Tag Archives: faith journey

023 I Rev. Ruth Perry Reflects on Season One Lessons & Themes

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Today marks the final episode of Season One! I am filled with gratitude to everyone who has supported me in this project, by encouraging me to do it, giving me your time to be a guest or a listener, commenting, rating, reviewing, and sharing with others! You’ve made this project meaningful and worthwhile.

I am thankful especially to Wendy McCaig, my Episode 14 guest, for returning to have a conversation with me to help me reflect on my first season of podcasting, sharing lessons learned, impactful conversations, and future plans. Today’s episode offers insights into faith, community, and the power of listening. You can find quick links to all of my episodes here: The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Pod and I encourage you to stay in touch this summer, especially on Facebook and Instagram.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
So today’s episode is going to be a little bit different. I’ve had 22 interviews now for season one and my 14th episode was with Wendy McCaig. She’s the executive director of Embrace Communities and she’s a global community catalyzer and one of her special skills is listening. And so Wendy offered to come back and ask me some questions that would help me to reflect on my first season of the podcast. And so I’m really grateful that you offered. This sounded like the perfect way for me to wrap up my first season. And so thank you for being here, Wendy, and being so generous.

Wendy McCaig (00:51)
Well, I enjoyed your podcast immensely. And the whole time you were doing them, I was like, I’m waiting till the end to ask you some of these questions, that learning, that gleaning, that what’s going to change next year. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out. So.

Ruth Perry (01:08)
Me too. I don’t know what I’m going to say to you today.

Wendy McCaig (01:11)
Well, and I think having just a very casual conversation is kind of our goal today. And to start that process of reflecting on a lot, a lot of conversations. I’ve been quite impressed. So we’ll get started kind of with I’m always curious, what stood out to people when they start a new venture. What were those things that surprised you or maybe some things that popped out to you.

Ruth Perry (01:38)
Okay, so some of the things that have really stood out to me is just how unprepared I was for what is involved in making a podcast. And the learning curve that I’ve been on. It was something that I had on my heart that I wanted to do. I don’t know where that desire came from, but it wouldn’t go away. And I kind of held onto it for a couple of years and I would mention it to people here and there thinking that they would throw a little cold water on me and help me let it go. But every time I would bring it up, someone would be really encouraging and say, yeah, I think that’s a great idea. You should do it.

And so I just happened have let go of a day job. I’m a part time pastor and I felt like I had extra time and it was now or never. So I started my podcast and every single episode I was learning something new because I was making mistakes along the way. And I think that’s been surprising is just how fun it’s been, even though I’ve been making mistakes and sometimes I feel embarrassed to put an episode out. And then I get positive feedback from people telling me that they appreciated it when I feel like so scared about putting it there. And that’s really stood out to me.

Wendy McCaig (02:45)
Yeah, I started writing on Substack this year and I had that same apprehension and then the ones I’m most afraid of are the ones that people send me the kindest notes about. It’s funny. Yeah, that’s awesome. Did any themes emerge in those 22 conversations?

Ruth Perry (03:02)
Yeah, absolutely. I listened back to the little intro episode I did. I think it was less than two minutes long. And I haven’t revisited that all season. And I think I recorded that in September. And it was exactly what my podcast ended up being, those kind of conversations.

Like my tagline, I say that this is a place for redemptive conversations about gender, justice, abuse, and healing in the Christian faith. And I’ve had conversations about women’s experiences in the church, often traumatic and harmful, and just giving those kind of stories a platform, I think, is really important. We’ve had conversations about the rise of Christian nationalism and my episode with Carlos Malave, who’s the executive director of Latino Christian National Network. That was one of those episodes where I just had the most technical difficulties and I was so upset about how it came out. But one of my favorite episodes because it was so important to talk about the injustice that our Latino neighbors are experiencing right now.

I had a lot who are scholars or enthusiasts of the Bible share about living their faith in a way that is loving your neighbor and breaking down hierarchies and supremacy ideologies in our Christian faith so that we’re honoring one another, male and female and also like cisgender and LGBTQ. Having that conversation with Bishop Sue Haupert Johnson about the United Methodist church split, I felt was really impactful. And that was one of those surprising things where halfway through the podcast, I was starting to think, this is a lot of work. I don’t know if this is sustainable. So if this is my only *season who would I want to talk to? And I sent an email and I was just really shocked that she said she would come on.

Wendy McCaig (04:49)
Yeah, you had a lot of guests and I learned something from all of them. But I know I would see someone like, how did she connect with that person? How does she know that? I assume it’s just your boldness to reach out and say, would you do this? And it is so funny how each conversation you had, you said you really enjoyed it, was fun, like that how much fun it is. And I know being on the other side, it was fun for me.

Ruth Perry (05:12)
Yeah.

Wendy McCaig (05:17)
And I think that’s the energy of every single interview that you did. You could tell there was a gratitude for having the opportunity to share this story. And I felt that in the interview with Bishop Sue, there was this deep sense of, you know, some pain, that was a part of that but also some healing to get to share from her perspective of what that felt like. And for me, as kind of an outsider on the edges of all of that, it was healing for me to know the struggle that was happening in her world. I know one of your healing in the Christian, I experienced that as a listener, as I was listening to the podcast and gaining greater understanding.

So I love that what you set out to do. You feel like you did it. I think that’s really wonderful, great insight and clarity about about your calling toward that. So as you’re sitting here at the at the end of that first season, how are you feeling about being a podcaster and doing this. Where are you right now as you take a breath?

Ruth Perry (06:29)
Yeah. Well, I’ve really wrestled with whether or not podcasting is something that I should continue doing because it is a time intense thing to do. I’ve had six guests on where I’ve read a book before I’ve interviewed them, which was actually one of my goals, because when I turned 40 and I had had a hysterectomy and I started going through menopause, I stopped reading and I’ve always been a voracious reader. And it’s been really hard for me to pick up books again. And so during this podcast experience, I started reading again, which I’m really grateful for.

But yeah, that gratitude that you spoke of, have felt that every time anyone said yes, they would talk with me. I’ve just felt so grateful to them. And I felt that they were being so generous to give their time for this brand new baby little podcast. And I was kind of expecting on Facebook, I have a large following. But I’ve been frustrated on Facebook for years now about how shallow the conversations can be or how easy it is to offend when you can’t hear tone and you can’t, you kind of jump to conclusions about where someone is coming from. And you assign hate to their perspective because it’s different from your own. And so you’re immediately defensive and I wanted to have conversations where we could disagree or we could go a little bit deeper than Facebook or some kind of like one of these one dimensional platforms allows.

And I’ve just been thrilled, even though the Facebook audience, I don’t feel like has found the podcast yet, which that was one of the surprises. I don’t think I realized that social media and podcasts are such different entities. And I thought if people valued my Facebook page, they would probably be interested in my podcast. But I think part of the problem there is the algorithm. Facebook isn’t trying to get people to click out of their platform. And so they’re burying those posts that have a link off of Facebook. So part of it has felt really vulnerable starting new and then asking someone to give their time to something.

And in my brain, I’m still dealing with that imposter syndrome of my podcast is not worthy of my guests. I guess I need to work through that a little bit, but I have been bold in asking people, just putting it out there and then being surprised every time someone said yes.

Wendy McCaig (08:46)
Well, I think it’s a beautiful gift that you give to the guest because I know you asked me questions that I had never sat down and kind of given like, here’s the last 30 years of my life in, you know, five minutes or less. So it was nice to be able to share something with others that maybe didn’t know the whole journey. So I definitely felt like it was a gift to me and I’m sure others felt the same way. And there’s something different when you’re talking to a human. like when I’m writing, there’s, it just has a different vibe than conversation. So I think that it’s a needed form of communication.

I share your frustration with social media and how to like get the machine to privilege the information that you think it should privilege as a creator. yeah, I think assume a lot of people are going to relate to that. So as you’re thinking about all these conversations, I just wonder, you know, the importance of the conversations. Why do you think it’s important to capture these dialogues and share them publicly?

Ruth Perry (10:00)
I think one of the big lessons that I’ve learned in life is the importance of listening. When I was in college, I signed up to go build a house with Habitat for Humanity, but they had so many people sign up that they split half of us off randomly and sent us on a racial reconciliation trip to Washington, DC. And so at that time, I think I was 20 years old and just didn’t recognize that I had a cultural perspective on the world that was formed by the place where I stood socially and my family and my faith community and all these factors that were a part of how I viewed things and how I interpreted the Bible and how I interpreted events. And that was a really eye-opening trip.

And the thing that everybody said, we would go and we’d meet with all kinds of different people around DC and everybody said, please listen to us. When we’d say, what can we do? Please listen to us. And so I’m 45 now. That was 25 years ago. I diversified my algorithm and I listened to a lot of people that I wouldn’t have listened to if I hadn’t had that experience. And it’s shaped me in really profound ways where I’m a profoundly different person now, I think, than if I hadn’t had that one experience for one week.

And I just feel that sharing stories is so powerful. But before that, we need to learn how to listen to each other. And that’s something that I feel like the church has really lost, where we have these really tightly controlled systems in our faith communities. And the moment that you push against one of the norms of that community, you’re ejected. They might have coffee with you, but they’re not gonna really wrestle with it with you. They’re gonna say, you’re not part of us anymore. You don’t belong here. Maybe you should go somewhere else.

And I also feel like we can’t change that unless we’re close to the cultural power brokers. And so that’s been part of my journey is like, my eyes have opened. And so I’ve sought ways to make change and transformation in the communities that I really care about. And then met with a lot of rejection and ejection and just social punishment. And so my antennas are really up now when I experience and I see that happening in real time. And so it’s like a sensitivity that I have that I don’t know that everyone necessarily has. And me 15 years ago really needed to hear a podcast like this because I was really lonely as I was trying to make sense of my faith and how it was changing from the way that I was raised in the community that I belong to.

And so part of, I think, deep down, my podcast is like, know that there’s people out there that are currently like I was 15 years ago who are feeling lonely and they need to hear these stories. And I wish the whole church would listen to them. But I know that my podcast is not gonna resonate with the majority of people. It’s gonna resonate with the people who have been wounded or have some, rising awareness about how our ideologies and our culture are shaping us in ways that are malformed and different from the ways of Jesus. And so what I wanted to do on my podcast was invite people on whose faith I think looks like Jesus or represents Jesus in some way or tells a story that I think the church needs to hear because we’re not honoring those stories. We tried to cover them up or ignore them or just banish them so that we’re not made uncomfortable. But if we really loved each other, I think we would start by listening well.

Wendy McCaig (13:29)
I love that. There’s so many kind of streams in the the energy that comes through in the interviews and when you were talking about the listening and listening to those that are not the power brokers and those that look most like Jesus are the ones that are hanging out in spaces with those that the power brokers can’t see and how to amplify and put a microphone in the hands of those that the power brokers need to hear. I think, you know, thinking through all of the different layers of impact and so I kind of I heard a lot of that, especially like you were saying like Carlos’s interviews and others. But then there’s also that personal woundedness and I think most of the interviews that I resonated with had those stories of being cast out, being not accepted, being judged or labeled.

You’ve got both those streams running through here. And then I think this other kind of overarching theme of building these bridges between people who maybe would judge one another based on, and I’m guilty, ⁓ you know, I see a particular political sign or symbol or something and I’m automatically like think I know who you are, right?

Ruth Perry (14:43)
Me too, yes.

Wendy McCaig (14:51)
Like that is such in our waters right now and something we have to fight against. And I think your way of holding space is very genuine and gives people the comfort that you really are a bridge builder kind of connection to bring those pieces together. And how important that is in our current environment and how very very rare that is and especially in our social media environments where it feels like the ruder you are the the more viral your whatever’s gonna go. So yeah I love how well you recognize why it’s important to put these conversations out there.

What is your greatest hope? Now there’s 22 conversations and they’ll live on forever, Ruth. They’ll be there forever. Like, who knows what their long-term impact will be. But if you were to kind of summarize what you hope this little first class of of messengers, what their impact will be, how would you sum that up?

Ruth Perry (16:01)
I hope that the Holy Spirit will work through these episodes to speak to the people who listen to them, to challenge them to be more like Christ and embody Christ and Christ’s ways in the world, and that we’ll have a heart and greater empathy for each other, and that we won’t lose that command over and over in the New Testament to love each other.

And that that’s how people will know that we’re Christ’s disciples is by our love for each other. I think we’re really good at loving each other in our bubbles. I mean, I have people that don’t even recognize me as a Christian because I’m not in their particular form of Christianity. And I think that’s a failure of loving each other. I think every different tradition has something beautiful in its expression of their revelation of God that they have to share with the world and in their worship styles and in the different things that they bring to their worship and to their community. I mean, it’s beautiful. And that we should recognize that in each other and love that for each other, even if that’s not the tradition that we find ourselves in. I don’t think we should be so quick to expect that they’re going to hell.

Because that makes God very small, I think. And I think God is so much bigger than we ever hoped or imagined, and that God loves the world, and that God promised that he was going to overturn the curses of the fall, and he was going to save us. And so if we’re living in that kind of hope, like I hope that this little podcast plays a part in that redeeming work and that reconciling work of bringing us closer to God and closer to each other.

Wendy McCaig (17:37)
I love that. I think it’s already doing that. But I think that’s one thing about digital media is who knows? I think it’s a beautiful part. So what lessons have you learned from this series that will impact you as you think about next year? Is there a next year?

Ruth Perry (17:45)
I’m pretty committed to doing a second season. I think I’ll play it season by season and see how it goes. And in the seasons of my own life, maybe I’ll have to pause it for a longer period of time. Maybe doing once a week was too ambitious. Maybe I should scale that back. But I really, the actual having the conversations and reading the books and making the connections that I’m making is so much fun and so life-giving to me.

It’s kind of like, what is that Eric Little quote? Like when I’m running, I feel the joy of God or something. I messed that up, but I’m feeling really joyful in the process of making the podcast. So I want to make it, sustainable for myself to continue doing that. And I’m going to have to figure that out in some ways, because I’ve probably can’t sustain what I did this first season.

Maybe season two will be 12 episodes instead of 22. I don’t know. We’ll see. I have a long list of people that I would love to talk to. And I’m already setting up episodes to record during the summer. And I know that people are going to surprise me and reach out that I like, I didn’t know Tony Neely and I didn’t know Becky Garrison and they reached out to me and I had so much fun reading their books. I’m just blown away by what resources those two books were for the church. And I just look forward to what will come through this. What was the rest of the question?

Wendy McCaig (19:22)
Just what lessons and going forward that you want to carry forward.

Ruth Perry (19:27)
I’ve lost sight of slowing down, which was a theme that kind of happened with multiple conversations that I had. Like your spiritual practices really inspired me. Dr. Reverend Lisa Corry’s practices of quietness and Bishop Sue Haupert Johnson’s spiritual practices. And I need to develop more rhythms of quiet in my life.

And so that’s one of the big takeaways for me from season one is that I need to be more intentional about spending quiet time. And then another big takeaway for me was I was really surprised listening to the interviews and just hearing people’s faith stories. How often people came to faith because of a neighbor reaching out to them and inviting them to come to church or to an event, or just praying for them and loving them.

And I think in some ways the way our culture is so, we’re all so isolated from each other. We’re not very neighborly any longer. And maybe that’s a piece why 40 million people have left the church in the last couple of decades, that we need to be more neighborly. And it is something that’s really on my heart is that when Christ called us to love God and love our neighbors as ourselves, he wasn’t talking about how can we put people in our church pews and tithing into our church plates, but how can we leave the sanctuaries and go love our neighbors with no strings attached? And so I think that’s another area that the church really needs to work on.

Wendy McCaig (20:50)
Yeah, I think that being Christ in the world part, I’m watching and I don’t know if it’s just in our current political environment, but people who and there are certain circles where the word Christian or identifying as Christian doesn’t mean what it meant 20 years ago, especially in certain circles. When you talk about the 40 million that have left the church, a lot of people I know that walk the way of Christ more than the average person are in that category.

And it goes back to some of what you said about having to argue that you’re still part of the body when the rest of the body is trying to tell you you don’t belong because you think different. I think that is an interesting thing that I’m watching is, a follower of the way of Jesus and that word that label Christian, if it has a cultural meaning that’s not helpful, holding it differently. So I don’t know. don’t want to get in trouble here on your last podcast.

Ruth Perry (22:01)
No, I think it’s good trouble, Wendy. Yeah. Well, part of my kind of way that I’ve liked to look at the world is through that kind of cultural lens. And when I went to seminary, I got my master’s in education, but my focus was on cross-cultural ministry. And so I did a lot of reading on different cultures, and I had Bob Edwards on the podcast to talk about how quickly we jump to conclusions about things, like in a very tiny fraction of a second, we’ll have already interpreted something from our cultural lens.

And I think that that’s where a lot of us as American Christians are hung up. We don’t recognize that our perspective is American Christianity. It’s not Jesus Christianity. And that there’s some things that we need to unlearn and we need renew our minds about and repent from and turn from because they represent the values of our particular social place and not the values of Jesus Christ who was, you know, brown skin, Eastern Palestinian Jew living under Roman occupation. He was a marginalized person and he treated everyone he encountered with dignity and addressed the questions that they had in the place that they were.

And we’re really bad at that now. We can’t hear people if they have a perspective different than ours, immediately cast aspersions or demonize and literally use demonic language about people who vote differently than us or think differently than us. And that’s on the church. That’s church culture. And that’s what we need to repent of and turn from.

Wendy McCaig (23:32)
Yeah, I think in the season that we’re in, in terms of the society that we live in, such an opportunity for people of faith to be that healing balm that reweaves our social fabric and doesn’t continue the cutting us apart. And that requires tremendous resistance to the urge of conforming to the patterns of this world. And as you said, you know, being willing to transform our ways of being and be so countercultural.

I worry that that 40 million people that they didn’t leave the church left them or kicked them out and how heartbreaking that would be to the Father. You know, it’s like we’re all family, we’re all one, how do we embrace that in a in a way that is kind of that light, know, shine a light that’s different than the darkness that is lurking in the corners of the algorithm that takes off on Facebook. I’m seeing more and more courageous conversations and I feel like your podcast definitely falls into that category of people just boldly saying the things that need to be said in a time where we often feel silenced or encouraged to remain silent. So thank you so much for doing that.

Just final questions or anything else that you wanted to add to the conversation?

Ruth Perry (24:53)
I’m just thinking back on some of the conversations I had with different women about their experiences in the church with patriarchal theology and how harmful that has been. And I’m just very grieved. I think if we applied the one another commands from the New Testament and we loved our sisters in Christ as we love ourselves and kind of interrogated our theology on gender and on, I mean, not just women too, LGBTQ, how they’re treated in the church.

I think our theology is really consequential and that we should be working out our salvation and we should be working really hard on what we believe. And that if we’re making God smaller than God is, and we’re not imagining that God is actively healing our neighbors and loving our neighbors and that we just assume that if they’re not like us, they’re burning in hell. So what’s the point? And the world is burning. So what’s the point of caring for God’s beautiful creation?

I think our theology really matters. And so I’m grateful my faith has grown, my view of God has expanded and my hope is just, I’m such an optimist. Like I have so much faith that God is going to heal everything. I have faith that all of my loved ones who aren’t walking with the Lord are going to be saved and that we’re going to celebrate together and we’re going to bow our knees and worship Jesus.

I live with a lot of faith and I think that that’s why I want to have these kinds of conversations because I have faith that God is doing things. And when I encounter someone, they make assumptions about me and I make assumptions about them. But having these conversations, every time I talk with someone, I’m reminded about the good news of God’s kingdom. And I’m reminded to love my neighbors better. And so if I’m the only person that is growing closer to Jesus through this process, then I’m thankful for it.

And I’m all the more grateful for the people who’ve had conversations with me. But wrapping up season one, I’m just really grateful. And I really feel like we need to get back to love because God is love. And anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. And we need to love each other. We need to love our neighbors. We need to love our enemies. And that starts with listening. That’s the bare minimum. Learn to listen to each other.

Wendy McCaig (27:15)
Well, I appreciate that invitation to think about theology and is that theology life-giving? I remember in seminary, my vision of my professors really smashing every box we tried to cram the Divine into these tiny little boxes. And I remember one of my final papers was called Smashing the God Box, just that expanding, you know, and so if your, if your theology is one that is constricting and has these boundaries that you believe that God’s grace can’t work beyond that is limiting that power that that life-giving redemptive power so I I like that you know it’s not something you generally you know at the grocery hey how you working on your theology like it’s just but it’s not that we have that opportunity to kind of go on this journey with you of people and hearing about their struggles and their opportunities. I really also appreciated the question about spiritual practices. And I think maybe you could do some outtakes of here are seven spiritual practices while you’re out on your leave or I think that invitation,

Ruth Perry (28:29)
Yeah!

Wendy McCaig (28:35)
So much of it isn’t really in our head space on our theology. It’s how are we walking it out and how are we encountering that spirit in new ways that can open up new windows into the way we see the world, the way we see our neighbors, the way we see creation. I think that would be really interesting. Not that I’m adding anything to your plate for your summer. You should just breathe and

Ruth Perry (29:00)
I’m open to any ideas and suggestions.

Wendy McCaig (29:03)
Well, Ruth, it’s been great to be able to kind of catch up with you here at the end of this season. Glad to hear there’s another one percolating and that you’re already starting to like have some episodes in your back pocket before you start will hopefully give you more peace that on those those weeks or months when life just happens you have something in your back pocket so that’s a relief to hear that you’re going to keep it going it definitely is a gift and if you figure out how to crack the algorithm challenge on Facebook please share it with the rest of us but I know those who are enjoying it make a point of finding you even when Facebook doesn’t tell us we should.

Ruth Perry (29:43)
Thank so much, Wendy.


Thank you so much for visiting The Beautiful Kingdom Builders! You can find our podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more! May God bless you this week and always.

022 I Dr. Bethany Hunter on Empowering Christians to Live a Mission-Driven Life Wherever They Are

My guest today is Dr. Bethany Hunter, the Executive Director and Treasurer of HerMission, an historic ministry that goes back to the 1870’s. Bethany is passionate about women’s and the church’s empowerment for mission work. We discussed how equipping the Church is essential for fostering a more inclusive and equitable Christian community, and that missions begins with meeting the physical needs of our neighbors before we approach their spiritual needs. We can live a life of mission and service no matter where we are! Dr. Hunter shares her personal journey from growing up as a pastor’s kid to a twenty-year long career in the education world, to her recent big shift into ministry life, and how she is balancing it all as a mom of three.

If you are in Virginia, you can connect with HerMission at ⁠onhermission.org⁠ to learn more about their ministries and get plugged into the Kingdom work they are doing! And follow them on Facebook and Instagram.

Please enjoy this episode of The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is Dr. Bethany Hunter. She is the executive director of HerMission, which is a movement of women on mission here in Virginia since 1874. HerMission’s mission is equipping the entire church to be on mission with God. And Bethany and I go back several years now. I used to work at the church that Bethany attends here locally. And not just attend, you’re leader in your church here and now you’re a leader in the state. And I’m just really excited that you’re here to talk about your mission and your ministry. Bethany, thank you for being on the podcast.

Bethany Hunter (00:48)
Yes, I am so excited to be here.

Ruth Perry (00:50)
Can you take us back just to start and tell us your testimony Bethany?

Bethany Hunter (00:55)
So I have been in the church since I was just a few days old. My dad was the minister of a church here in the small community where I live and presented me to the church when I was about a week old and have been going to church regularly since. I have always just naturally gravitated towards having a relationship with the church and with God that allows me to serve others and be a good person without necessarily passing judgment, I guess, on others. I’ve always participated in children’s and youth activities in my current church. I was ordained as a deacon, but not currently serving as a deacon with my other responsibilities.

I still do some other things at church, but I always did missions trips with my youth group and then as a college student participated in several missions trips with my campus ministry groups. And there were two occasions in my life where I had very big decisions to make and in both cases, one to transfer colleges and one to make a job change. I didn’t want to make the hard decision and did, and when I did, felt very affirmed, felt at peace, felt that I was making the choice that was gonna keep me in God’s will, but I’ve never been out of touch with the church and with my relationship with Christ, so.

Ruth Perry (02:26)
I’m also a Baptist minister’s kid, so I recognize it’s a tough job. And I think it’s really beautiful that you’ve just always stayed connected to the church because that’s not always the case with pastors’ kids.

Bethany Hunter (02:31)
It’s a tough job.

Agreed, and I think especially for women who grew up in the Baptist church that there’s a lot of variability there in their experiences, you church that I spent most of my formative years in was in Franklin, Virginia. And so I was there right before I turned three and my parents were there through my first couple of years of college and this was at a huge transition time in Baptist life and the church I was in just kind of naturally gravitated towards women in leadership and women can wear pants to church and women can be deacons and women can be ushers. And so it was never a battle in our church. And so I didn’t realize, I think at that time the larger battle that was happening outside of the church in especially in Baptist life. So I was very fortunate to be insulated from that.

Ruth Perry (03:29)
That is true. What are some of your favorite things about being Baptist? What do you about your tradition?

Bethany Hunter (03:38)
One of the Baptist pillars is the separation of church and state. And I believe very strongly in that. I think that, while our country was founded with deist ideals and the idea of being a good person, I think our country was started because people wanted freedom from state religion. And so I believe that we should continue to support freedom from state religion. And I think that not being in a church where I’m told how to vote or who to vote for, I think is very important to me. I like that ideal of Baptist life. So that’s probably one of my favorite things about being a Baptist.

Ruth Perry (04:17)
Yeah, I noticed in the HerMission materials that I looked at, they use the Frederick Buechner quote, “The place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep hunger.” So I wanted you to finish the sentence, where does the place your deep gladness, where does that meet the world’s hunger?

Bethany Hunter (04:22)
So I think that comes from our desire as an organization and just kind of our theology of mission that you can’t tell people about Christ’s love if they’re hungry or if they don’t have anywhere to shelter at night or if they have a mental illness that is untreated or uncared for. And so we want to serve the needs, the physical needs, the and mental needs of our neighbors, whoever our neighbor is. And in doing so, we then an avenue to speak blessings that we have and how Christ has loved us and how Christ loves others. But those needs have to be met first. And so that’s where our joy comes from is just serving others and seeing how that service transforms in the form of Christ’s love, I think.

Ruth Perry (05:28)
That’s beautiful. Yeah, my son Benjamin wanted me to talk to you what you did your dissertation on. said, you gotta get Dr. Hunter to talk about her dissertation because it’s fascinating.

Bethany Hunter (05:34)
It’s probably not. So my dissertation, so I at the time was teaching seventh grade social studies when I started my dissertation and this was an EDD, so a more practical degree and so we real projects for our research. And so I wanted to see how organizing students who had IEPs, 504 plans into classes affected their grades, their attendance, their state test scores. Sometimes we had a big group of special education students with a small group of regular students all in a classroom and those special education students would just group together from one class to the next. And then we started to split them up a little bit more so there were fewer of them in those classes. Sometimes they had a co-teacher, sometimes they didn’t, sometimes they were receiving outside services, sometimes they didn’t.

We just wanted to track those students over several years to see how those different styles of classes impacted their performance. Ultimately, I had a whole lot of research and my conclusions were inconclusive. Like there were too many variables, there were individual variables attendance and all of those things.

Different teachers, everything. Everything is just too, too mixed up to really come to a conclusion about one specific style of instruction. But it was very, very interesting to follow those kids and see how they performed and, you know, just to do the back research on special education and how it’s changed over time. So that was good. And it’s done.

Ruth Perry (07:25)
Yeah, so you were teacher and then a school administrator. do you carry over your experiences in the school system and in your education into your ministry now?

Bethany Hunter (07:35)
Yes, when I was considering applying for the position and I was talking to the previous executive director treasurer, she, I said, you know, my background is in education and administration. This is not, this is not my thing. She said, you wouldn’t believe. And she was right. So a lot of the organizational piece of it. Personnel management, budget management, supervising people, working on people’s evaluations, making sure everybody’s kind of doing their tasks. Those carry over. To some extent, working with people who can become escalated, like my high school students do from time to time, So having hard conversations is important. Learning to just take things as they come. Just maintain a level of calm and peace and control in any kind of situation, think is all of those things are valuable and experiences that I had worked on before I came into the organization. So I do feel good about the background that I had.

And then I’ll answer another question, things that I still feel like I need to work on. Nonprofit organization is very different from a public school organization. And so I’m still, you know, I take like online low classes to understand how nonprofits work and how you can keep them going. I’ve met with other people in nonprofits, especially on the fundraising end, because that’s definitely an area of weakness for me. And then also just in Christian leadership. And so I grew up in the church and I’m not unfamiliar with scripture, but I do a lot of speaking, preaching, and I’m not prepared for that like I want to be. And so I am actually.

I am gonna enroll in a seminary in the fall to do a brief Masters of Christian Leadership. It doesn’t require a thesis at the end. It’s a 36 credit hour program but just to give me a little bit more background in foundational theology. The ability to write my own sermons. The public speaking piece isn’t difficult. The writing the sermon piece is difficult. So I want to do that better.

Ruth Perry (09:49)
That’s really cool that you have a plan for your leadership development, huh?

Bethany Hunter (09:53)
Well, I really thought in 2017 when I got that EDDthat I was done, but apparently I wasn’t. God’s plans are not my plans.

Ruth Perry (10:01)
Well, I think about what you said about your dissertation, it seems like that really correlates well with ministry because people don’t fit into little boxes. You have to approach them on a one-person basis and it’s not convenient. It’s not uniform. It’s not fast. It requires investment and care beyond just what is the most efficient. Okay, here’s a thought that I was wondering about because the church that you’re involved in is multi-generational, but probably majority older. Since you’ve worked with all different ages, and I think that there’s some challenges between intergenerational work.

So what are some challenges that you’ve experienced working with different generations, and then what are the positive things that you see that different generations bring to church ministry?

Bethany Hunter (10:50)
So our organization particularly has a broad range, right, of people that we serve. So we recently had our Mom and Me event, which is girls K through six and their mom or mom figures. A month ago we had our Teen Girls event. In November we have our adult event, our women’s event. And so it’s amazing to see some of the differences, what those different groups expect out of worship, what those groups expect as far as just the activities that they participate in, what those groups expect out of their accommodations, you know, when we’re having those events.

I think the thing about the church where we are is, are some things that we all agree on as far as how we worship, our expectations of the past or separation of church and state, those types of things. And there are things that we don’t necessarily worry about. Being with the little girls and the youth girls keeps me young. I think it helps me stay in touch. part of, I’ve never had that kind of disconnect because I’ve been with high schoolers or middle schoolers. And even with my own children, they keep me kind of in touch with what’s going on in that generation and what they’re facing, what their challenges are.

But for our ministry, we’re just trying to do our best to serve each of those groups as they need to be served. And so figuring out what their needs are at each level is really important for us.

Ruth Perry (12:28)
Do you know how many people throughout Virginia are involved in HerMission groups?

Bethany Hunter (12:33)
No, so we don’t have an individual membership count. We have groups in churches and we have people who attend events that aren’t necessarily members. So there is a voting membership, but again, it’s not an individual membership. It’s based on church giving. And so if a church has the certain type of giving, then they are allowed to have voting members. And really, anybody in that church can be a voting member if they’re giving to our state missions offering. Consistently, we have, you know, two to 300 at and girls event. Our teen event is a little bit less, usually between 50 and 100.

Across the state of Virginia, we have about 700 churches that give to the state missions offering, but we definitely don’t have that many HerMission groups. Most of our groups are central around the Richmond area because that’s where it started. That’s where the home base is. Any church in Virginia who has a history of WMU has the opportunity to have groups. I just haven’t been connected with all of them or been invited to be at all of them just yet. Most of them around the Richmond area though.

Ruth Perry (13:51)
Yeah. Can you tell us about the formation? It was the Women’s Mission Union of Virginia, right? WMUV and then, yeah, tell us the history.

Bethany Hunter (13:59)
Sure. Right, so in the 1870s, Lottie Moon had just gone to China. And there was a group of women in the Richmond area churches who wanted to raise money to support her and her sister to find housing. because they were there on their own, they didn’t have husbands, know, they were just there because they had a heart for the people of China.

And so the women in those churches started collecting money to send to Lottie Moon through the, at the time, the Foreign Mission Board, it became the International Mission Board. And so that was kind of the first iteration of the Women’s Missionary Union of Virginia. It didn’t actually get called the Women’s Missionary Union until 1888 when it formed at a national level. And so in Virginia, it existed before it existed at the national level. So the Women’s Missionary Union is still an auxiliary of the Southern Baptist Convention at the national level. Annie Armstrong was the first executive director of the national organization. One of our Virginia titans in WMU, Alma Hunt, who we’ve named our state offering after, was an executive director at the national level as well.

And so, that organization over time exists to help people learn about missions, pray about missions, give to missions, and do missions. Those are the focuses. And that has come a long way. In many cases, churches give to the Lottie Moon Christmas offering that goes to the International Mission Board, the National North American Mission Board gets the Annie Armstrong Easter offering and then each state has their state missions offering ours is Alma hunt and that goes to us and the Baptist General Association of Virginia we we split that there’s a percentage and we split that But it’s I mean it’s a long-running program but at the state level in each state. It does look a little bit different from state to state than it does at the national level.

Ruth Perry (16:06)
So kind of rebranding as HerMission is a continuation of the same ministry of WMUV, but then it also feels kind of like a re-imagination. Would you say that’s right?

Bethany Hunter (16:09)
Sure, yes. So I was on the board of trustees as just a member at large when we decided to bring that change to the membership as a whole. And there was some resistance, of course, as there always is with change. But after 150 years, we really felt you didn’t already know what WMU was, then it was like this club that you just couldn’t be a part of. And we wanted to make it look new, make it sound new, so that we could broaden our audience and broaden it to younger people, younger women, broaden it outside of the Baptist Church.

And so that’s part of our goal is to connect with other church and parachurch groups to do missions in their communities or in a larger way, not just the WMU as it always has been. Because it will die. And we said that. When I go to WMU groups who said, well, we’re still going to call ourselves WMU, I can guarantee you that most of the ladies in that group are over the age of 65 or 70. They’re not getting new members because the new members don’t know what WMU means. So we’ve tried to rebrand that a little bit, refresh.

Ruth Perry (17:36)
Yeah, yeah, that’s good. You’ve been shaped the WMU ministries like Mission Friends and Girls in Action from a young age yourself and going to camp. Looking back, when did you first begin to sense that God was calling you into some kind of mission?

Bethany Hunter (17:44)
I have never not done missions. When I was kind of finishing up my second year at college, my parents said, you need to have a marketable degree when you finish your first four years of college. And so I didn’t know what that was going to be. I had studied medicine for a year and that was, not for me and I studied religious studies and Spanish for a year and my parents said, what are you gonna do with that? So I didn’t know.

And they suggested that go ahead and get an education degree. And when I started that, that was one of those two kind of life-changing decisions that was the right thing to do. And I told my parents, I was like, I would love to go to a foreign country to teach English. and they were supportive of that. But they also encouraged me and there are people, there are kids right here in our public education system that need someone like you to just be a good role model, to have expectations for good character, to help them learn, to help them break cycles of dropping out or drug abuse or like your mission field can be wherever you are.

And that really spoke to me. I didn’t have to go somewhere else to do missions as I always had. I could be at home and do missions or be wherever and do missions. And so I took that on very seriously and really worked in the public schools. Not to break rules, not to convert kids, not to indoctrinate kids, because I don’t believe in that, but to just be a good role model and to have expectations for kids’ character so that I could minister to them in that way without necessarily saying Jesus or God.

Ruth Perry (19:44)
I think that’s really important. I think a lot of Christians, we lose sight of caring for people. Or we spiritualize all of Jesus’ life and ministry and we miss that he was actually meeting physical needs of people and caring for people where they were. And oftentimes not evangelizing them in the way that we think or we’re told that we’re supposed to live as Christians. Yeah, I think that’s really good.

Bethany Hunter (19:53)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Ruth Perry (20:07)
So on top of being a leader, you’re also a mom of three and a wife. And you have a large family that all lives close by that you’re involved with. So how do you navigate your personal life and your calling and all the challenges of managing all of that as a woman?

Bethany Hunter (20:13)
Yes. Mm-hmm. My calendar is color-coded by child because we don’t have anyone driving yet. No, I am very intentional about the time that I spend with the people that I love. So, if it’s a week or a month, this month has been nutso. I have done a lot of traveling, but the times that I am at home and with my kids. I am at home and with my kids. I am not working or distracted by emails or phones. I really do take time to give each of my kids individual and group attention. Same for my husband. I haven’t forgotten about him either.

It’s really helpful to have a village of people. So having my sister and her husband and my mom and my in-laws close by helps when I go out of town because I know my kids are cared for and they’re gonna all get where they need to go because I’ve got a village of people that are taking care of them. It also helps that they’re a little older now and I feel like, you know, we’ve gotten through the hard, you know, really super formative young years.

I’ve got a couple of teenagers and a young preteen and so we still have lots of very important conversations about character and we still sometimes make poor decisions. you know, dad and I work through that together with the, with each child, but, I have, you know, I have a great partner and he’s very supportive of what I’m doing, which is helpful as well. But I’ve just got a good village that helps me take care of my kids. But when I’m here, I’m here and I’m all in. Yep.

Ruth Perry (22:04)
Do your kids have, did they prefer it when you were working in the school system or now in ministry?

Bethany Hunter (22:10)
No. The high schooler especially, like he had to have a year of me at school and there were, there was like a slight transition period where he’s like, where am going to put my bag? Or, you know, like can’t come to me when you need lunch money in the middle of the day, that kind of thing. But for the most part, they are all very excited for me not to be in the school system anymore because they don’t feel like they’re being watched all the time. They feel like they have a little bit of individuality and I think that’s important for them too, to have a semi-normal experience without their mom around all the time.

Ruth Perry (22:49)
I know that my kids appreciated you at the school a lot. And my daughter this year, she was like, I don’t know who I’m going to approach when I need help because I used to go see Dr. Hunter. And so I just, I do think you were a light in the school system and I appreciate what you did there. And so I want to thank you for that.

Bethany Hunter (22:53)
Aww. Thank you. Yeah, that always feels nice. Thank you.

Ruth Perry (23:11)
So you talked about how you appreciate how Hermission is involved in physical and mental health needs neighbors. Where do you see the church as being invited to grow or repent when it comes to doing justice work, especially for women and marginalized communities or those on the margins?

Bethany Hunter (23:31)
So. I think that churches have a great opportunity to stop abusing the generosity of their women without recognizing their leadership. And what I mean is when you go into a church, typically, not all the time, but typically, when there is a meal, who’s in the kitchen, when there is a nursery, who is in the nursery, when there are Sunday school classes, who’s leading the Sunday school classes, you know?

And I think that in a lot of cases, we tell women, we need you to do everything except lead the church, right? And that’s where lot of that trauma comes from for a lot of women who have either exited the church or, you know, where that all of that Baptist kind of chaos in the late 90s came from, you know, women who were done being told that they could do everything but, right? And so I think churches have a great opportunity to honor everyone’s call to leadership and service.

But women also need to feel empowered to say, I can do this, but I don’t have to do it all. And so each woman needs to say to herself like, Sure, I can bake and cook and keep the nursery and teach kids Sunday school, but I don’t have to do all of it. Maybe if I stop doing some of this, other people will step up and do some of this as well.

Ruth Perry (24:53)
Yeah, there’s a great reliance women’s labor. And then it doesn’t really make sense to exclude them from the table to have the conversations of like keeping a thumbprint on how the church is doing spiritually because women are deeply connected and involved in the spiritual leadership of the church whether they’re given any voice or not.

Bethany Hunter (24:56)
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think churches are, there are churches that are moving beyond that. But they still seem few and far between. And so, I love to see more of that where women have a seat at the table. This past Friday, we had our Virginia Baptist Women in Ministry feast where women in church leadership are able to get together and talk about what it is to be a church leader. And that group actually meets online once a month to either chat or have a specific informational session about different things. But it’s a great networking opportunity for women who are in leadership to be able to lean on one another.

Ruth Perry (25:58)
It does seem like even with the rise tradwives online and more of a conservative resurgence once again, that women are kind of like if we’re using our gifts and our callings, it seems like there’s a harsher criticism right now than maybe there has been even in recent years. And so I’m just curious about like, how do we overcome that for younger women who have gifts and callings, but they maybe don’t feel the comfort of stepping into that because of the influence of biblical womanhood conversations and the ideas of male headship and there’s a lot of conversations now about feminine energy that we’re supposed to be in our feminine energy. And I think that that’s really interesting.

Bethany Hunter (26:48)
Yeah, you know, my dad used to use a term and I know that this is a church pastor term. He doesn’t like sheep stealers. He doesn’t like when pastors are intentionally going to other church members and trying to get them to come into their church. And so I don’t think that that is the answer. I don’t think that women going into other churches and like creating these subversive secret groups to work with women.

I think it’s just having opportunities for women from different churches to get together and talk with one another because I think those types of events open up conversations about all things ministry, all things service, all things leadership. And I think those conversations happen naturally. That’s one of the beauties of our organization, HerMission, is that we have a very broad spectrum of women and their backgrounds in our organization. And so when they do come together, there is a little bit of that discussion. You know, nobody wants to just like come out right and say, you’re right, you’re wrong, which is good. It’s beautiful. Everybody’s very careful about respect, but those conversations do happen. And I think that that gives, I think that gives a lot of opportunity for women who might not even realize what they are in to be able to think more broadly about women’s role in the church and in the kingdom really.

Ruth Perry (28:24)
So what gives you hope about the church and its future in mission work?

Bethany Hunter (28:28)
That it’s still happening, that there are churches and in a lot of cases churches are doing so much mission work even outside of HerMission or any other real structure churches are going into their communities they are they have food pantries they have clothing closets they are organizing hot meals I think that that gives me hope that people want to serve one another. And so as long as I think people have a heart for their neighbor and that Christ’s love is ruling their heart, that the church has hope for the future.

Ruth Perry (29:12)
Do you have any spiritual practices or hobbies or things that fill your cup for you in ministry so you can pour out?

Bethany Hunter (29:20)
That’s a great question. Spiritual practices. I do read my Bible every day. I have a one-year Bible that, you know, breaks up the scripture into old and new and Proverbs and Psalms. And I enjoy keeping up with that. It actually has word art in it so I can color a little bit in addition to my reading, which seems wasteful, it was relaxing. I really like it. I read a lot. enjoy reading. I enjoy being outside. Being outside just in general fills my cup. Going for a walk with the dogs, being outside with the kids, those types of things fill my cup. But that’s pretty much all I have time for.

Ruth Perry (30:00)
So where could people find out more about Hermission and get involved?

Bethany Hunter (30:05)
Yes, so we have we are on Facebook and Instagram at join HerMission and we’re on the internet onHerMissiondotorg and all of those places will have information. There’s an opportunity to sign up for we do a bi-monthly digital newsletter and there’s an opportunity there to sign up for that just to find out about the ministries that we’re doing, the resources that we have, and the events that we have. We would love for anybody who isn’t necessarily in a church or in a Baptist church, it’s still, there are so many ways to get involved without being in the organization, so to speak, officially, or get started, get a permission group started in your local community. There’s ways to do that without being in a church or a Baptist church.

Ruth Perry (30:53)
And it’s not just for women and girls too. You have a program for men and boys, right?

Bethany Hunter (30:57)
Correct. We do have a men and boys, his mission. Primarily that’s stemmed from the Royal Ambassadors curriculum for young men, but we do have also a men and boys retreat that we do in the fall. And so that’s an opportunity for men and their sons to get involved with just growing into great Christian young men.

Ruth Perry (31:23)
Well, thank you so much for being on the Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast today, Bethany. And thank you for being a part of building God’s kingdom and being on mission for God. I think it’s so important that we not just be a part of a church, but we also understand that we’re the priesthood of all believers and that we’re all called and sent by God to follow in the example of Jesus and that we need to love God. And we also need to love our neighbors as ourselves and that that involves more than thoughts and prayers. It involves boots on the ground, boots on the ground.

Bethany Hunter (31:52)
Absolutely. Absolutely. No, Ruth, thank you so, so much for the opportunity. I’ve really enjoyed being here with you and talking with you.

Ruth Perry (32:01)
Well, God bless you as you continue leading and also start a seminary degree on top of that. That’s going to be a lot. So I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much. God bless.

Bethany Hunter (32:07)
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it.


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012 I Lisa Wells on a Journey From Heartache to Healing

My guest this week is my friend and former pastor, Lisa Wells! In this beautiful and vulnerable conversation, we explored Lisa’s journey through ministry, the challenges she faced, and her growth as a leader. We discussed the impact of complementarianism in her life, the importance of community, and the healing that comes from navigating difficult experiences. Lisa shares how Ignatian Spirituality and contemplative imagination played a particularly powerful role in her healing journey. It was a painful season that led Lisa to coaching herself and she has a passion for serving women now in their healing journeys. Stay to the end to hear what Lisa has recently learned in her doctorate program about the unique stressors of pastors’ wives and women in ministry. If you’re in that boat and struggling, it is no wonder.

Lisa is a very gifted and wise coach (I can personally attest to this as a recipient of her holy listening and prodding). You can request a free call with Lisa to explore coaching for yourself on her website: lisawellscoaching.com
Lisa also provides options for group coaching, “married in ministry” support, and group contemplative practice.

In our conversation, I mention this article: Stages of Faith–A Map for the Spiritual Journey as a helpful resource for those who have hit a spiritual “wall” and are in a stage of falling apart, doubting, questioning, sinking, etc. This stage is precipitated by a crisis and is very painful, and unfortunately, most churches are not safe or equipped to meet people in this stage of their faith, which adds to the pain and isolation of this experience.

You can listen to our conversation on The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon Music, or more! If you find our conversation helpful, please share it with a friend, rate and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode!

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
I am so delighted to have my very dear friend Lisa Wells on the podcast today. Welcome, Lisa.

Lisa (00:23)
Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.

Ruth Perry (00:25)
Lisa was one of my pastors, for five or six years in Maine, and a close friend and now she’s my coach. And so I’m just really excited to talk with you today about your faith journey, about your walk with the Lord and the different seasons of ministry that you’ve been in, what it’s like to be a person in ministry as a woman.

The different expectations and obstacles and hardships you faced because of that. And then also just the good things that the Lord has done in your life through your ministry. And so let’s just dive in first going back about little Lisa. Where do you come from, Lisa? What has your journey with the Lord been like in those formative years?

Lisa (01:08)
Yeah, thank you. I’m so glad to be here and I’m so proud of you launching this podcast. Thank you so much for the invite. What a treat. So little Lisa, you know, the truth is I’m still getting to know her and still befriending her, but kind of some facts about her journey. I was born into a home that my mom was Catholic, but not really practicing. My dad was agnostic.

And so I was baptized Catholic, but my parents didn’t go to church for the first year of my life, didn’t really have an active faith. And then they moved and the house they moved into, their neighbors had been praying for them before they moved in, had been mowing their lawn and taking care of their yard. And so they just went over to say thank you when they moved in and that began a relationship. And that’s when both my parents came to what they call like their personal faith decision.

So from one years old on, I was raised in a family that really prioritized faith. And we were at church every time the doors were open. I went to a Christian school. I really said my first yes to Jesus around the age of four after coming home from Sunday school. just being in Christian school and being in church every time the doors were open, I had a lot of opportunity to learn about the person of Jesus, and I always felt drawn to him, always. I loved hearing his word expounded. I loved being in spaces where he was being worshiped and talked about.

And all of those environments were complementarian. And so my initial kind of understanding of what faith in Jesus is about was pretty gendered. And I was just aware as a young one that there were roles and opportunities that were available to me and there were roles and opportunities that weren’t available to me. As we moved from Rochester, New York to Columbus, Ohio when I was in middle school, that was kind of a hard transition. Middle school is a hard time to start over socially and in a new community that was tricky, but they had a youth group that was really important for me.

I ended up feeling really connected and called there and my first ministry role was the intern. I became a youth ministry intern and I just loved getting like this up close and personal vision and view of the nuts and bolts of daily ministry was really fun for me. I’m so grateful to my youth pastor and his wife for creating that role and allowing me to fill it. And I have these memories during high school, again, Christian high school, where I would have these study hall periods and I was doing word studies in scripture. I bought this Bible that had a Hebrew and Greek lexicon, it was giant. It was way too big. But I just felt so excited to dig in and really understand the word and explore it for myself.

I remember my first awareness of my calling into ministry happened at a church service and I was sitting in the auditorium and I could see my youth pastor and his wife, they were talking to somebody, they were close enough that I could really see the conversation unfold, but not close enough that I could hear anything. And I watched as my youth pastor’s wife really was probably the most animated in that conversation and was, just reaching out to this person and really being a pastoral presence to them. And I remember looking at her and thinking, that’s what I want to do. And I think I had that recognition because that was the most pastoral, interaction that I had seen from a female and it just felt like, okay, there is a path to utilize pastoral gifts. It just happens to be by being married to a pastor. So I made that decision then that I was gonna try to pursue ministry through being married to somebody in ministry.

After I graduated high school, I wanted to kind of spread my wings a little bit, try a different church community. And I had a friend from high school who was going to a church plant in Columbus. And he invited me along. And that’s where I met my husband who was currently working as a pastor. I didn’t target him, though one might think I would.

It’s like, hey, there’s my opportunity. But, you know, we just, started a friendship and as things unfolded, you know, really got excited about being in a relationship together and got married. Unfortunately, that church was not very healthy. So we had to extract ourselves from that situation very early into our marriage. And we ended up.

a little bit north where my husband was going to seminary anyway. And that’s where I started kind of my academic journey. Ended up going to undergrad at the same school where he was doing seminary and studied religion and philosophy and absolutely loved that. And at that point all of my ministry involvement was volunteer or it was alongside things that he had been doing. But the more I had experiences in those environments, the more I thought, okay, yes, ministry is what I want to do.

We had the opportunity to go more of an academic route. Dan, for a while, was thinking about getting a PhD, and I thought about furthering my education in that same direction, but neither one of us felt drawn to the academy the same way we felt drawn to the church. So we ended up getting involved in several church plants in Ohio and loved being a part of church communities from the ground up. What a gift that is to really kind of, build things and see what unfolds from that.

So we had the opportunity to become church planters and I remember being very affirmed when we did a very intense four-day interview that involved a lot of personality inventories and profiling and that kind of thing. And I remember learning that I had the most common Myers-Briggs personality type as what most pastors have. And I felt like, okay, like maybe.

There’s something to this that isn’t just the sidekick, right? E.N.F.J. Yeah, yeah, what’s yours?

Ruth Perry (07:31)
What is your Myers-Briggs?

cool!

I’m an INFP and Logan is the exact opposite. He is an ESTJ. What is Dan? Do you remember? Yeah. So between Logan and I, we got it all covered,

Lisa (07:41)
Okay.

He’s an INFP. He’s an INFP too. Yeah. Yeah. That’s so funny.

I love it. Yeah. So that was so affirming and you know, that’s what started our church planting journey is going through that assessment process and being confirmed to church plant, at which point we moved to Maine and that’s where I met you. rest is history.

Ruth Perry (08:09)
That’s right. That’s right. I’m kind of curious to know. I feel like my parents were first generation. Well, actually, they had both gone to church, but they became born-again Christians as and they had that fire of the Lord in them. And I kind of wonder if that’s where I got my love for the church that I hear in your story too, as a very young person. Do you think having
new to the faith parents influenced your love for the church in that way.

Lisa (08:39)
It probably did. That’s such a great lens on it. I’ve never thought of it that way. But yeah, they weren’t nominal. They really loved the Lord and loved being with people who loved the Lord. And yeah, there’s something to that.

I’m thinking of a Donald Miller quote in his book, Blue Like Jazz. He describes watching a jazz musician play jazz piece on the street. And this person’s just their eyes are closed and they’re so one with the music and up until that point I guess Donald Miller didn’t like jazz he said sometimes have to watch somebody love something in order to learn how to love it yourself There’s something to that.

Ruth Perry (09:24)
I’m also thinking about you seeing that pastor’s wife ministering and that that was how you came to imagine yourself in ministry. And for me, I grew up in the church and loved the church with the same kind of fervor that you did as a child and always imagined myself serving God in some capacity, but I had only seen women as missionaries or as And so I went to college to be a musician.

Lisa (09:49)
Wow, yes.

Ruth Perry (09:50)
And you, you’re a musician, you have that jack of all trades in your ministry toolbox. I feel like women are asked to do so much in the church that we wide set of skills that serve the church really well.

And then I’m thinking about how you seem like someone who does everything with excellence. Like that’s a core value to you. Is that true, Lisa?

Lisa (10:14)
That is so interesting, Ruth, because I have had such a journey in the last handful of years, probably five years, with allowing myself to be less excellent. There is something, wow, really tricky about excellence because it can become an end in itself, right, trying to seek that. And it can become idolatrous, I think, you know, where it becomes yeah, maybe not just an end in itself, but a means for like self-glorification and needing to be approved, needing to be affirmed.

And there’s something so just deliciously delightful about giving oneself the permission to be flawed, to be okay, something without being excellent at it. Yeah, I think excellence drove me for a my ministry life and it’s been sweet for the last five years to find a softer way. Excellence can be really a harsh master and a demanding master to kind of just soften into the reality that I’m limited, I’m flawed has been such a gift.

Ruth Perry (11:31)
And as a woman in a complementarian denomination, the excellence piece, I think, comes from wanting to be taken seriously and be valued and accepted for your gifts and the value that your gifts have to the building up of the church. And it’s not inherently there. And so the striving for perfection is one of those costs that we pay for being in a patriarchal system.

So we need to learn to have grace and to undo that piece. But it has probably also served you well.

Lisa (12:03)
It has, it has, right, like most things, upside and a downside. Yeah.

Ruth Perry (12:08)
So when I met you, we had gone through a lot of church hurt and we were living in Boothbay, Maine. And the church that you and Dan planted was in Topsham, Maine called North Harbor Community Church. But we met at an ecumenical Bible study first. A friend of mine, Melissa, brought me to Collette Pekar’s Bible study at the Seventh Day Adventist Church in Brunswick.

And you were participating in it so I got to know you as a peer and as a friend before I started attending your church. And coming from a pastor’s family myself I’ve always had more of a peer perspective on pastors and pastor’s wives and pastor’s families and understood that they’re not a commodity. They’re human beings.

Lisa (12:53)
Yes.

Ruth Perry (12:54)
I’m kind of curious about when you came and you started church planting and you probably had a lot of high expectations for what God was going to do through you and through your family. What was the honeymoon period like? Let’s start there.

Lisa (13:01)
Before the crash and burn? Yes. Let’s start at the honeymoon period. Yeah. The honeymoon phase. It’s interesting. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how God utilizes even our weaknesses, right? To help us and help others. It’s just a miracle how he weaves such goodness out of all things.

The honeymoon period I think for church planting, at least for me as a church planter, really had a lot to do with I held myself in really high esteem and I thought you know the thing that Maine hasn’t seen yet is Dan and Lisa Wells. Like that’s what Maine needs you know is Dan and Lisa in ministry.

And I look back on that and I think, honey, there was just a lot of hubris. And I think to a certain extent, when you’re starting something, anything entrepreneurial, right? Not to say that church is a business, but that spirit of starting something from scratch, there does need to be a high level of belief in yourself, in the outcome you’re going for.

You know, we, had been through that assessment. And so we had the backing of a denomination. This wasn’t just us, making up that we were ready to do this. Others had affirmed that for us as well. And so that honeymoon period really is just marked by that high belief of God’s doing something and we’re going to go there and join God in whatever God is doing.

And so, I look back on that time fondly, almost like the early parenting stages, when there’s just, you don’t know what you don’t know, but because of that, all is good. I do look back on it fondly and, the connections that I made. I don’t know how North Harbor drew the people that it drew, but we had such an incredible group of people whose roots ran deep with the Lord. They were open to true community with each other. They were okay with being inventive of like, all right, let’s try church a little differently. What might that be like? And so it was just a lot of fun to serve with people like that.

That’s right about the time when I was discovering, too, my excitement for kids ministry, which is so funny also because, I told the Lord in my heart, OK, I’ll do this. I’ll church plant. I’ll go serve in ministry alongside my husband. But, don’t have me in these stereotypical pastor’s wives roles. I’m not going to learn how to play the organ. I’m not going to be in kids ministry and come to find out.

I really, really got passionate and excited about kids ministry and youth ministry. That’s something that kind of marked the beginning of that journey too, is just this awareness and understanding that our kids are the church as well. They’re not our future church, they’re our present church and their experiences matter, their faith journeys matter. And so how to show up to them and minister to them as if that’s true, because it is was all part of that journey for me too.

Ruth Perry (16:10)
Well, as a family that was drawn to North Harbor, I’ll tell you that the kids ministry was a big piece of that because we had already seen a lot of unhealthy church environments and really wanted a safe place where my kids would learn a orthodox, beautiful picture of Jesus Christ. And your passion made the ministry at North Harbor superb. And also I love to see how everybody banded together to serve in kids ministry. You had so many volunteers and everybody was taking their ministry really seriously because you trained them really well.

Lisa (16:43)
Yes.

Ruth Perry (16:48)
To be in service at North Harbor. You did safety training. You did like a vision for what ministry to children is all about. And you taught theology to your volunteers. And so everything was well organized and missional and built for impact. And it has impacted my children. All of my children had that foundation. And I’m just really grateful to you, Lisa, for all that you poured into kids ministry at North Harbor, thank you so much.

Lisa (17:16)
Wow, thank you so much Ruth. I mean, one person can’t do it, right? I can share the vision, I can rally the troops, but if people aren’t willing to use their actual time, their actual bodies, their actual resources to do the work, it can’t be done. So yeah, I was blown away with how many people said yes to being on the inside of that journey. It was a beautiful time.

Ruth Perry (17:40)
And that team spirit wasn’t just in kids ministry, it was also in had rotating worship teams, you had different people preaching. It wasn’t just Dan up there all the time. I loved it when you preached, Lisa, you were always excellent. And I just loved hearing all the different voices and all the different people participating together. And then they had the technical team was just excellent in managing. You had to set up a church in a school building every Sunday and tear it down and leave everything in perfect spotless condition all the time. And you had just created this well-oiled machine that worked together to glorify the Lord and it was really beautiful. And so all the little pieces of North Harbor, it was really attractive for us as a young family, even as a family with a lot of church hurt.

It did feel like a safe place and a really diverse place that celebrated people’s gifts and gave people a place to contribute to the work of the church. It was unique. It was really cool. And so I’m just really grateful that we got to be a part of North Harbor for a while. We were there, five or six years before we moved here to Virginia. And I was heartbroken to leave. That was really painful because I felt like your family, all the other families at North Harbor, they were like family to me when we left. And so that was a pretty big grief to leave North Harbor.

Lisa (19:03)
Yeah, that was a hard goodbye. Thank you for saying all of that. It’s beautiful to experience something you love through the eyes of someone else, you know? So yeah, thank you for that little trip down memory lane.

Ruth Perry (19:20)
I do want to talk to you more for the Beautiful Kingdom Builders audience. I think a lot of people come to my page because they are women coming from complementarian backgrounds and they’re trying to find the freedom to use their gifts in the church and to fulfill their callings that God has given to them. And so I do want to hear more from you about your experience as a woman in ministry as you’re deconstructing your complementarian background. Tell me more about how you’ve grown in that area, Lisa.

Lisa (19:49)
Yeah, think, I mean, I was very staunchly complementarian for quite a long time. I, when I had a reorientation to faith as an older teenager, I had the opportunity to be baptized by a mentor of mine who’s female and I requested not to be. I thought that it would be better to be baptized by the male pastor. And I look back on that now with grief. know,

It’s so common that we end up repeating the patterns that we were given as kids until we look at them in a more thoughtful way. so, yeah, I think honestly, getting married to my husband, who is an egalitarian, was a big part of what started to open my eyes, which is so ironic, right? Because I was inhabiting this role as married to a pastor in a way that was limiting to me at first, and it ended up being the very thing that broke those limits.

And then also study, I ended up going on to John Carroll University in Cleveland and getting a Master of Arts in Religious Studies, and now I’m enrolled in a doctoral program at Gordon-Conwell in spiritual formation for ministry leaders. The more I read, the more I look at the witness of scripture, it’s just very clear that there has always been. It’s not a recent addition. Since the beginning of the human family, since the beginning of the church, there has always been a very clear invitation to women to use their gifts just like there is to men.

And I have been personally so impacted by the stories in the gospels of Jesus interacting with women. A couple of the ones that kind of rise to the top for me are the story of Mary and Martha. I have such a heart for Martha. She, in John 11, has a statement of faith that is right up there with the declaration of Peter in sharing the identity of Christ, right? You are the Messiah. And I’ve heard so many sermons over my life on Jesus’s declaration to Peter that on this rock I will build my church, right? When Peter says that Jesus is the Messiah.

But I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon on Martha’s declaration. And it’s the same, essentially, right? She’s saying you’re the Messiah. You’re the one who is to come. so, yeah, I just have such a heart for her, especially with the Luke passage and how she’s been tsk, tsked into, a better homemaker, a hospitality provider kind of role. And there’s just so much more going on in that passage than people have sometimes given her credit for. So I love that interaction. I also have been deeply impacted, especially in the last handful of years, by the Jairus passage that is sandwiching the woman with the hemorrhage.

Goodness, as someone who has three girls who have struggled, and that’s been part of my journey too. It’s been a really impactful part of my journey actually. I really have been so ministered to by Jairus’ faith and the faith of his wife. By the way that Jesus prevents the crowds from witnessing the little girl’s healing, right? It’s just Jairus, his wife and his three disciples that get to see that. Such a affirmation from Jesus that sometimes even in a religious leaders family there are certain things that are only need to know. And even if you’re living in a fishbowl in ministry Jesus sees all the hidden, all the inner, all of the stuff that feels too tender and too painful, he sees that and he’s willing to heal in private if that’s what we need.

And he’s willing to not heal in private if that’s what we need. think about the woman with the hemorrhage and how right in the middle of the Jairus story, she interrupts their journey and he’s willing to be interrupted and not only to allow power to go out from him to heal her, but he essentially hands her a microphone and he refuses to let her just slink away into the dark corners where she must have been living for the last 12 years. And she gets to say the why and the how of her healing.

So stories like that have been really powerful for me in appreciating that Jesus didn’t just invite women tangentially to be a part of the team. He saw them in their individual humanity and gave them an opportunity to be the fullest version of who they are. And that’s the work that I get to do now as a coach, which is such a gift.

Ruth Perry (24:39)
Before we talk about your coaching, I don’t know what you want to share about how you and Dan came to leave North Harbor after, how many years was it that you were in ministry at North Harbor?

Lisa (24:50)
It was 18 years.

Ruth Perry (24:52)
After 18 years. We moved away in 2017 and so far I’ve been able to get back to Maine once a year to see my family that’s there. And I went to worship one time when North Harbor was outside during COVID And I went to North Harbor when they were in a little church in Topsham. So I’ve kind of got to see North Harbor now and then and hearing from you and Dan that you struggling. I don’t know what you want to share on a public podcast, but whatever you want to share about how you and Dan ended up coming to leave North Harbor.

Lisa (25:30)
Thank you, Ruth. Yeah, it is still a story that I hold close to my heart and my chest because it involves my kids, right? But I can share just in general terms. They’ve given me permission to do that. So COVID, I mean, being a church leader through COVID was really, really hard. We were meeting in a school, so that was obviously not available to us. Even when people kind of went back to public services, masked and that kind of thing, like we were just not allowed back into the space, which makes total sense and was challenging. So we were online for a while, and then as you said, we met outside for a whole summer, which was really beautiful and kind of a wonderful way to have a sense of place as a church in Maine, you know, to meet on a beach. So that was really cool. And then, yeah, we found a temporary spot and then from there ended up moving into a lease of a smaller building. But that was just it was a lot of transition.

We ended up we had a staffing change that wasn’t very popular right in the early stages of COVID. And that was really hard. We had some people leave over that. But I think what was most challenging is the family dynamics that we were navigating at home. Having kids that were teens in the heart of COVID was really challenging. They were facing a lot of struggles that we were not honestly very prepared as parents to help them through.

Additionally, the way that Dan and I were handling the stress of the struggles at home, along with the stress at church with all these transitions and, you know, staffing changes and location changes and all the financial changes that happen when, you know, people leave. It was really, really hard and we did not have a very well developed tool belt for how to handle that stress and so my MO was to just try to get tighter with control and push everything through and we’re gonna make it and it’s gonna be okay and sometimes when there’s too much of a pushing and tightness, this desire to rein in the control, it can really backfire. And for sure, I can appreciate how it did not help the dynamics at home.

So yeah, we just got to a place where it was like crisis after crisis after crisis and we felt like we were at the end of our natural reserves and we needed to really shut everything else down except for what was most important, kind of like our bodies do, when we’re triaging some critical injury, It’s like all the non-essential things just get let go and it’s the survival that gets prioritized.

And so, Dan’s decision to resign really was that. It was the decision that our kids needed to come first, our own mental health needed to come first. Like many seasons of suffering, it illuminates how there are, certain things that were never really working well, but because situations were, a little lighter or, circumstances were less chaotic, those things didn’t come to light, right?

But once we right in the heart of this real life or death struggle for our family, all of our maladaptive coping skills just came right to the surface. And so, yeah, there were just a lot of things that we needed to work on that being in ministry while working on those would not have been fair to the people we were serving, certainly not to our kids and definitely not to ourselves and the Lord.

So, divesting ourselves from that role, right, of being in ministry leadership, definitely for Dan, because at that point he was the paid staff member. I was not in a paid staff role at that time, but still was very involved, in the ministry of the church. So stepping away from that was really, really hard, really, really hard. I think part of it was the identity crisis that it precipitated, because, when you see yourself in a role, that is aligned with your employment and then that employment is no longer there. It’s like, well, who am I? Am I still this person who’s been called to ministry?

I think another thing that made it really challenging is when you’re a person in ministry and you need to leave your church for any reason, those people are not just the people you’re serving professionally. Your parishioners often become your dear friends. And to extract myself from the very relationships that I needed at that point for support and love and care, that was really challenging. I felt like in the middle of it, I lost my family. And I’m sure they felt a sense of loss too and probably lose family in the middle of everything.

So just hurt, a lot of hurt and some of it was for sure unavoidable, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walk through, right? And then for our kids, grieving the loss of a church family for them.

Yeah, there was so much hard about that season. I remember being incredibly angry, with God because I felt like I had this narrative in my head, which is such bad theology, but it’s just what I was living with in the in the back of my mind, this narrative in my head that if I was faithful, that my family would be OK. And I was living in the middle of a family that was not okay, in a major way.

And I felt so disoriented by that, so angry at the Lord because it felt like, here we moved to Maine to start this church and it was, a sacrificial journey in some ways. In other ways, it was, really filling our cup more than emptying it. But when I looked back and I thought, if this ends up costing me my family? It felt so tenuous. Everything felt like it was falling apart. And the deep anguish that comes from not only not being at home with your church family, but not being at home in the same way with your biological family.

And then to add on that, not feeling at home in this identity and this faith that I had built for decades, not knowing is God even good? It was really, really hard and yeah, kind of a dark night.

Ruth Perry (32:22)
I’m so sorry, Lisa. That’s so heavy. And I think people even who haven’t been in ministry, I think that’s a relatable experience. It sounds like you hit a wall. And there’s this article that describes the book, The Critical Journey. And I send it to people whenever they’re like, I’m in this really dark spot. What can I do?

It’s a summary of the book, The Critical Journey, and it just describes what that wall experience is like. I’ve read that like 80 % of Christian churches are made up of people who haven’t gotten to that stage in their faith yet. And so their faith is still just very clear. hasn’t really been tested. And so when people do come to that wall experience, is so disorienting and painful and everything goes black or just gets really foggy and you just, you don’t know which way to go.

And the church doesn’t know how to respond to people in that situation. And so people do just leave. Maybe you could help us out with a little bit of insight into how your family got out of that. What was the process past that experience, Lisa?

Lisa (33:29)
That’s such a good question. Thank you for that. And thank you for naming what I think a lot of us experience in church circles, which is that there’s really good intent there, but there’s not always safety. And so for us to be able to hold this experience that, I want this to be the safest place, right?

But the version of me before all of this real struggle and trial was just not able to be present with other people’s suffering the same way. And so, yeah, I don’t hold that against anyone, but it’s just, it’s just true. Yeah, thank you for naming that.

Okay, how did we make it through? Still happening. There’s so much that is just, I don’t even know the word Ruth, I feel like relief, so much relief on this side of those events, but for sure the healing is still occurring. So I’ll kind of point to a couple of things that were key in the beginning and then maybe we can talk about how those are still unfolding for me.

In the very year that we walked away from professional ministry at the church we had planted, I signed up for certification through my coaches program. So I had found Dr. Edie Wadsworth with Life Mentoring School. She’s out of Tennessee and her program had been really helpful to me for learning tools that I didn’t know I didn’t know. Really important kind of basic human flourishing things that I just never learned. Things like how to manage my thoughts.

Scripture talks about this, right, about meditating and what is true and what is noble and what is good. It talks about renewing our minds, taking thoughts captive. But I loved all those scriptures, but I don’t think I understood the how of how to do that. And so, mindset management was a huge blessing to me when I started learning how to not just accept and go along with every thought that popped into my head, right?

And then also alongside that, and this was probably even more powerful for me, is learning emotional regulation and emotional processing tools. These are things that now we teach our kindergartners in public school systems with different kinds of emotional regulation, emotional processing curricula, but I never had that right and so I I didn’t know how to really be with my own emotions what I had learned from the church was how to not trust my emotions because they’re fickle and really, I needed to trust the facts, right?

So it was all about like replacing a lie with truth, which for sure truth is important. But what I never knew before I started this coaching journey is that our feelings do tell the truth. It’s what they tell the truth about. That’s what people sometimes are looking to them to tell the truth about circumstances. They don’t tell the truth about circumstances, but they do tell the truth about what we believe, about how we are experiencing something.

And so to be able to learn how to sit with anger, to learn how to sit with grief, and to befriend it actually, not to push it or control it or resist it. So that was really powerful. And then there were some other action taking tools that were also powerful from that coaching program. So I was just like, I need more of this. So I signed up to become certified and in certification, it was a deeper dive into all of those skills.

And so that came in clutch when I to walk out my faith and live with integrity as everything around me was burning. Being able to talk to myself with compassion, being able to sit with the rage and the despair, those were priceless skills. So that was one way that I was able to support myself that ended up blessing my family as well, going through that certification program and becoming a coach.

And then also, at the same time, I signed up for a program called A Retreat at Home through the Ignatian Spirituality Partnership of Maine. So I mentioned that I had gone to grad school in Cleveland at a school called John Carroll. That is a Jesuit school. That is where back in the early 2000s, I was first introduced to Ignatian spirituality. And I did my first eight-day silent retreat and was hooked.

Ignatian spirituality emphasizes something called imaginative contemplation of scripture. Which is where we use our imaginations to experience the person of Christ in Scripture. And it’s interesting, even though I knew Scripture really well coming from a very churched and Christian school background, I found that I was much more acquainted with Paul than I was with Jesus.

And in that time at John Carroll, I spent more time in the Gospels than I had ever spent before. I mean, just falling in love with the Jesus that is presented there. mean, what’s not to love? The power, the compassion, the speaking truth to power, all of that, I was gobsmacked by it.

And so this practice of imaginative contemplation where I was imagining these Gospel encounters that Jesus has. And I was, you know, either a character in the story in my imagination, or I was an unnamed character, or I was hovering over everything in a narrator perspective. But it gave me personal encounters with Jesus that I had never had up until that point in my more evangelical approach to scripture, which is for me anyway was more focused on study, which I still love and think is amazing and have wonderful experience with too. But this was just, it was involving my emotions. It was involving my imagination. It was involving this other part of my

And so doing that retreat at home and having daily experiences of imaginative contemplation was really important. When families are struggling, and parents are just playing whack-a-mole with crises, it’s just so critical that we are being poured into, that we are receiving in some way. And this practice of coming to Jesus broken, angry, bitter, all the things and just letting Him love me through what transpired in that practice of imaginative contemplation is life-changing.

I had a couple of experiences in particular, one that kind of really rises to the top, that Jesus just really served me and loved me in my hour of greatest need. So there is John 1 where just past the passage that everyone’s familiar with about “In the beginning was the Word and the Word is with God.” Right after that, Jesus calls his disciples. And there’s this interaction between Jesus and a couple of John the Baptist’s disciples. Because John points Jesus out, this is the one that I’ve been telling you about, the one who’s sandals I’m not worthy to untie, and they get curious and follow him as Jesus is going on his way and he turns around and he asks them, what do you want?

That’s amazing. Like just to let that question stand on its own and to ask it of myself as if Jesus were asking it of me. What do I want? And that was so powerful to sit with that and also to imagine it and imagine them answering it, right? And they do, they answer it and they say, we want to see where you’re staying. Where are you staying? And he says, come and see.

And in my imagination, it didn’t stop there. I was like, well, where would he have led them after that? So I’m picturing this whole thing unfold. And our imaginations are not Scripture. This is not divinely inspired in the same way that Scripture is. However, it was so personally meaningful to me because as I followed Jesus to where he was going and where he invited me to come and see.

He took me to this janky 70s apartment building where he was living on the bottom floor in this little apartment. And I followed him in and he gestured for me to sit down at this kitchen table. And he went, this is all wordless now. He went to the kitchenette and he started cooking. And I just sat at that kitchen table and he was cooking and I could start to smell what was being cooked. It smelled so delicious. And I kind of just felt myself like melt back into the chair. And then when the food was ready, he brought it over and he served me and he just sat with me while I ate.

And I just lost it when I told my spiritual director about that encounter. Because at that time it was at the height of everything going wrong. My kids seemed like we couldn’t go four days without some sort of major crisis scenario. And I was trying to buckle down and control. Dan was as well. We were both not our best selves, not our best parenting selves. And we were so exhausted.

And for Jesus to cook for me in the middle of that when I felt like everybody needed something from me at all times and there was never enough for me for him to just say with his actions, no words, I see you, I love you, let me cook you dinner. It just felt like love in a way that no propositional truth could have met me or communicated to me. So that practice of imaginative contemplation,

I actually now lead a group that practices this. We meet a couple times a month and the group is called Come and See from that passage in John 1. It’s just that’s continued to be formative for me.

So yeah, there’s the spiritual formation piece, to my healing, my feeling loved and treasured and not forgotten or discarded. You know, one of the lies that I was repeating over myself as things were all going wrong was that this is such a waste. This whole church plant was such a waste. And not only did it not amount to anything for Dan and I, it ended up hurting our kids.

And I think that imaginative experience at the table was the first time that I began to really receive His love. And gosh, there’s so much goodness and beauty that he can bring out of the worst possible scenarios. And when I was able to receive his goodness and his love and his provision for me in the middle of all of that is when I started to maybe kind of release that narrative that everything had been a waste.

And I look back on it now, our kids are doing so much better. Dan and I are both practicing ministry in a new way. Me as a coach and he as a spiritual director, we’re both in this spiritual formation program, doctor ministry program. There’s just so much good that God is bringing out of that time.

I do remember going to my coach in the middle of, just the struggling time in this certification program and my family’s, bleeding out. And I was basically questioning, can I even do this? And I was coming to her just basically saying, I don’t think I have the time management skills or the willingness to be visible or all the things that you need in order to thrive as a coach.

And she asked me some thoughtful questions. We got down to the place that I felt like I wasn’t sure that going through what we’ve been through and really stepping away from this church that we planted, I wasn’t sure that I had anything positive to give. Because here we had walked away from ministry and now I’m trying to help people in ministry? And she basically helped me question that and said, what do you have? Which is a question that Jesus asks to the disciples at the feeding of the 5,000, right? When they’re like, we don’t have enough. And he says, what do you have?

And I told her, said, I have a place in me that has been hollowed out by suffering. A place where I invite other women to come and be sad or be angry or be afraid. And to have that space held for them where they can just be honest about where they actually are. And that that ends up being the first glimmer of hope and healing sometimes. And she smiled and she said, that’s what people need. They don’t need a coach with great time management skills or who does everything with excellence. We need a place to be welcomed when we’re struggling, a place to be honest about what hurts, to dare to hope that maybe, just maybe not everything is wasted.

Ruth Perry (47:02)
There’s so much I want to respond to, Lisa. Oh my goodness. Man, it’s just such a beautiful picture of God’s redemption that He turned this thing that was so ugly and so hard into your new calling and your new ministry. And it’s just so beautiful. I’m also thinking about how often when we are broken open by something, that’s where God’s light comes in and God’s love comes in. And so these times of brokenness, we can look back and be grateful for them that they were actually a gift because of the redemption and the healing that we received through that. And in all the ways that we didn’t know we needed.

And I’m thinking about when you were going through your certification to be a coach and you offered some free coaching and I took you up on that offer. I had no idea what coaching was. And I don’t remember if we did it one time or two times, but for me, just having that conversation, you helped me to work through my imposter syndrome and my self-doubt and all the reasons I would give myself for not doing more with the Beautiful Kingdom Builders so that I had the courage to step out in faith and start this podcast. And so I need to thank you for that, Lisa.

Lisa (48:19)
Wow.

Ruth Perry (48:20)
I signed up for your group coaching. You have a monthly group coaching right now. And it’s just started in January. So it’s only been two times and both times I came to the group meeting, not knowing that I needed something just completely disembodied from what my life experience is, that’s one of the things that I feel is a carryover from growing up female in complementarianism because we do just cut off all our own needs. We’re focused on meeting everybody else’s needs. And even though I started this process of detangling from patriarchy 15 years ago, I’m still learning all the ways that it’s still in here ⁓ and just needing that push from you to have the courage to do this. And so thank you for that. And I just want to hear more about what your heart is for your ministry and coaching now.

Lisa (48:56)
Yeah, thank you so much and praise God. I’m so happy that any space I created for you ended up resulting in this. I mean, this is such a gift, what you’re doing. Thank you.

So I coach everybody and anybody, but really my focus of my outreach is focused on Christian women and specifically Christian women in ministry and in leadership roles. And that really comes from so much experience myself on that path. And so I feel like I can speak to people who are working through some of the challenges and some of the joys of being in ministry and what that can mean for our own personal faith and well-being.

I feel like one of the things that encapsulates what I do is really teaching people how to speak to themselves the way Jesus speaks to them. I think it is a lost area of discipleship. That very often we focus on, especially in church planting, it’s all about reaching the unreached, obviously very important. It’s all about this outward external focus on growth.

And what I’m discovering is that there’s a lot of people currently in the church and currently leading the church who have not fully embodied and integrated and aligned with the methods of Jesus in how they lead themselves and others. So if the way that we talk to ourselves would not sound at home in the mouth of Jesus, then we shouldn’t be using those words and those tones.

And just from my own personal experience, again, this whole idea of excellence and perfectionism, it’s actually something that plagues women in ministry leadership in particular to have a very high standard of expectations, not only externally, but internally. And so when we’re not allowed to be human, when we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes.

Really, we just are encouraging a bifurcation of public and private life because nobody doesn’t make mistakes. We all make mistakes, right? And so what that perfectionism does is it forces a very harsh disparity between public and private. And then there’s so much shame that can thrive in all the private hidden places about the ways that we do fail and the ways that we do, miss the mark, which is what sin actually means.

So it’s just my honor and pleasure to get to help, specifically women in ministry, really learn how to use the voice and the tone and the words of Jesus as they speak to themselves. You know, we talked earlier about befriending the little version of me. There’s been so much healing and goodness that has come from that.

And so many of us, even in ministry, are expecting the fruit of the kingdom of God, but using the methods of the accuser, being really hard on ourselves, being really hard on others. Jesus says, like house divided against itself, a kingdom divided against itself will not stand. So I love doing this work of helping women really just gain the skill and then the practice of treating themselves the way Jesus treats them.

Ruth Perry (52:27)
It felt really holy, the times that I’ve experienced your coaching, just your skill at listening really well and digging into the issues, under the issues, and also just being seen by somebody. I think in our culture, we’re just all moving too fast, but as Christians who are called to love our neighbors. The practice of seeing people and just being present to them is really beautiful. And I think that’s what the church needs more of. And so where can people find your website and where are you on social media, Lisa?

Lisa (53:02)
Yeah, I’m on Facebook and Instagram at Lisa Wells Coaching and my website is lisawellscoaching.com and I would love to hear from your listeners. Reach out.

Ruth Perry (53:12)
I recommend they do. Yeah. And I thank you for all your time today, Lisa. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we say goodbye?

Lisa (53:20)
Yes, actually. I would love to talk a little bit about some research that I’ve done recently connected to my doctor ministry program. I took a class called Ministering to Women in Pain, and that class was incredible. And we each had the opportunity to choose a topic for research. And I chose the topic of loneliness and isolation in clergy spouses.

And it was so raw reading this research that had been done. Clergy spouses are an understudied population, but the studies that are out there do show some significant stressors that people married to clergy face. And it’s interesting because, I think this came through in my story. I certainly felt a calling to ministry. So my role in the church was not simply, mediated by my connection to Dan. And yet my connection to Dan did impact how I related to my role, how I related to the church body. So there were still some overlap there in how that all played out.

And so as I did this research, the stressors that really just kind of jumped off the page for me were obviously social isolation. That was a primary one. Perfectionistic expectations, that pressure for excellence always and boundary ambiguity was another one.

Then we’ve got some of the more contextual stressors of financial pressure and mobility, so moving from community to community. I know that depending on what denominational affiliation you have and what the requirements are for moving or what the compensation packages look like, those last two can really vary very widely from ministry family to ministry family.

But those first three, the social isolation, the perfectionistic expectations, and the boundary ambiguity are really in common among almost all clergy spouses. And the impact of those is particularly challenging for women because of some of the stresses that we hold even just as members of society. Some of the expectations that we hold, right, in the home and in the workplace and in third spaces in our communities, how our voices are welcome or not welcome.

So, I started to really peel back and look at what does the research say about what it means to carry a role that doesn’t have a job description. You know, there’s no professional development available to clergy spouses because it’s not a profession.

When the church goes through really challenging times, very often the person who’s employed as the pastor has some sort of network, whether it’s denominational or just other local pastors but the pastor’s spouse very often doesn’t have those connections, or at least not in the same way.

So it kind of amps up the struggle that they’re facing. So the social isolation can also be impacted by power dynamics. Well-meaning, relational connection that’s happening in the church is a layered reality because anything that we share about our kids, about our marriage, about our own faith and our own doubt and our own misgivings things that can come back and impact our spouse’s employment. So being very guarded sometimes about what we’re willing to share.

The social isolation of being left to do childcare duties during late night meetings or weekend responsibilities. If there’s kids in the home, that often is an intense reality for women who are married to pastors or women who are pastors who are married. They’re often expected to carry two full-time responsibilities.

And gosh, the fuzzy boundaries that really spoke to me too. This idea that is the church purchasing my husband’s attention and availability? And does that mean that he can’t turn off? Is the church purchasing my attention and availability? And does that mean that I can’t say no? Really just holding the complexities of these roles and trying to support now as a coach, as someone who is designing environments for women in ministry leadership, really just holding space for women to, first of all, unburden, say what’s true, talk about how these multiple stressors are impacting them in their actual physical bodies, their health, their mental health, their well-being.

We talked a little bit earlier about how we talk to ourselves. That’s where those perfectionistic expectations really come into play. You know, if we’re not allowed to be fallible, to have things that we wish we would do differently and not being able to be real with people about that can be really isolating and really challenging.

So as I’ve done that research, I just want to share with your audience, if you are a woman married to a pastor or if you are a woman pastor, it makes so much sense why so much of the role that you’re in, so much of the responsibilities and the challenges that go with that feel heavy sometimes. And part of my heart as a coach is to come alongside and give women opportunity to process that, to be seen, to be heard, to meet other women in ministry leadership who are also seeking a deeper connection with God and themselves and with others.

So I just wanted to make sure that research was something that I got to share a little bit with the people who listen to your podcast because it’s something that I wasn’t aware of as a pastor’s spouse and even as someone that was in ministry myself, Irrespective of my marriage.

It just, it’s a lot to carry and we need each other. We need support. So that’s something that I’m so privileged and honored to be able to provide as a coach. So thank you so much for this conversation and for asking these thoughtful questions and giving me space to share. It’s been a treat.

Ruth Perry (59:51)
It’s been amazing. mean, your research, how fascinating. That’s really valuable that you’ve looked into that and now you’re meeting that need. So thank you, Lisa, for being generous with your time today and many blessings to you in your ministry to women. God bless.

Lisa (1:00:08)
Thank you, Ruth, you too.


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