing that I’m watching is, a follower of the way of Jesus and that word that label Christian, if it has a cultural meaning that’s not helpful, holding it differently. So I don’t know. don’t want to get in trouble here on your last podcast.

Ruth Perry (22:01)
No, I think it’s good trouble, Wendy. Yeah. Well, part of my kind of way that I’ve liked to look at the world is through that kind of cultural lens. And when I went to seminary, I got my master’s in education, but my focus was on cross-cultural ministry. And so I did a lot of reading on different cultures, and I had Bob Edwards on the podcast to talk about how quickly we jump to conclusions about things, like in a very tiny fraction of a second, we’ll have already interpreted something from our cultural lens.

And I think that that’s where a lot of us as American Christians are hung up. We don’t recognize that our perspective is American Christianity. It’s not Jesus Christianity. And that there’s some things that we need to unlearn and we need renew our minds about and repent from and turn from because they represent the values of our particular social place and not the values of Jesus Christ who was, you know, brown skin, Eastern Palestinian Jew living under Roman occupation. He was a marginalized person and he treated everyone he encountered with dignity and addressed the questions that they had in the place that they were.

And we’re really bad at that now. We can’t hear people if they have a perspective different than ours, immediately cast aspersions or demonize and literally use demonic language about people who vote differently than us or think differently than us. And that’s on the church. That’s church culture. And that’s what we need to repent of and turn from.

Wendy McCaig (23:32)
Yeah, I think in the season that we’re in, in terms of the society that we live in, such an opportunity for people of faith to be that healing balm that reweaves our social fabric and doesn’t continue the cutting us apart. And that requires tremendous resistance to the urge of conforming to the patterns of this world. And as you said, you know, being willing to transform our ways of being and be so countercultural.

I worry that that 40 million people that they didn’t leave the church left them or kicked them out and how heartbreaking that would be to the Father. You know, it’s like we’re all family, we’re all one, how do we embrace that in a in a way that is kind of that light, know, shine a light that’s different than the darkness that is lurking in the corners of the algorithm that takes off on Facebook. I’m seeing more and more courageous conversations and I feel like your podcast definitely falls into that category of people just boldly saying the things that need to be said in a time where we often feel silenced or encouraged to remain silent. So thank you so much for doing that.

Just final questions or anything else that you wanted to add to the conversation?

Ruth Perry (24:53)
I’m just thinking back on some of the conversations I had with different women about their experiences in the church with patriarchal theology and how harmful that has been. And I’m just very grieved. I think if we applied the one another commands from the New Testament and we loved our sisters in Christ as we love ourselves and kind of interrogated our theology on gender and on, I mean, not just women too, LGBTQ, how they’re treated in the church.

I think our theology is really consequential and that we should be working out our salvation and we should be working really hard on what we believe. And that if we’re making God smaller than God is, and we’re not imagining that God is actively healing our neighbors and loving our neighbors and that we just assume that if they’re not like us, they’re burning in hell. So what’s the point? And the world is burning. So what’s the point of caring for God’s beautiful creation?

I think our theology really matters. And so I’m grateful my faith has grown, my view of God has expanded and my hope is just, I’m such an optimist. Like I have so much faith that God is going to heal everything. I have faith that all of my loved ones who aren’t walking with the Lord are going to be saved and that we’re going to celebrate together and we’re going to bow our knees and worship Jesus.

I live with a lot of faith and I think that that’s why I want to have these kinds of conversations because I have faith that God is doing things. And when I encounter someone, they make assumptions about me and I make assumptions about them. But having these conversations, every time I talk with someone, I’m reminded about the good news of God’s kingdom. And I’m reminded to love my neighbors better. And so if I’m the only person that is growing closer to Jesus through this process, then I’m thankful for it.

And I’m all the more grateful for the people who’ve had conversations with me. But wrapping up season one, I’m just really grateful. And I really feel like we need to get back to love because God is love. And anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. And we need to love each other. We need to love our neighbors. We need to love our enemies. And that starts with listening. That’s the bare minimum. Learn to listen to each other.

Wendy McCaig (27:15)
Well, I appreciate that invitation to think about theology and is that theology life-giving? I remember in seminary, my vision of my professors really smashing every box we tried to cram the Divine into these tiny little boxes. And I remember one of my final papers was called Smashing the God Box, just that expanding, you know, and so if your, if your theology is one that is constricting and has these boundaries that you believe that God’s grace can’t work beyond that is limiting that power that that life-giving redemptive power so I I like that you know it’s not something you generally you know at the grocery hey how you working on your theology like it’s just but it’s not that we have that opportunity to kind of go on this journey with you of people and hearing about their struggles and their opportunities. I really also appreciated the question about spiritual practices. And I think maybe you could do some outtakes of here are seven spiritual practices while you’re out on your leave or I think that invitation,

Ruth Perry (28:29)
Yeah!

Wendy McCaig (28:35)
So much of it isn’t really in our head space on our theology. It’s how are we walking it out and how are we encountering that spirit in new ways that can open up new windows into the way we see the world, the way we see our neighbors, the way we see creation. I think that would be really interesting. Not that I’m adding anything to your plate for your summer. You should just breathe and

Ruth Perry (29:00)
I’m open to any ideas and suggestions.

Wendy McCaig (29:03)
Well, Ruth, it’s been great to be able to kind of catch up with you here at the end of this season. Glad to hear there’s another one percolating and that you’re already starting to like have some episodes in your back pocket before you start will hopefully give you more peace that on those those weeks or months when life just happens you have something in your back pocket so that’s a relief to hear that you’re going to keep it going it definitely is a gift and if you figure out how to crack the algorithm challenge on Facebook please share it with the rest of us but I know those who are enjoying it make a point of finding you even when Facebook doesn’t tell us we should.

Ruth Perry (29:43)
Thank so much, Wendy.


Thank you so much for visiting The Beautiful Kingdom Builders! You can find our podcast on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Substack, and more! May God bless you this week and always.

020 I Becky Garrison on Gaslighting for God: Recognizing Spiritual Narcissists and Cultures

Find all of Becky Garrison’s books on Amazon at this link.

I had a lot of fun and a lot of “A ha!” moments reading religious satirist Becky Garrison’s ninth book, Gaslighting for God: A Satirical Guide to Save Yourself from Spiritual Narcissists. Garrison formerly wrote for The Whittenburg Door, a Christian satire magazine. Her social commentary is so insightful. In our conversation, Garrison discusses the intersections of narcissism, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse within religious communities and broader culture. She shares personal experiences, critiques of religious and political figures, and offers guidance on recognizing and resisting narcissistic dynamics. This is a very timely resource and is well-researched and comes from deep expertise.

Key topics in this episode:
Narcissism and spiritual abuse in religious communities
The role of humor and satire in exposing narcissistic dynamics
Personal experiences with narcissistic family and church systems
Connections between political figures like Trump and broader cultural narcissism
Strategies for recognizing and resisting narcissistic manipulation

Here are links for you to follow Garrison’s work:
Buy Gaslighting for God
Becky Garrison Website
Becky Garrison on Substack
YouTube Channel of Becky Garrison

Please enjoy this episode of The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, Substack, and more! 

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is author, journalist, and religious satirist, Becky Garrison, whose most recent book is titled, Gaslighting for God, a satirical guide to saving yourself from spiritual narcissists. Thank you so much for being here today, Becky.

Becky (00:26)
Thank you for having me, much appreciated.

Ruth Perry (00:32)
I just finished your book yesterday and I was really amazed by it. It was really powerful. It wasn’t what I was expecting in some ways and then it was so more deep and insightful than I was expecting in other ways. And so I highly God anyone who wants to learn more about gaslighting and narcissism and how this intersects with the Christian church in America. It’s really fantastic.

But as I was reading your book, one of the thoughts that I kept having was, have producers or writers of the show, Righteous Gemstones, reached out to you, Becky? I think you’d be a great writer!

Becky (01:05)
No, they have not and in fact, I mean that show my only quibble with that show is that in real life Prosperity Gospels would never swear in public. We use words like sugar instead of other words. So that that was my only quibble and I don’t think they would have been quite as sexually up But that’s the Danny McBride did. He likes to have men walking around doing things and he did that but other than that he really captured I think the essence of someone even Eli and even his wife, they were still so caught up in their own narcissism that even the sweet, precious, matriarch, she was still narcissistic as all get out. It was more overt versus covert. But there was clearly an evidence that they never really cared about their congregation. They cared about the numbers and the pews and that’s what I think the ultimate definition of a narcissist versus someone who’s self-absorbed. I mean, we all like attention.

You know to be it’s nice to be recognized. It’s nice to get validated. And sometimes when you have a book coming out or another project and you can get full of your own But you can get a little too full of yourself, but then someone can call you out and say hey, wait a minute knock it off. That could not happen with the Righteous Gemstones. They lack empathy. They lack compassion. They had no self-awareness whatsoever of how their actions were impacting others. There’s also a grandiose sense of self. I am better than you. I am a better human being than you. I am smarter than you. If it’s one of those mean girl things, I look better than you. Whatever it is, I am better than other people. Not just I’m for myself, but I’m full of myself a little bit on times.

Ruth Perry (02:36)
I did appreciate towards the end of your book, you did talk about how it is important for us to take some pride in our work and to enjoy the process of creating things and putting things out there and creating community. And because in the back of my mind, I always have this little niggling thing, like I don’t want to be narcissistic, And sometimes,

Like now starting this podcast, I feel really passionate about putting alternative narratives about Christianity out there rather than the toxic forms that are so pervasive. But I don’t want to be narcissistic. And so I really did appreciate that at the end of your book, how you talked about how taking some pride in your work and like enjoying that process is good.

Becky (03:09)
Mmm. Typically, if you’re asking yourself, am I narcissistic? Odds are you’re not. The kind of celebrity who humblebrags, we’re all a little narcissistic or, I just might be narcissistic about that. Yeah, that person’s a flaming narcissist trying to deflect. But a lot of us, it is something that you struggle with. And I think it’s a legitimate struggle. How do you have an open conversation and admitting your humanity? You might look at your podcast when we can go, damn, someone’s doing better than me.

That’s normal, that’s okay to do. It’s acknowledging, it’s an inability, not there’s another human being on the other end and that person matters and they don’t matter as someone who can give you volunteer hours, who can give you their money, who can give you whatever you need from them, the affirmation, the accolades, et cetera, et cetera. But we all have that it’s important. It’s called either high self-esteem healthy narcissism. That’s what gets me to keep going up and keep going. I believe in what I’m doing. I believe in my work. I believe in it passionately and I will defend it and that might maybe come off as a bit of an a-hole. But that’s the difference between that and a narcissist.

Like if someone’s being kind of rude to me and kind of a jerk and I’m a little bit rude back, that might be justified in my behavior. I’m still going to feel a little something. I hurt someone’s feelings. I feel bad and I should feel a little bad because I hurt someone’s feelings. And what am I going to do to make that better? So I can become more regulated so I don’t snap at someone.

Ruth Perry (04:45)
How do you employing humor impactful when you’re having difficult conversations like this?

Becky (04:52)
Well, there’s role of the satirist, if you think of it. He functions as the court jestor. We keep the king honest. I’m thinking, one of my childhood influences was Monty Python. I was a prenatal Episcopalian. My late father was an Episcopal priest and a sociology professor. Do the math, do the ecclesiology. Yep, I was prenatal Episcopalian.

And so the way in which they lampoon the lunacies, you all can laugh at something collectively. And once you can laugh at something and say, my God, this is absolutely ridiculous. It helps break the energy down. And it really gives us a chance to see, because the point of a satirist is if we can break the idol, smash the idol, you can then see the glimpses of God or goodness underneath, but you first must smash the idol. And we’re in a period right now of a lot of idol smashing and that’s where you’re getting a lot of the pushback is that from the most extreme fundamentalist to the most enlightened guru, everyone has their idol and they love it. I mean, the people would love it. The Wittenberg Door, the progressives. I say this in the book when I would satirize a televangelist, all of a sudden we would satirize Jim Wallace, Tony Campallo, Brian McLaren, the whole emergent church gang. And all of a sudden you would have thought that we committed Harry Carrey on.

You know, it was like, and that’s why I did not understand that versus someone like Jerry Jenkins. So I mentioned the book. We satirized him. How can you not satirize the Left Behind series? You have to do that. It is ripe. I we had the plumbers edition, the Cleft Behind, everything. And he wrote us back and said, Hey, this is funny. I’m open for an interview if you’re up for it. And I did it. And we do not agree on probably anything theologically.

Or very few things we would agree on. But we had one the most pleasant conversations because he was a decent human being. You know, he was not a narcissist. He was kind, he was generous. And we had a very pleasant interview. Other people that I’ve agreed with on almost everything, theologically, and then all of a sudden I’ll just critique them and you would have thought that I did something horrible to them. They just go absolutely like Tasmanian Devil Ballistic.

Until the research in the narcissism. I had no clue what was going on. And now I can watch the news I can watch certain progressive pastors and their conservative counterparts and go yep. That’s a narcissistic meltdown. Okay, I don’t have to take that person seriously because you cannot have a dialogue with a narcissist. You can enjoy their entertainment If there’s no abuse involved, I want to make that clear if there’s abuse you should not be supporting this. But if the person is just a full-blown narcissist and you happen to like their music, you like their performance, go see it. It’s enjoyable. Just don’t expect anything beyond the evening’s fun. I think that’s where especially Christians, we’re looking for a form of a community. You cannot have that with a narcissist. And that’s what you have to give up is the hope that you’ll ever have a community with this person.

Ruth Perry (07:40)
So you have developed a very finely tuned narcissism detector, it seems. And then you also say in your book that coupled with that, you have an intense desire to speak truth to pastoral power. So before we dive into the content of your book, I was curious if you would share what is your personal background and experiences that have shaped you in that way.

Becky (07:45)
Okay. I was born to a hippie father from a very old, genteel southern family. He was the black sheep, to put it kindly, who was, I later discovered in my teens was an alcoholic. I’ve now since realized he was also a narcissist. And I realized that the majority of my extended family were narcissists. He married an enabling earth mother type, both of them died from their addictions in the 1970s. And at that time, the research was not there for alcoholism. So there was a lot of blame, a lot of shame. These were the bad people. And the family was displacing them. And I was also the family white elephant spotter, so to speak, in that I would say, why is so-and-so drunk? Why is this happening? I’m seeing something. And I would continuously be told, you’re making that up. That isn’t true. No, you’re not.

So I now have through the research learned that often the oldest child is the one scapegoat, because they’re the ones who can see the truth. My younger brother was the golden child. My younger sister was the golden beauty and I was the loser dreamer. So I was scape. So this dynamic came from my childhood, but yet my father in his research, I mentioned this in the book, he was studying how to reach those on the fringes. He was researching why were some kids joining SDS and others joining JAPUZA. What was it that was attracting these kids to these radical movements? Neither one of which we now have learning was really proven to be very healthy, but why were kids drawn to wanting to make a better difference? And that put them up to be easily manipulated by people that had more nefarious agendas. So that got it started.

When I discovered the Wittenberg Door, was the perfect outlet for all the anger that I felt about the church I mean I did go to divinity school because there’s a side of silly me thought I wanted to be like my father. Until I realized had I done that I don’t think I’d be here today. The church would have crushed me. I see a lot of my friends that have a similar spirit to me and the institutional church just crushed them. They do so much better when they’re outside the church doing their own thing instead of trying to function within what I would say is a highly narcissistic institution that I’m convinced that the institutional church is dead. I think there’s some individual churches doing some great work, but I think their institutional structure is just too necrotic. And through the Wittenberg Door, we began to satirize that. And that led to a lot of things. I did a lot of the faith and politics stuff. I also started when God’s Politics blog became a best seller.

That’s when I started critiquing the progressives and all of a sudden all the progressives that loved the Door, they loved how we went after the conservatives, that’s when they started to hammer us. They could not accept the fact that there could be narcissism in their midst in a more covert form. As one who grew up with the frozen chosen, as you call the Episcopalies, I would say hell yes, it’s rampant.

Ruth Perry (10:47)
I had a friend on, maybe a month ago to share a story of being a survivor of a marriage with a narcissist and her husband is Benjamin L. Corey, a progressive Christian writer about peace and nonviolence. But then in his personal life, just super controlling and passive aggressive and very much a narcissistic sponge, feeding off of my friend. And I’m just at a loss of how does someone like my friend get any justice? For right now, she was alienated from her children because of litigation after their separation. She can’t even see her children. And so it’s such a frustrating situation.

Becky (11:24)
It is and I don’t have an easy answer. I’m not a lawyer. I can’t give legal advice. I did notice that what was interesting I’m thinking about Phillip Yancey, there’s another case that came into play and that was very frustrating in that revelations came out that he had an affair. There was something involving his assistant that sounded a little nefarious. I mean, she died kind of suddenly in a freak climbing accident in a gym.

Ruth Perry (11:33)
Yeah!

Becky (11:47)
Which if you’re an experienced climber, almost never happens. So I’m still, there’s something a little fishy there. I’m just saying, I think in that case, he would never accept your responsibility. He never, he just said, I’m so great. He viewed the women in his life as pawns. And I think the best we can do is you just speak your truth to power. And I’ve been in that situation that she’s been in. When I saw abuse within the US emergent church movement in 2006, I spoke out.

And I got hammered. I got doxxed. I got cyber bullied. I was not was a very unpleasant situation. And the more I learned, I taught myself what gaslighting was and what scapegoating was, I understood the dynamics of what was happening. I learned how to do gray rock. ‘Cause in the beginning. I appeared crazy.

I would be like, what the, you know, what do you mean? I am not jealous. I am simply pointing out the fact that you claim that you’re inclusive and you have one female speaker. And then once the female speaker got on board, she immediately became just like the men because she had to preserve her place of power. So I was simply saying, you’re promoting religionless Christianity. And there’s a hierarchy. There’s a lot of abuse within this system. There’s this private networks that are spreading all kind of stuff. And because I had not

done enough work on myself and my own trauma triggers, I came off as crazy. I’m not going to recreate how I came off, but it was not to my best interest. So the first thing I say to anybody is get your own self together by finding whatever somatic therapy works for you. For me, it was EMDR. If I had not had EMDR, I don’t think I could have written the book because I would have been too triggered by bringing up past traumas. And I think that’s the first thing I would say is have you done your oxygen mask, taking care of yourself. And the second is what did not exist in 2006 that exists now are support groups. When Tony Jones tried to re-emerge as another emergent church speaker, other people all of a sudden started calling his crap out. That did not happen in 2006. Everybody was still part of, I want to be part of the cool kids crap.

Your friend now has other women who have been through something similar. You know Tia Levings has an excellent list of trauma resources on her page. Her book I Belong to Me is coming out in May. I would give it to her as a gift, you know What do you need to do for yourself? And once you get to that point, I think you’ll be in a better place. Your kids are gonna see a different mother They may be so poisoned in top that that you can’t control but you can control your response to a situation and find other people to support. When I had an experience, my first revelation of the narcissism, I had gotten to a professional and personal relationship with a mindfulness therapist who I’d later discovered is a narcissist. A malignant narcissist at best may even have some psychopathic tendencies. I couldn’t tell if he enjoyed inflicting his pain or he just didn’t care.

But I joined a narcissistic support group and I realized, this is 2016, so the research was much newer than it is now. And I realized I’m not alone. Other women have the same experience. This is a pattern. I could not see the pattern because I believed in the promise of whatever this person was preaching. I believed in the goodness. I had a good heart. I’m an empath and my God, we’re magnets for narcissists.

I’m now narcissistic resistant. Narcissists don’t approach me like they used to. You can become narcissistic resistant. They will go to somebody else. And you have to also get over your fear of missing out. And I’m also over my hypervigilance. If I narcissist, someone that I know has extreme narcissistic tendencies, hurting someone else, I’ll just point it out, but I’m not going to try to rescue people. We’ve made so much progress.

We’re in the narcissistic research right now where alcoholism was in 1980. I started the recovery movement actually in 83. And it was very nascent. There wasn’t a whole lot out there, but we were starting to understand that alcoholism was not a mental illness. It was a very complex dynamic that impacted the entire family. And how was I impacted? Being raised in an extended family of alcoholics who I now realize are many of were narcissists, including the ones that aren’t alcoholics. I mean, it was pretty much, I can count on one hand, the number of extended family members I know that are not narcissists, to be honest. And I began to realize a lot of that. And I think for people, find other people, they exist and you’ll develop a network and you’ll discover you’re not alone.

And once you realize you’re not alone, that eliminates so much of the anxiety and pain that you’re feeling. At least that’s been my experience.

Ruth Perry (16:16)
It does seem like narcissism is such a systemic and widespread issue in our culture today. And just listening to you speak, I’m a pastor’s kid as well, although my parents were teetotalers because they both came from alcoholic families. But that same dynamic was still in the family. also ⁓ dynamic those in my family that you name in your book is manipulators and martyrs.

You were quoting Brad Sargent’s friend, Linda O: “Manipulators and martyrs go together in matched pairs,” and I was thinking about how women are conditioned in the church to make ourselves smaller and to be quiet and meek and gentle and so we’re just trained from a very early age to be the martyr. And then we end up in, a lot of us end up in relationships like this where there’s a manipulator. And part of that is the culture training men too, to be this way where they feel entitled to things and they feel special.

Becky (17:00)
Mm-hmm. And then there’s people like me that just push back from the get-go and we’re always excluded. And it’s taking me a long time to develop sympathy for what I call the mean girls. I’ve been thinking about this and I began to realize that, my sister was a classic mean girl. And what it was is she from the beginning was ranked based on her beauty. She was ranked based on her looks, her ability to present. She never did the beauty pageant cheerleader thing.

But that is one of the dynamics, is that we want our women to look a certain way. We want them to appeal to the male gaze. And if you don’t, in the 70s and 80s, you’d be called lesbian, you’d be called, worse, which was really absolutely horrible for women that actually preferred same-sex relationships. To me, to use that term as a slur is just absolutely god-awful. And I kept telling them, no, I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t want a guy that’s going to be like the husband you guys married kind of thing. You know, and you tell people that sometimes you make a conscious decision that given my family dynamics, I decided it was best that I remained unmarried and without children. just decided that is the best. I cannot give a kid a decent family life. And I also need to do a lot of work on myself so I can now find a lot healthier relationships.

And so I made a conscious decision not to involve innocent humans in my family’s dynamic, which was not an easy decision to make, but it was one that I realized I needed to do because it was not be fair to an innocent third party. I think with the me girls, I just realized they got ahead by using their sexuality. They’re the ones that Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, other women preyed on. They wouldn’t have preyed on me because they could tell by looking at me, I wasn’t going to be that compliant. My attraction to narcissism was more the spiritual guru promising this. That’s where I would be attracted to people. But in terms of just the whole mean girl persona, I I resented those women like crazy for quite a while because they could make your life miserable. If you were the little nerdy writer, those kind of women can just make life hell.

And even today, I encounter them sometimes. I’ll do spirits reporting and beer reporting. I’m often the only woman there, so it’s no big deal. But if I do wine reporting, some of those women can just be absolutely mean girl central. And some of the publicists, and and I used to be worried about that. I used to get really like, I don’t fit into these women. Now I realize we’re all going through something, even these women, these beauty queen patterns. You you see these 24 year olds that are dating 60, 70, 80 year olds, it’s not healthy, but they’re going through something on their gotta be something going on, because a lot of the mean girls are not happy. Because if you are really pleased and content with yourself, you don’t need to be an outraging bitch to other people. You don’t need to do that.

What is it about you that makes them feel like in order for them to affirm you, they have to put you down. And over time, I think these women develop a narcissistic core. I don’t know if my sister, she didn’t start out that way, but over time she became more and more self-centered because her looks, that was her currency.

Ruth Perry (20:08)
When I started reading, I thought that you’d talk a lot more about Trump. I was surprised that you didn’t. And the way that evangelical and conservative Christians have embraced him, even though he appears to many people to be a Machiavellian, like the worst kind of just really dark triad personality type narcissist. What connections do you see between spiritual gaslighting and broader cultural patterns in politics and patriarchy and nationalism and all of those intersections.

Becky (20:37)
I had an agent try to sell this book in 2018. The original book proposal was Trump focused. Publishers didn’t want it. They said, we’re done with Trump books. We have enough books. Steve Hassan did the case against Trump. There is the book, Dangerous Case, Bandy Lee edited a book on the dangerous case of Donald Trump, lays it out. She ended up getting fired, by the way, for diagnosing someone which was very questionable, but still you’re not supposed to diagnose.

I believe that Trump is a symptom. We’ve growing up as a kid. Do you remember Lyndon LaRouche? Do you remember these we’ve always had crackpots. We’ve always had nutcases. The question for me was why in 2016 when they were presented with a slate of reasonable Republican candidates The voters chose Trump that is the question that I wanted to answer it to me. That’s a deeper question that was you brewing for some time now. When you look through his story, we’ve had these church splits that have been simmering and simmering Trump is just when it look at 1979, that’s the year the Episcopal Church first ordained women.

It’s also the formation of the Moral Majority. And it was not founded on abortion. Abortion came out in 1973. Naveen Jeltsin did not give a hoot. Jerry Falwell was quoted, That’s a Catholic issue. But they were really upset about was interracial dating and that’s why they really formed. But they pretty soon had to do, we have to do a family-friendly thing because even in 79 you couldn’t say we’re the white party. You just could not say that and get elected in 79. So we had the Moral Majority.

And then you look at the year I started writing for the Wittenberg Door, 1994 was the year the Republicans took over Congress with the Christian Coalition. And we thought, wow, that’s going to be… And then you found Clinton in 96. In addition to the Monica Lewinsky scandal, he also formed the DLC, which really started to alienate a lot of progressives. You can see a lot of these shifts starting to happen in a lot of years.

We thought in 2008 when Obama was elected, he was the first president to acknowledge atheists at the National Prayer Breakfast. We thought we’re hitting this progressive revolution. in 2016, I was really excited. The DNC put up the most diverse list of candidates ever. We had people of color. We had a gay man, more women, this dynamic lineup. The DNC stacked the deck and gave us Hillary.

And that was the moment I said, we’re going to get President Trump. And my friends who are progressive said, you’re wrong. I said, no. The will of the people were ignored. You have enough Bernie bros that want change. They’re going to vote for change. They did. And that’s how we got Trump. And then in 2020, the Democrats again, had a pretty good lineup, not quite as diverse. They gave us Biden, who we did not want. I felt that the progressives kept stacking the deck and further frustrating. And when people get frustrated and they feel like no one’s listening to them, that’s when they’re susceptible to cult dynamics. That’s when they’re susceptible to saying to they’re not listening to you.

Because guess what? They weren’t. And if people feel that no one is listening to them, they will go to someone who is telling them exactly what they need to hear. That is the moment when people are the most susceptible to joining cults. I think that’s what happened in 2020. And then in 2024, well, we’re going to give you Biden again, even though you don’t really want him. And then at the last minute, we’re going to switch aroo and give you Kamala, who never won a primary, she was never the most popular candidate. And then boom, Trump gets elected again.

I’m looking at this from a broader perspective. I also think that people did not realize in 2024 how bad it was going to get. I think they thought they were taking a malignant narcissist who didn’t care about anybody, but he was going to keep America out of war. He was going keep America first. He was going do something with sensible immigrant. don’t know if sensible is not the word I’ve used, but I think people thought it was going be a continuation of the first term. I don’t think they thought that you could get worse than Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I don’t think they thought you could get worse than Jeff Sessions and Richard Barr. I don’t think they could get worse than whoever was his defense secretary. I mean, the moment Pete Hegsath and they changed his Department of War, this is when I felt it went from malignant narcissism to Machiavellianism. Because in the beginning, I do think there’s a sense that, and anybody who lives in New York City knows this, he does not care about anybody but himself. He’s mobbed up.

The media wanted this conflict circus. I think if we had investigated his ties to Roy Cohn, for example, really thoroughly, this was scary. Roy Cohn was Joseph McCarthy’s lawyer. That was Trump’s lawyer. Roy Cohn repped several mob families. He introduced him to these mob families. And the media didn’t investigate that because I think they wanted the Hillary Trump matchup. That was great for ratings.

putting Biden against Trump, that was hysterical. I mean, that was like watching a really bad Saturday Night Live sketch to watch those two men debate. I was watching this going, no matter who gets elected, we’re either going to be screwed or absolutely completely effed. And in 2024, when they did the switcheroo, I said, this is not, we’re going to get Trump again. And I just knew it. I didn’t know how bad it was going to be.

What people might want to realize is that there’s a difference between a malignant narcissist and full-blown cult. The distinction is a cult leader by nature is an extreme narcissist. They’re also a psychopath, meaning they enjoy what they’re doing. A narcissist doesn’t care a psychopath enjoys. That’s how I distinguish it. And the Machiavellian nature is they want to take over the world. They want domination over their entire universe.

Whereas in our society it just wants to be number one. They don’t feel the need to dominate. They need to be the center of attention, but there’s not this need for the world domination that you see now. And we’ve got ourselves into this pickle and I don’t see the Democrats and the progressives offering candidates that are really going to get us out of it. At least on the presidential level. On the local level, yes, that’s why I’m shifting my focus somewhat, I think we could help rebuild at the local level. How do we care for our neighbor? There’s a difference between Trump and MAGA, and I make that distinction. And where we go from here, I’m not gonna be a politician, I’m not gonna be a fortune teller, but that’s why I didn’t make it Trump specific because this is gonna continue when he’s gone. MAGA is gonna be here. And there are also ardent progressives.

And I think it would help to look at what were legitimate concerns that people had the progressives ignored. And that’s the beginning of a step of healing is to look at that component. Like how many women who were MAHA, they just wanted alternative treatments for their kids. A lot of them, they were not full blown MAGA, but all of sudden they felt the Big Pharma was telling them how to rule their lives.

The Big Pharma was calling them idiots or education was calling them idiots for wanting to homeschool their kids. They wanted to do alternative things that were legal and justified and they were not allowed to do it. You know, women were trying to give their little kid who has epilepsy, giving him CBD and discovering it worked and then being told they couldn’t give it. They had to give the kid pharma drug that A, they couldn’t afford and B, cause their kid to be sick. What would have happened if the women who were interested in natural health had been taken more seriously, would they have gone full blown? So you always have to think of what could you have done? Were you so full of your own hubris and your own self-righteousness that you didn’t listen to what other people were asking and demanding? And I think that’s where I’m seeing the progressive movement is, is are they willing to listen to alternative views?

There’s a large group of people that I think are dissatisfied with everything. What are they going to do about that dissatisfaction? Where can they put that?

Ruth Perry (28:17)
So what is it narcissistic personalities that both woo and wound people?

Becky (28:23)
I would call it the Jekyll-Hyde syndrome. They can be incredibly charismatic. They’re also very tuned into when you’re vulnerable. You see this with certain rather nefarious dating coaches is I will give you what you’re looking for. You’re looking for women empowerment. You’re looking to explore your female sexuality. You’re looking to do better your business. You’re looking to be a better mother. Whatever you are looking for that you’re not finding, they have the answer. And they will just love bomb you to bits. They will give you everything you want. And to the point where you don’t realize how much money you’re spending, how much time you’re spending, because you’re getting that fix. You’re getting that high. You’re getting that adrenaline rush, that oxycutin. You’re getting that, ooh, that dopamine hit. It feels so good to finally be recognized, especially if you come from a background where you haven’t been recognized.

And then the moment, the nanosecond, you disagree. The moment you say, I can’t afford to pay it this month, I need to take some time for myself, I need to step back a little bit. Whatever, you have just drained them of their narcissistic supply. The moment you cut it off, they will turn into to Mr. Hyde and do what is called narcissistic collapse. They will go completely irrational. I think for a lot of us, we do get disappointed. If someone cancels on you last minute, you’re going to be disappointed. But that’s different than someone going completely ballistic. It’s someone saying, I’m disappointed that we’re not making this projections right. What can we do to make this better versus I’m disappointed in you for failing?

After you have a narcissistic collapse hit you, you sit there going what the hell just happened? It’s not as simple like I need to have a talk with you about your work performance or we need to discuss you being a bit cleaner or bit whatever. It’s complete annihilation of you or all of sudden they get with a one out of you, you wrote those three articles I needed you to write to make me feel good, okay, bye, I’m gone. They took what they needed from you and then they left you. Just bye. And you’re starting going, what the hell just happened here? And their words don’t match their actions. And after a while, you start to find yourself going crazy, which is why I find it very helpful to identify the pattern because it keeps you from going crazy.

Now I can identify it and I go, okay, that person’s having narcissistic collapse. I’m going to treat him like a three year old, a toddler. Just walk away. I’m not going to engage. You cannot rationalize with a toddler. You cannot be reasonable. And if you give him his binky or his Nobel Peace Prize, it’s not going to solve anything. It’s a temporary, it’s like a pacifier situation. They’re going to continue to escalate. This is not going to stop until you walk away and then let them find somebody else. And over time, it starts to crumble. And that’s what you’re seeing now is the starting of the crumbling.

Maybe I’m too naive to think that, but I do believe, and I’m looking at the Epstein files to me as the beginning of a revelation of we’re finally starting to see a lot of stuff start to crumble. And that’s a good thing. I say, hallelujah.

Ruth Perry (31:14)
What is the connection to and sex abuse in these kind of high control groups?

Becky (31:20)
Because they can. I do not understand the attraction to children. I do not understand why any man would want to have a relationship with someone who’s not age appropriate. I don’t get it. And I think that some of it is these men do not want adult relationships. They want relationships they can control. Men have always wanted, some have wanted significant younger women, and there’s always women who are willing naive enough.

In the case of children, you start to tell a kid who comes from a very broken home who’s never had any kind of love. They’re so susceptible to being loved bombed. And all of a sudden they’ve never had anything. Wow, I got a couple hundred dollars just for doing this little act. Can’t be that bad. And then before they know it, they’ve been trafficked beyond their beliefs because they didn’t understand what was going on. They didn’t understand the dynamics. An older woman would walk into that and go, what the hell?

But then I’m dealing, like I’m looking into something, as you might have there was a UMC minister in Missouri and she the executive assistant and then the grounds manager for Epstein Island. claims she didn’t see anything. At the time she was studying to be a minister, as I understand And the UMC has suspended her pending investigation because they feel that her involvement this case went against the UMC’s code of ethics around treatment of women. Hallelujah for small victories. However, I’m very shocked that she claimed she saw nothing. I mean, you see the photos of the house. You didn’t think it was odd there was a dentist chair in there. You didn’t think it was odd there were photos of underage girls. There was like Lolita on steroids.

You’re a pastor and I don’t expect a pastor to be a complete intuitive, because we all have different personality types. But if you’re a pastor and you don’t think there’s something wrong with unaccompanied minors getting off of a plane to meet a group of old men, if your spidey sense doesn’t do anything and you claim you saw nothing, then you’re not qualified to be a minister because at a basic core. A minister needs to notice when something that serious is going on. I would expect a pastor to know that youth minister is getting a little too handsy. Yes, that volunteer is being inappropriate. If you can’t even see something as blatantly obvious as underage girls, unaccompanied often with a lot of older men, and you think this is just a pool party, you’re not qualified for ordained ministry.

And the fact that she got called out on it, I’m glad the UMC is doing the right thing. What no one has figured out is how did she meet I want to know how did a UMC minister from Missouri meet Jeffrey Epstein and get offered that job? So always interested in looking at the connections because Epstein has made some referrals. He referred Eric Metaxas’ book to somebody.

Ruth Perry (33:59)
Yeah.

Becky (34:02)
No, I take it back, Ken Starr referred Eric Metaxas’ book to him. And then there was an instance where he forwarded on Rick Warren’s newsletter. Well, okay, what is Ken Starr doing referring the book written by the guy who was one earliest Trump supporters? Eric Metaxas was supporting Trump before anybody else did, just about. So he was a key figure in helping Trump get elected. Why is Ken Barr recommending this Bonhoeffer book, the book is terrible. Every scholar said it’s terrible. Then you have other, references like that. Epstein recommended Dobson’s Dare to Discipline book to a young survivor who was having problems with her family. These are very evangelical books. How are they getting into that network? So far that’s the only Christian connection I’ve been able to find.

Deepak Chopra is another thing. He claims I didn’t do anything inappropriate. And you’re sitting here discussing how, you know, God is a construct, cute girls are real. And I would never go to a guru that said that. That is disgusting. I mean, that is just the way he’s discussing about girls. Like, did you bring me girls? Did you bring me girls? You’re a grown adult male who is responsible, thanks to Oprah in large part, for bringing in all of these concepts of the East to the West. Oprah basically, now that we’ve realized, was a walking show for predators. She gave us Dr. Phil, she gave us Dr. Oz, she gave us the anti-vax movement. She supported John of God. And if you Google John of God in Brazil, he is in jail bizarre medical experiments and pedophilia.

So I think we have to look at ourselves and why did we ever trust Oprah? She’s not trustworthy. Look at all the people she’s introduced us to. She never took any responsibility. She also introduced us to the secret of Dr. Lisa Rankin is someone that I would recommend your listeners check out. She’s one of the people that spoke on Deepak’s stage, one of the few people speaking out. All these people that stood and profited by being connected to Deepak have not spoken out. And yet she did. A few people are speaking out. There’s some outliers who are saying, I’m willing to risk my book contract. I’m willing to risk my speaking, my place on the center stage. I’m willing to do what needs to be done to make this right. Now, why they didn’t speak out before is another story, but they’re speaking out now. And I think this is similar to the Weinstein in the Cosby case. It takes a while to convince people that someone this powerful is this evil.

Ruth Perry (36:24)
I had a funny interaction. I met Eric Metaxas seven or eight years ago. I was homeschooling my children by day and waitressing by night. And I live in the vicinity of Liberty University. And he had a group of conservative influencers at dinner at the steakhouse. And they were there for some event at the Falkirk Center at Liberty. And after the dinner, Eric Metaxas was standing up and he asked me if I knew who he was. And I said, I do know who you are. And he said, that’s so nice. I’m going to let my wife know that you said that. What did I say?

Becky (36:57)
I interviewed him for The Door and this is before the Wilberforce book. He was anti post veggie tales, not quite the best selling author. And it was one of most worst interviews of my life. It’s just all the oxygen in the room was sucked out and he was incredibly full of himself.

But what I appreciate about that was that I could get it, I knew to stay away from it from get-go. It was the progressives. Like I was drawn in to Nadia Bolz Weber, Pete Rollins, that more progressive line of thought. And actually I endorsed some of their stuff in the beginning, because in the beginning it sounded really good. So then all of sudden the moment they became bestselling authors, or if not bestselling in the case of Rollins, the moment they got their little click going.

It was just all of a sudden, ooh, wow. I mean, they were just as obnoxious as Eric Metaxas, but in a slightly subtler way. And it can be really when someone writes something that you believe and then you meet them and you go, crap. And so I’m telling people, take what’s good. Okay, if they wrote something that you enjoy, acknowledge that. There’s nothing wrong with you for taking someone’s words and saying, that word’s really…

Move me but just know that person didn’t live out those teachings, you know and try to find people that did live out those teachings They exist. I mean Henri Nouwen, there was never anything about him and he’s someone that I continue to rely on yes, there were some abuses within the community for him, but it was after his death. He had nothing to do with that There are a lot of good spiritual thinkers that don’t engage in this. So the question is don’t kick yourself, but then look and say where can I find better fruit?

Where can I find fruit from people who like that? Which is why I continue to recommend Tia Leving. There’s a lot of people in the religious trauma field that I tell people, be careful. Similar to the recovery movement. There’s people out there wanting to make a name for themselves as deconstruction coaches, religious trauma coaches, whatever you want to help someone with their faith. And that’s why I say I’m a writer. I mean, have an MSW.

Actually clinical social work is going to be particular, but I’m not licensed right now and I am going to sell myself as a writer. I am not going to sell myself as a life coach. I’m gonna stay in my own lane, I’m gonna leave that up to qualified trauma therapists who are working currently in that field and I will provide the education to hopefully give people the awareness that yeah maybe that kind of help would be helpful for me. But there are, a lot of people out there trying to sell you their own shtick and there’s some really good solid voices. And it’s important to kind of distinguish between the two of them. And it takes a while. I mean, to me, one of the biggest things is do you get a sense of community around them? Do you get a sense of care?

Or it’s all about them and their accomplishments and what they can do and what their success rate And we’re kind of in this gray kind of new frontier. The research in the narcissism is only about 10 years old. You still have a lot of therapists that think religious trauma is BS. They don’t think that you get trauma from a religious experience. So there’s a lot of education that needs to happen. Similar to where I said where alcoholism was in the 1980s.

Ruth Perry (40:00)
I also had EMDR therapy because I realized been reading about religious trauma for a long and it didn’t ever occur to me that I had religious trauma. But then it kind of clicked in place after many years of like myself just trying to make sense of all the different things I had experienced in the church and often very painful and things and having that EMDR therapy was extremely helpful.

Becky (40:26)
Oh yeah, and it’s not the only form of therapy that could work. There are other somatic forms. There’s brain spotting, emotional isometrics, a lot of different treatments. And you find a therapist that works for you. How I chose my therapist for EMDR is I began to ask and see, did she really listen to me? Like I described to her that I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to have kids. And I was describing my relationship status and whatnot.

I look to see in her eyes, was she judging You know, is saying that whatever choices, if I make healthy legal lifestyle choices, those should be mine. Like if you want to legally choose to be a sex, if you want to become a sex worker, that’s your personal decision versus being coerced into something. So I’d say when you go to a therapist, how does that therapist treat you? Do you get any kind of a creepy vibe? Get the hell out of there.

Find another therapist. There’s plenty of therapists that do EMDR, that do somatic work. And a lot of that is for women. Your gut is such a good tool and we don’t use it. We kind of just say, I’m not feeling good. I’ll just go take some Pepto-Bismol. We don’t tune into why are you feeling that? No, don’t medicate that. Don’t drink it away. You don’t need a glass of wine to deal with this. Think of why you’re feeling this way.

And that tells you something isn’t quite right. Now, this therapist might be right for somebody else, but it’s not right for you. Not everything is narcissistic. But something just might not be right for you. The more you’re in tune with what you need and what you want, you’re not going to be coerced into just doing and going along with what everybody else says.

And you also don’t hear what the mean girls say, which for women, I think that’s something that we really need to focus on because a lot of the mean girls got ahead and those of us who weren’t mean girls didn’t get the job. But what I’m starting to realize now is they paid a price for getting that job. They have had to sacrifice their looks. I mean, we can make fun of Maro Lago face all we want, but those women had to subject whoever they are to so deep inside of them that it’s almost like there’s not a person there anymore. I don’t know if they were born that way, I don’t know a lot of their childhoods, but they’ve become an incredibly self-centered narcissistic person that can only think of themselves from their own lens of beauty. And they’re doing whatever they can do to maintain their place of power. That is clearly a narcissistic move. I don’t know how many of them started out that way.

I suspect it’s like my sister that they were told from a very young age, they’re beautiful. Were never told they were smart. Were never told they could do whatever they wanted to do. So they began to focus primarily on developing their looks. And as they got to be in their thirties and forties, it got even harsher. You know, they had to continue to maintain that persona.

Ruth Perry (43:02)
Well, your book is a very helpful guide, social commentary that you give and your insight and how well you understand what is going on and how well you describe all these terms mean. Narcissism, gaslighting, the echo chamber. There’s so many different things that you describe and explain and it seems like you’ve read a hundred books in the process of writing this book.

Becky (43:24)
Well, it helps to read all the research that’s out there. And in fact, a lot of the narcissism books, what I didn’t like about it was they were focusing on dating, or parenting, which I think is an important thing. But it was also having a black and white view. And I take a gray view, which is why I said, if something’s risen to the level of malignancy, like what I was finding in the U.S. Emergent Church world, then I feel it’s wrong to participate in that group’s activities because you’re supporting an abusive culture. But if someone is just a full blown self-centered narcissist, but yet you enjoy their comedy show, I we don’t evaluate musicians or actresses or we say we like the show. And I found that by looking at something like, okay, I like your show. It really changes how I feel because I’m not looking to form a community.

I’m looking to have an enjoyable evening enjoying the social lubricant because we all need some degree of social lubricant. We have a loneliness epidemic. But I’ve also learned it’s okay to be alone. It’s better to be alone than to be trying to get the approval of a narcissistic system, a narcissistic community. And I was one of these Uber volunteers. I love to help. And for me, just pulling back and saying, nope, not going to do it. That’s been life changing for me truly.

And you can find communities that care. I go to tasting rooms like Misara, this winery run by a Persian winemaker and have an incredibly connected experience. At Kristoff Farms, Nick Kristoff and his wife, they do cider and community building conversations through cider and their Pinot Noir wines. There ways, even though you can say, oh, this one aspect of the industry is very narcissistic and superficial and only cares about wine scores and who’s this and who’s that. There’s another side that’s really connective and really community and grounded in sustainability. And I tell people, my reporting, I look to do stuff that’s reporting on sustainability, community, spirituality. And I consciously look for things that have those elements. If they don’t have it, I might say, this is a nice evening. Nice dinner, nice glass of wine, nice music, nice show. But I’m not gonna expect that to be my community connective place. I’m gonna go to those community connective places that really care about me. And it’s life changing once you can learn to make that shift. And I wish the best for everybody. But take care of yourself, for your friend and find other people.

There are other people like you. This is emerging as more and more of us start to come to these awarenesses. We’re finding other support groups. Tons of podcasts. I’ve been on a number of them and you know, there’s a lot of conversations happening, how to find authenticity. I think people are searching for that in this world. And I don’t think you can find it at the national level, but I think you can find it at the grassroots level.

Ruth Perry (46:02)
Thank you so much for all the work you’ve done to be a guide to others into this more hopeful and healthy way to live. Where is the best place for people to find you online and find your work?

Becky (46:12)
Well, it’s available to any online, most online retailers. My sub stack is, you Google Becky Garrison or Gaslighting for God. It’s my sub stack. That’s where I post a number of pieces. I also have a Facebook author page, Becky Garrison writer, and then an Instagram is Becky underscore Garrison. I’m also on LinkedIn as Becky Garrison and there’s a YouTube channel. So, but I don’t use the latter two that frequently. I’m also moving more and more towards Substack because I find out can have more substantial conversations there. The noise in Meta Universe is just not helpful and I’m not going to pay to play with Mark Zuckerberg. He does not deserve my money.

Ruth Perry (46:49)
Well thank you so much for being here today Becky. Would you like to have the last word before we sign off?

Becky (46:53)
No, well, just thank you for the work that you’re doing as well. I have not lost my optimism that first drew me to narcissistic energies. I just am now being far more discerning. I would say to them, be an optimist, but also be a discerning optimist, not a naive.

Ruth Perry (47:09)
Alright, thank you so much. God bless, Becky.

Becky (47:11)
You too, thank you so much.


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