Author Archives: Ruth Perry

022 I Dr. Bethany Hunter on Empowering Christians to Live a Mission-Driven Life Wherever They Are

My guest today is Dr. Bethany Hunter, the Executive Director and Treasurer of HerMission, an historic ministry that goes back to the 1870’s. Bethany is passionate about women’s and the church’s empowerment for mission work. We discussed how equipping the Church is essential for fostering a more inclusive and equitable Christian community, and that missions begins with meeting the physical needs of our neighbors before we approach their spiritual needs. We can live a life of mission and service no matter where we are! Dr. Hunter shares her personal journey from growing up as a pastor’s kid to a twenty-year long career in the education world, to her recent big shift into ministry life, and how she is balancing it all as a mom of three.

If you are in Virginia, you can connect with HerMission at ⁠onhermission.org⁠ to learn more about their ministries and get plugged into the Kingdom work they are doing! And follow them on Facebook and Instagram.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is Dr. Bethany Hunter. She is the executive director of HerMission, which is a movement of women on mission here in Virginia since 1874. HerMission’s mission is equipping the entire church to be on mission with God. And Bethany and I go back several years now. I used to work at the church that Bethany attends here locally. And not just attend, you’re leader in your church here and now you’re a leader in the state. And I’m just really excited that you’re here to talk about your mission and your ministry. Bethany, thank you for being on the podcast.

Bethany Hunter (00:48)
Yes, I am so excited to be here.

Ruth Perry (00:50)
Can you take us back just to start and tell us your testimony Bethany?

Bethany Hunter (00:55)
So I have been in the church since I was just a few days old. My dad was the minister of a church here in the small community where I live and presented me to the church when I was about a week old and have been going to church regularly since. I have always just naturally gravitated towards having a relationship with the church and with God that allows me to serve others and be a good person without necessarily passing judgment, I guess, on others. I’ve always participated in children’s and youth activities in my current church. I was ordained as a deacon, but not currently serving as a deacon with my other responsibilities.

I still do some other things at church, but I always did missions trips with my youth group and then as a college student participated in several missions trips with my campus ministry groups. And there were two occasions in my life where I had very big decisions to make and in both cases, one to transfer colleges and one to make a job change. I didn’t want to make the hard decision and did, and when I did, felt very affirmed, felt at peace, felt that I was making the choice that was gonna keep me in God’s will, but I’ve never been out of touch with the church and with my relationship with Christ, so.

Ruth Perry (02:26)
I’m also a Baptist minister’s kid, so I recognize it’s a tough job. And I think it’s really beautiful that you’ve just always stayed connected to the church because that’s not always the case with pastors’ kids.

Bethany Hunter (02:31)
It’s a tough job.

Agreed, and I think especially for women who grew up in the Baptist church that there’s a lot of variability there in their experiences, you church that I spent most of my formative years in was in Franklin, Virginia. And so I was there right before I turned three and my parents were there through my first couple of years of college and this was at a huge transition time in Baptist life and the church I was in just kind of naturally gravitated towards women in leadership and women can wear pants to church and women can be deacons and women can be ushers. And so it was never a battle in our church. And so I didn’t realize, I think at that time the larger battle that was happening outside of the church in especially in Baptist life. So I was very fortunate to be insulated from that.

Ruth Perry (03:29)
That is true. What are some of your favorite things about being Baptist? What do you about your tradition?

Bethany Hunter (03:38)
One of the Baptist pillars is the separation of church and state. And I believe very strongly in that. I think that, while our country was founded with deist ideals and the idea of being a good person, I think our country was started because people wanted freedom from state religion. And so I believe that we should continue to support freedom from state religion. And I think that not being in a church where I’m told how to vote or who to vote for, I think is very important to me. I like that ideal of Baptist life. So that’s probably one of my favorite things about being a Baptist.

Ruth Perry (04:17)
Yeah, I noticed in the HerMission materials that I looked at, they use the Frederick Buechner quote, “The place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep hunger.” So I wanted you to finish the sentence, where does the place your deep gladness, where does that meet the world’s hunger?

Bethany Hunter (04:22)
So I think that comes from our desire as an organization and just kind of our theology of mission that you can’t tell people about Christ’s love if they’re hungry or if they don’t have anywhere to shelter at night or if they have a mental illness that is untreated or uncared for. And so we want to serve the needs, the physical needs, the and mental needs of our neighbors, whoever our neighbor is. And in doing so, we then an avenue to speak blessings that we have and how Christ has loved us and how Christ loves others. But those needs have to be met first. And so that’s where our joy comes from is just serving others and seeing how that service transforms in the form of Christ’s love, I think.

Ruth Perry (05:28)
That’s beautiful. Yeah, my son Benjamin wanted me to talk to you what you did your dissertation on. said, you gotta get Dr. Hunter to talk about her dissertation because it’s fascinating.

Bethany Hunter (05:34)
It’s probably not. So my dissertation, so I at the time was teaching seventh grade social studies when I started my dissertation and this was an EDD, so a more practical degree and so we real projects for our research. And so I wanted to see how organizing students who had IEPs, 504 plans into classes affected their grades, their attendance, their state test scores. Sometimes we had a big group of special education students with a small group of regular students all in a classroom and those special education students would just group together from one class to the next. And then we started to split them up a little bit more so there were fewer of them in those classes. Sometimes they had a co-teacher, sometimes they didn’t, sometimes they were receiving outside services, sometimes they didn’t.

We just wanted to track those students over several years to see how those different styles of classes impacted their performance. Ultimately, I had a whole lot of research and my conclusions were inconclusive. Like there were too many variables, there were individual variables attendance and all of those things.

Different teachers, everything. Everything is just too, too mixed up to really come to a conclusion about one specific style of instruction. But it was very, very interesting to follow those kids and see how they performed and, you know, just to do the back research on special education and how it’s changed over time. So that was good. And it’s done.

Ruth Perry (07:25)
Yeah, so you were teacher and then a school administrator. do you carry over your experiences in the school system and in your education into your ministry now?

Bethany Hunter (07:35)
Yes, when I was considering applying for the position and I was talking to the previous executive director treasurer, she, I said, you know, my background is in education and administration. This is not, this is not my thing. She said, you wouldn’t believe. And she was right. So a lot of the organizational piece of it. Personnel management, budget management, supervising people, working on people’s evaluations, making sure everybody’s kind of doing their tasks. Those carry over. To some extent, working with people who can become escalated, like my high school students do from time to time, So having hard conversations is important. Learning to just take things as they come. Just maintain a level of calm and peace and control in any kind of situation, think is all of those things are valuable and experiences that I had worked on before I came into the organization. So I do feel good about the background that I had.

And then I’ll answer another question, things that I still feel like I need to work on. Nonprofit organization is very different from a public school organization. And so I’m still, you know, I take like online low classes to understand how nonprofits work and how you can keep them going. I’ve met with other people in nonprofits, especially on the fundraising end, because that’s definitely an area of weakness for me. And then also just in Christian leadership. And so I grew up in the church and I’m not unfamiliar with scripture, but I do a lot of speaking, preaching, and I’m not prepared for that like I want to be. And so I am actually.

I am gonna enroll in a seminary in the fall to do a brief Masters of Christian Leadership. It doesn’t require a thesis at the end. It’s a 36 credit hour program but just to give me a little bit more background in foundational theology. The ability to write my own sermons. The public speaking piece isn’t difficult. The writing the sermon piece is difficult. So I want to do that better.

Ruth Perry (09:49)
That’s really cool that you have a plan for your leadership development, huh?

Bethany Hunter (09:53)
Well, I really thought in 2017 when I got that EDDthat I was done, but apparently I wasn’t. God’s plans are not my plans.

Ruth Perry (10:01)
Well, I think about what you said about your dissertation, it seems like that really correlates well with ministry because people don’t fit into little boxes. You have to approach them on a one-person basis and it’s not convenient. It’s not uniform. It’s not fast. It requires investment and care beyond just what is the most efficient. Okay, here’s a thought that I was wondering about because the church that you’re involved in is multi-generational, but probably majority older. Since you’ve worked with all different ages, and I think that there’s some challenges between intergenerational work.

So what are some challenges that you’ve experienced working with different generations, and then what are the positive things that you see that different generations bring to church ministry?

Bethany Hunter (10:50)
So our organization particularly has a broad range, right, of people that we serve. So we recently had our Mom and Me event, which is girls K through six and their mom or mom figures. A month ago we had our Teen Girls event. In November we have our adult event, our women’s event. And so it’s amazing to see some of the differences, what those different groups expect out of worship, what those groups expect as far as just the activities that they participate in, what those groups expect out of their accommodations, you know, when we’re having those events.

I think the thing about the church where we are is, are some things that we all agree on as far as how we worship, our expectations of the past or separation of church and state, those types of things. And there are things that we don’t necessarily worry about. Being with the little girls and the youth girls keeps me young. I think it helps me stay in touch. part of, I’ve never had that kind of disconnect because I’ve been with high schoolers or middle schoolers. And even with my own children, they keep me kind of in touch with what’s going on in that generation and what they’re facing, what their challenges are.

But for our ministry, we’re just trying to do our best to serve each of those groups as they need to be served. And so figuring out what their needs are at each level is really important for us.

Ruth Perry (12:28)
Do you know how many people throughout Virginia are involved in HerMission groups?

Bethany Hunter (12:33)
No, so we don’t have an individual membership count. We have groups in churches and we have people who attend events that aren’t necessarily members. So there is a voting membership, but again, it’s not an individual membership. It’s based on church giving. And so if a church has the certain type of giving, then they are allowed to have voting members. And really, anybody in that church can be a voting member if they’re giving to our state missions offering. Consistently, we have, you know, two to 300 at and girls event. Our teen event is a little bit less, usually between 50 and 100.

Across the state of Virginia, we have about 700 churches that give to the state missions offering, but we definitely don’t have that many HerMission groups. Most of our groups are central around the Richmond area because that’s where it started. That’s where the home base is. Any church in Virginia who has a history of WMU has the opportunity to have groups. I just haven’t been connected with all of them or been invited to be at all of them just yet. Most of them around the Richmond area though.

Ruth Perry (13:51)
Yeah. Can you tell us about the formation? It was the Women’s Mission Union of Virginia, right? WMUV and then, yeah, tell us the history.

Bethany Hunter (13:59)
Sure. Right, so in the 1870s, Lottie Moon had just gone to China. And there was a group of women in the Richmond area churches who wanted to raise money to support her and her sister to find housing. because they were there on their own, they didn’t have husbands, know, they were just there because they had a heart for the people of China.

And so the women in those churches started collecting money to send to Lottie Moon through the, at the time, the Foreign Mission Board, it became the International Mission Board. And so that was kind of the first iteration of the Women’s Missionary Union of Virginia. It didn’t actually get called the Women’s Missionary Union until 1888 when it formed at a national level. And so in Virginia, it existed before it existed at the national level. So the Women’s Missionary Union is still an auxiliary of the Southern Baptist Convention at the national level. Annie Armstrong was the first executive director of the national organization. One of our Virginia titans in WMU, Alma Hunt, who we’ve named our state offering after, was an executive director at the national level as well.

And so, that organization over time exists to help people learn about missions, pray about missions, give to missions, and do missions. Those are the focuses. And that has come a long way. In many cases, churches give to the Lottie Moon Christmas offering that goes to the International Mission Board, the National North American Mission Board gets the Annie Armstrong Easter offering and then each state has their state missions offering ours is Alma hunt and that goes to us and the Baptist General Association of Virginia we we split that there’s a percentage and we split that But it’s I mean it’s a long-running program but at the state level in each state. It does look a little bit different from state to state than it does at the national level.

Ruth Perry (16:06)
So kind of rebranding as HerMission is a continuation of the same ministry of WMUV, but then it also feels kind of like a re-imagination. Would you say that’s right?

Bethany Hunter (16:09)
Sure, yes. So I was on the board of trustees as just a member at large when we decided to bring that change to the membership as a whole. And there was some resistance, of course, as there always is with change. But after 150 years, we really felt you didn’t already know what WMU was, then it was like this club that you just couldn’t be a part of. And we wanted to make it look new, make it sound new, so that we could broaden our audience and broaden it to younger people, younger women, broaden it outside of the Baptist Church.

And so that’s part of our goal is to connect with other church and parachurch groups to do missions in their communities or in a larger way, not just the WMU as it always has been. Because it will die. And we said that. When I go to WMU groups who said, well, we’re still going to call ourselves WMU, I can guarantee you that most of the ladies in that group are over the age of 65 or 70. They’re not getting new members because the new members don’t know what WMU means. So we’ve tried to rebrand that a little bit, refresh.

Ruth Perry (17:36)
Yeah, yeah, that’s good. You’ve been shaped the WMU ministries like Mission Friends and Girls in Action from a young age yourself and going to camp. Looking back, when did you first begin to sense that God was calling you into some kind of mission?

Bethany Hunter (17:44)
I have never not done missions. When I was kind of finishing up my second year at college, my parents said, you need to have a marketable degree when you finish your first four years of college. And so I didn’t know what that was going to be. I had studied medicine for a year and that was, not for me and I studied religious studies and Spanish for a year and my parents said, what are you gonna do with that? So I didn’t know.

And they suggested that go ahead and get an education degree. And when I started that, that was one of those two kind of life-changing decisions that was the right thing to do. And I told my parents, I was like, I would love to go to a foreign country to teach English. and they were supportive of that. But they also encouraged me and there are people, there are kids right here in our public education system that need someone like you to just be a good role model, to have expectations for good character, to help them learn, to help them break cycles of dropping out or drug abuse or like your mission field can be wherever you are.

And that really spoke to me. I didn’t have to go somewhere else to do missions as I always had. I could be at home and do missions or be wherever and do missions. And so I took that on very seriously and really worked in the public schools. Not to break rules, not to convert kids, not to indoctrinate kids, because I don’t believe in that, but to just be a good role model and to have expectations for kids’ character so that I could minister to them in that way without necessarily saying Jesus or God.

Ruth Perry (19:44)
I think that’s really important. I think a lot of Christians, we lose sight of caring for people. Or we spiritualize all of Jesus’ life and ministry and we miss that he was actually meeting physical needs of people and caring for people where they were. And oftentimes not evangelizing them in the way that we think or we’re told that we’re supposed to live as Christians. Yeah, I think that’s really good.

Bethany Hunter (19:53)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Ruth Perry (20:07)
So on top of being a leader, you’re also a mom of three and a wife. And you have a large family that all lives close by that you’re involved with. So how do you navigate your personal life and your calling and all the challenges of managing all of that as a woman?

Bethany Hunter (20:13)
Yes. Mm-hmm. My calendar is color-coded by child because we don’t have anyone driving yet. No, I am very intentional about the time that I spend with the people that I love. So, if it’s a week or a month, this month has been nutso. I have done a lot of traveling, but the times that I am at home and with my kids. I am at home and with my kids. I am not working or distracted by emails or phones. I really do take time to give each of my kids individual and group attention. Same for my husband. I haven’t forgotten about him either.

It’s really helpful to have a village of people. So having my sister and her husband and my mom and my in-laws close by helps when I go out of town because I know my kids are cared for and they’re gonna all get where they need to go because I’ve got a village of people that are taking care of them. It also helps that they’re a little older now and I feel like, you know, we’ve gotten through the hard, you know, really super formative young years.

I’ve got a couple of teenagers and a young preteen and so we still have lots of very important conversations about character and we still sometimes make poor decisions. you know, dad and I work through that together with the, with each child, but, I have, you know, I have a great partner and he’s very supportive of what I’m doing, which is helpful as well. But I’ve just got a good village that helps me take care of my kids. But when I’m here, I’m here and I’m all in. Yep.

Ruth Perry (22:04)
Do your kids have, did they prefer it when you were working in the school system or now in ministry?

Bethany Hunter (22:10)
No. The high schooler especially, like he had to have a year of me at school and there were, there was like a slight transition period where he’s like, where am going to put my bag? Or, you know, like can’t come to me when you need lunch money in the middle of the day, that kind of thing. But for the most part, they are all very excited for me not to be in the school system anymore because they don’t feel like they’re being watched all the time. They feel like they have a little bit of individuality and I think that’s important for them too, to have a semi-normal experience without their mom around all the time.

Ruth Perry (22:49)
I know that my kids appreciated you at the school a lot. And my daughter this year, she was like, I don’t know who I’m going to approach when I need help because I used to go see Dr. Hunter. And so I just, I do think you were a light in the school system and I appreciate what you did there. And so I want to thank you for that.

Bethany Hunter (22:53)
Aww. Thank you. Yeah, that always feels nice. Thank you.

Ruth Perry (23:11)
So you talked about how you appreciate how Hermission is involved in physical and mental health needs neighbors. Where do you see the church as being invited to grow or repent when it comes to doing justice work, especially for women and marginalized communities or those on the margins?

Bethany Hunter (23:31)
So. I think that churches have a great opportunity to stop abusing the generosity of their women without recognizing their leadership. And what I mean is when you go into a church, typically, not all the time, but typically, when there is a meal, who’s in the kitchen, when there is a nursery, who is in the nursery, when there are Sunday school classes, who’s leading the Sunday school classes, you know?

And I think that in a lot of cases, we tell women, we need you to do everything except lead the church, right? And that’s where lot of that trauma comes from for a lot of women who have either exited the church or, you know, where that all of that Baptist kind of chaos in the late 90s came from, you know, women who were done being told that they could do everything but, right? And so I think churches have a great opportunity to honor everyone’s call to leadership and service.

But women also need to feel empowered to say, I can do this, but I don’t have to do it all. And so each woman needs to say to herself like, Sure, I can bake and cook and keep the nursery and teach kids Sunday school, but I don’t have to do all of it. Maybe if I stop doing some of this, other people will step up and do some of this as well.

Ruth Perry (24:53)
Yeah, there’s a great reliance women’s labor. And then it doesn’t really make sense to exclude them from the table to have the conversations of like keeping a thumbprint on how the church is doing spiritually because women are deeply connected and involved in the spiritual leadership of the church whether they’re given any voice or not.

Bethany Hunter (24:56)
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think churches are, there are churches that are moving beyond that. But they still seem few and far between. And so, I love to see more of that where women have a seat at the table. This past Friday, we had our Virginia Baptist Women in Ministry feast where women in church leadership are able to get together and talk about what it is to be a church leader. And that group actually meets online once a month to either chat or have a specific informational session about different things. But it’s a great networking opportunity for women who are in leadership to be able to lean on one another.

Ruth Perry (25:58)
It does seem like even with the rise tradwives online and more of a conservative resurgence once again, that women are kind of like if we’re using our gifts and our callings, it seems like there’s a harsher criticism right now than maybe there has been even in recent years. And so I’m just curious about like, how do we overcome that for younger women who have gifts and callings, but they maybe don’t feel the comfort of stepping into that because of the influence of biblical womanhood conversations and the ideas of male headship and there’s a lot of conversations now about feminine energy that we’re supposed to be in our feminine energy. And I think that that’s really interesting.

Bethany Hunter (26:48)
Yeah, you know, my dad used to use a term and I know that this is a church pastor term. He doesn’t like sheep stealers. He doesn’t like when pastors are intentionally going to other church members and trying to get them to come into their church. And so I don’t think that that is the answer. I don’t think that women going into other churches and like creating these subversive secret groups to work with women.

I think it’s just having opportunities for women from different churches to get together and talk with one another because I think those types of events open up conversations about all things ministry, all things service, all things leadership. And I think those conversations happen naturally. That’s one of the beauties of our organization, HerMission, is that we have a very broad spectrum of women and their backgrounds in our organization. And so when they do come together, there is a little bit of that discussion. You know, nobody wants to just like come out right and say, you’re right, you’re wrong, which is good. It’s beautiful. Everybody’s very careful about respect, but those conversations do happen. And I think that that gives, I think that gives a lot of opportunity for women who might not even realize what they are in to be able to think more broadly about women’s role in the church and in the kingdom really.

Ruth Perry (28:24)
So what gives you hope about the church and its future in mission work?

Bethany Hunter (28:28)
That it’s still happening, that there are churches and in a lot of cases churches are doing so much mission work even outside of HerMission or any other real structure churches are going into their communities they are they have food pantries they have clothing closets they are organizing hot meals I think that that gives me hope that people want to serve one another. And so as long as I think people have a heart for their neighbor and that Christ’s love is ruling their heart, that the church has hope for the future.

Ruth Perry (29:12)
Do you have any spiritual practices or hobbies or things that fill your cup for you in ministry so you can pour out?

Bethany Hunter (29:20)
That’s a great question. Spiritual practices. I do read my Bible every day. I have a one-year Bible that, you know, breaks up the scripture into old and new and Proverbs and Psalms. And I enjoy keeping up with that. It actually has word art in it so I can color a little bit in addition to my reading, which seems wasteful, it was relaxing. I really like it. I read a lot. enjoy reading. I enjoy being outside. Being outside just in general fills my cup. Going for a walk with the dogs, being outside with the kids, those types of things fill my cup. But that’s pretty much all I have time for.

Ruth Perry (30:00)
So where could people find out more about Hermission and get involved?

Bethany Hunter (30:05)
Yes, so we have we are on Facebook and Instagram at join HerMission and we’re on the internet onHerMissiondotorg and all of those places will have information. There’s an opportunity to sign up for we do a bi-monthly digital newsletter and there’s an opportunity there to sign up for that just to find out about the ministries that we’re doing, the resources that we have, and the events that we have. We would love for anybody who isn’t necessarily in a church or in a Baptist church, it’s still, there are so many ways to get involved without being in the organization, so to speak, officially, or get started, get a permission group started in your local community. There’s ways to do that without being in a church or a Baptist church.

Ruth Perry (30:53)
And it’s not just for women and girls too. You have a program for men and boys, right?

Bethany Hunter (30:57)
Correct. We do have a men and boys, his mission. Primarily that’s stemmed from the Royal Ambassadors curriculum for young men, but we do have also a men and boys retreat that we do in the fall. And so that’s an opportunity for men and their sons to get involved with just growing into great Christian young men.

Ruth Perry (31:23)
Well, thank you so much for being on the Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast today, Bethany. And thank you for being a part of building God’s kingdom and being on mission for God. I think it’s so important that we not just be a part of a church, but we also understand that we’re the priesthood of all believers and that we’re all called and sent by God to follow in the example of Jesus and that we need to love God. And we also need to love our neighbors as ourselves and that that involves more than thoughts and prayers. It involves boots on the ground, boots on the ground.

Bethany Hunter (31:52)
Absolutely. Absolutely. No, Ruth, thank you so, so much for the opportunity. I’ve really enjoyed being here with you and talking with you.

Ruth Perry (32:01)
Well, God bless you as you continue leading and also start a seminary degree on top of that. That’s going to be a lot. So I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work. Thank you so much. God bless.

Bethany Hunter (32:07)
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it.


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021 I Jenna Dunn on Seven Scriptures to Prove Complementarianism is Wrong

In this episode, Jenna Dunn of Ezer Bible returns to the podcast to revisit her journey from complementarianism to egalitarianism, exploring key Biblical passages and challenging traditional interpretations of gender roles in the Church. This episode offers deep insights into how we read Scripture, translation issues, and the theological basis for gender equality in Christian ministry.

You can read the Bible passages we discuss here: Romans 16, Genesis 2, and Genesis 3:16, 1 Corinthians 11, 1 Corinthians 14, 1 Timothy 2:12, and 1 Timothy 3.

Here are links to where you can follow Jenna Dunn and her Ezer Bible ministry:
Jenna’s Website: Ezer Bible
Ezer Bible on Facebook
Ezer Bible on Instagram
Ezer Bible on YouTube

Please enjoy this episode of The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is Jenna Dunn from Ezer Bible. You were my very first interview when I started this podcast. Even though I released our conversation as my third were my very first. When I listened to our episode back, I was like, Oh, I should have asked her so many other questions. And I just really appreciate you being my guinea pig. And I appreciate you coming back on and being gracious enough to do that again. So thank you, Jenna.

Jenna (00:38)
Thank you, Ruth. I’m really happy to be here. It’s been really amazing to get to see all the people you’ve interviewed. loved our conversation last time, but yeah, I’m excited to talk seven passages that I mentioned before.

I remember telling you the backstory about how I had these seven passages bookmarked in a Bible that I always carried with me. And I put together an online guide that’s a video, but I’m always thinking that maybe it’s better to just talk to people who want to know the Bible for themselves and they’re already curious. Maybe other women or couples who are in a complementarian church and they’re like well, I want to know how to explain what’s wrong with that position or what the Bible really says because I noticed if you try to talk directly to somebody who’s really invested in complementarianism or if you’re going to a church and that’s part of their doctrinal statement, you can’t really change people’s minds easily and maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe you should find a different place to fellowship.

I think for myself it was really destructive in my life to think that you can convince somebody and it’s tempting too because you’re like, well we all believe in the Bible. Just show them what it says in the Bible and that was definitely my mindset. I had these seven passages bookmarked and I’ll just show them, this is what it says. It’ll be so easy. They’ll just agree. But there’s almost like a spiritual resistance to people who are upholding that worldview, right? It’s not even just, Oh, the Bible says men need to do this and women need to do this. It’s so much beyond that. It’s their political framework. It’s how they’re interpreting scripture, it’s a whole framework that’s imposed onto the Bible. It’s how they’re doing relationships.

Ruth Perry (02:18)
I think it’s like the parable of the soils; some soil is receptive and some is really hard. And the people who are most considering that maybe complementarianism isn’t the way is the person who has had a bad experience and they’ve realized that the fruit of complementarianism isn’t good. And so they’re experiencing some cognitive dissonance. And that could have been either in their relationship at church or in the home.

Or perhaps they’ve felt a call from God. And so now they’re trying make sense of that because they’re a woman. That can’t be right. And so it seems like the people who are the receptive hearers of egalitarianism, if they’re coming from a complementarian background, they’re in a spiritual season of, that’s not working, I need to find a better way. But if it is working for them, they’re just gonna ignore you. They’re gonna cast you out as heretical. They’re gonna warn themselves about you and others.

Jenna (03:13)
Yeah, and I have to say too, when you’re in a complimentarian church and you haven’t really questioned that mindset or that framework at all, it seems like it’s not that big of a deal. So some women feel called to teach or pastor. What’s the big deal? They can teach and pastor women and children. There’s plenty of opportunities. Nobody should be feeling bad. And it really just doesn’t seem like it’s that important.

And it isn’t, you can still do a lot. I would have been perfectly happy just doing children’s ministry. I was writing Sunday school curriculum and I loved it. I never wanted to teach men. So the only reason why it was an issue is that what was being taught to everybody was not what the Bible said. So that’s the issue is that you have a framework people who are different in some way, like they’re female, they bring truth to the light. They can’t call somebody into repentance. They can’t even make positive change in their marriage, right? It’s the whole framework where only men the leadership capabilities and the ability to tell everybody this is why you need to repent. This is what the Bible actually says. So that’s the issue is that women can’t come against that framework. They can’t question that doctrine. They have to go along with it.

I remember there was another situation where I brought up to leadership that there’s not any women in positions of authority so what if I as a woman was in a dangerous situation like an abusive marriage or I had something very personal and I needed to get counseling or help or advice from a woman they were like well pastors wives, ministry wives, look at all these women and you don’t understand you can’t go to a woman who’s married to one of the leaders and say, I think that the way that Ephesians 5, the way the pastor talked about it, was really bad because there’s women in the church that are in abusive marriages. You can’t question anything, you can’t change anything, and there’s no women that have a rightful authority, right? Following their place in the pyramid structure, right? Trying to keep their position.

That’s not a healthy dynamic, although the issue is not, well, women can’t teach men, and they’re just not happy only teaching other women. It’s really that what’s being taught is not able to be questioned, and men are only called into repentance by other men. So they have a whole blind spot, you know? And they’re only interpreting scripture according to this narrow framework of what other men have said it says, and you can’t question it.

And a lot of times, a Sunday morning teaching will not even have a very healthy perspective, it’s very narrow minded. I remember one example was seeing a male pastor teach about the woman at the well. And it just drove me crazy because his bias was so visible. So there’s all these passages in the Bible that are really about women and they are the words and theology and conversations of women and the stories of women and then only men can teach it and they don’t understand, they don’t see, they don’t ask the right things.

I think it took women to start saying Bathsheba was raped. So many male pastors taught that story. And then it was women that came along and they’re like, was she able to say no? Did she have to if the king comes and says, you have to go with me? Did she have an option? Women think to ask that. And the Bible is not just this rule book and it’s not stories of only men. There’s all these really personal stories of women and it makes sense to have women help with that translation and interpretation.

So it’s not about, well, women want to be able to do all these things that men do because they’re not happy being a woman. No, men aren’t doing things good. And how is that going to get fixed? If you silence the people that are really given by God as gifts to help his body. That is what the leadership positions in the church are supposed to be, is people that are given by Jesus to his bride to teach and to lead and to preach and to evangelize. If you only have men doing those things, it’s not going to be as good as it could be.

Ruth Perry (07:17)
I also think of the value that you bring to this conversation and that I bring to this conversation is that we up complementarian. And so we’ve read the Bible through that lens, and then we’ve rediscovered the Bible through a new lens. And just having that insight of both perspectives, I think, is really valuable. And I know growing up complementarian, the way that complementarians spoke of egalitarians. I would say it was not according to the New Testament one another commands that we’re supposed to love one another and consider others better than ourselves. But rather, there was a lot of demeaning language and writing off and just assuming that egalitarians were playing fast and loose with scripture and that they weren’t taking it seriously and that they were letting their culture influence the way that they read the Bible. And as I’ve met egalitarians and read egalitarians, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Jenna (08:08)
Yeah. Yeah, who’s doing mental gymnastics? The people trying to make it fit the most common social structure we’ve had throughout the world, throughout time is patriarchy and trying to make the Bible fit that, trying to make the Bible prescribe patriarchy. I think that that’s really pandering to the culture.

Even the name complementarian, I find slightly deceptive because nobody is saying that men and women are the same. Both sides think that male and female were created by God to complement each other so it’s not even being honest about what their position is. Their position is not just that men and women are different and compliment each other, but that there must be this hierarchy between them. But if you say, well, they’re hierarchalists, they don’t love that. And if you say, you’re advocating for patriarchy, they don’t really love that either.

But being complementarian, it’s a weird thing for them to name the movement, but also just the fact that everything came out as a response, right? It was a very reactionary movement. It only makes sense in America and it only makes sense since the 70s and it only makes sense as a reaction to feminism. And so there’s these bigger issues that are hard to bring up and I think one of the strategies is to ask the right questions and to help them bigger ideas in scripture. So one of the first things that I think is really important to bring up is Romans 16.

So the seven passages are Romans 16 and then Genesis 2 and then look at Genesis 3:16 and then you get into the First Corinthians 11, First Corinthians 14 and First Timothy 2. So everybody starts the other way around with first Timothy 2, and I actually think that’s the least relevant passage But I also think it’s important to look at the whole chapter.

So, those seven chapters, I think you can give people an overview of what that passage is talking about and the big picture and it’ll all fit in. And hopefully it illuminates all of scripture and it doesn’t just feel like this disconnected framework. And I think that’s one of the things that really bothered me about complementarianism is that they will make a list of something like, nine proofs of male headship or, the true woman manifesto. There’s also the biblical manhood and womanhood. It’s kind of like a manifesto, but they’ll make 10 points, like 10 sentences, and then they’ll just be like three scriptures to support that statement.

And the scriptures are different genres of the Bible. They’re just a hodgepodge and then the scriptures don’t support the statement, or they’ll be saying something slightly different. They’ll say, well, Paul is quoting the created order. And then you go and you look at where they’re saying Paul’s saying that, but Paul’s never using the phrase created order.

I don’t see egalitarians use the Bible that way, right? There’s more respect. There’s more providing context and explaining who’s saying that and who their audience is and why they might be saying it. There’s a need for that because I think using the Bible like it’s just a rule book or a blueprint for how to have a good family or how to have a good marriage or how everybody should act according to their gender, it’s just a weird way to use scripture.

And so with those seven passages, kind of the crux of the issue is the complementarian idea of created order that they get from Genesis, right? Because the verses that they’re using from Paul, they think that he’s quoting Genesis. So looking at Romans 16 first to say, what did the early church look like? And Romans 16 not only gives you a list men and women working together, it does list one married couple in ministry, Priscilla and Aquila, but it lists a lot of women with no statement about who they’re married to or whose wife they are. It also gives women titles of respect. It shows that they’re set over others. You know, even listing churches that they are set over. You have Phoebe presiding over the Church of Centrea.

So just the amount of women and the way women are listed and then how Paul is commending them. So it doesn’t only just tell you how the church looked and what people were doing, but what Paul thought about it. And everything else that you talk about after that, every other part of the Bible that you read, would Paul really be contradicting himself if he’s commending women for leading? Is he later telling them to be silent?

If he’s calling them coworkers and partnering with them and even having women over him as a man, is he later going to say, yeah, I don’t want any women to exercise authority over men? The conversation has to start with that. You get this picture of the early church as being very diverse the women that are commended are not all somebody’s wife and somebody’s mother. It’s not like when you are at a pastor’s conference by The Resurgence or by The Gospel Coalition and the only mention of women is so-and-so’s wife. It’s a very different feel.

The early church movement had a lot of women and maybe their husbands weren’t saved. Maybe their husbands weren’t with them and maybe they weren’t married and there was a lot of householders that were women. And they impose this 1950s Leave it to Beaver family model onto the text and it’s just not in the text.

And also, a lot of these things that they think Paul is saying are much worse. He’s not just saying women ask your husbands at home and be respectful and show deference to male leadership. He’s not saying that. He’s saying the voice of a woman shameful or filthy. So you either think he’s quoting a different idea or that he believes that and that somehow makes sense when you see Romans 16 and it doesn’t make sense, right?

So I think starting with Romans 16, that’s the biggest thing. If you have two seconds to talk to a complementarian, ask them if they read Romans 16 what they think about it. If you’re reading the ESV, some of these passages are interpreted in such a way, like it’ll say, well known to the apostles, right?

Ruth Perry (14:09)
Hmm. Yeah, I was going to ask you about how can away from Junia?

Jenna (14:13)
Yeah, well, it was Junius for a while and then they realized there’s no way it was a man’s name. And so then they changed the other words in the sentence. So you see, not only is the actual scripture important to look at, but that history of how we’ve translated it. Also, it reveals that there’s been a historic bias against female leadership.

And so I think that’s important to recognize because it’s not just people being difficult or politically correct because of feminism now. It’s not just our modern culture. Women have always been discriminated against and they’ve always been trying to serve the Lord. They’ve always been full of the Holy Spirit and trying to do what they’re called to do and there’s always been a historic bias there in translation and we have a history of how it’s been translated. The end result is nobody thinks that it could possibly be Junius. Everybody knows it’s Junia.

And so that should cause you to also doubt the other things that the ESV tries to get away with in modern times. Like they still try to, say, not deacon to say servant. None of the other places where men are called deacons do they try to say servant. And you actually have the church that she’s presiding over listed. So yeah, I think that that is an obstacle, the translation issues. And unfortunately, that is one of the reasons why people continue to be complementarian is just cause they’re reading the ESV. And so they’re not seeing what scripture really says. And that’s too bad. ⁓

Ruth Perry (15:37)
It’s interesting how people say, well, there’s no women pastors in the Bible, but there’s no one in the Bible that has the title pastor. It is deacon or servant or shepherd or some other term.

Jenna (15:41)
No pastors. Yeah, and the bigger picture of that though is that there aren’t offices. There’s not these elite titles, right? The fact that Paul is like, I’m going to call the people that are in charge servants. It’s so Jesus-like. It backs up the whole ethic of Jesus, to say, don’t be like the Gentiles who lord it over one another.

Whoever is going to be the greatest among you is going to be your servant. So to not try to seek to be the greatest. I love all of the stories where the male disciples are arguing about who’s greatest among them. There’s one where they’re like outside arguing and they come into the house and Jesus knows what they were arguing about, and he’s like, what were you talking about back there? You know? I see that feeling in the whole nine proofs of male headship that they get from Genesis, right? Like the whole concept of created order. This is their whole argument in those bullet point checklists.

The man was created first, the woman sinned first. And it’s just this childish, immature framework of who did what first, who is greatest, who’s not greatest. It’s just a weird way to look at the Bible and it goes against the bigger picture of everything Jesus said. And then you see Paul really running with the exact same ethic, setting up churches and just saying, we’re gonna call everybody who leads a servant.

And even the five-fold ministry titles, those are all things you’re doing. You’re a teacher, you’re an evangelist, you’re a shepherd. It’s not about this official title.

Ruth Perry (17:24)
I think it is a little bit of projection, the way they talk about women who are trying to follow their callings in the church. They’re like, well, you just want power. But I feel that reveals what their perspective is, that those positions are power. And it’s about authority and lording over others rather than service and servanthood.

Jenna (17:37)
Yeah. Yeah, I do see the projection too. It’s really interesting being told that you just want attention when you’re a woman in the church, that was really odd for me. It’s so not my personality and I can’t think of anything I’ve done that would warrant somebody saying, well, you just want attention. Their view of womanhood and what I should want and what I should be is so narrow and small that it’s like anything outside of that is oh, you want all these things.

Yeah, it takes empathy, I think, for somebody coming from that framework to imagine what that must feel like. You get saved and you get baptized and you start learning about the Bible and then you get filled with the Holy Spirit. And for some people, they really feel called to teach or to lead or to even preach, to call people into repentance. And then if you’re a woman, you’re supposed to show this special respect. You can’t be in any sort of authority position where you’re telling a man what to do or criticize him. You can’t tell him that he’s teaching the Bible wrong or that he’s not seeing things. I’m not saying that you would ever do it in a disrespectful way, but it’s just not allowed in any way.

And so what do you do if you really want to build community and be a part of a community? There’s just not a way do it in a healthy way, I don’t think. And it also is really destructive for a lot of marriages. If you are married and you’re in leadership in that type of environment, there’s just a lot of ways that your marriage is going to be attacked because especially if you’re the woman thinking that the Bible is freeing towards women and opens the mouths of women and is empowering for women and then you’re in a complementarian culture, it’s going to be hard not only socially, it’s going to be hard to actually to be honest with people and to be in community. And then if you’re in a marriage that’s disjointed that way, it’s really hard.

I wish it was just a matter of saying, well, we all have the same Lord. We read the same Bible. We have the same Spirit. Let’s just open up the Bible and just see what it says. But unfortunately, there’s a lot more to it. But yeah, Romans 16 is good. I think the next thing to focus on is the whole creation account, mainly Genesis two, because everything in complementarian theology hinges on them establishing male headship before the fall.

Everybody agrees as soon as the fall happens and he’s gonna rule over her, that’s Bad. It’s, you know, what do you think before that, you think God instituted a form of patriarchy or a good male headship hierarchy, right? That’s the crux of the issue and I think the fact that you have new language to prove that is a good indicator that it’s not just obvious in scripture. Phrases like, God’s design, created order, order of creation.

Even male headship is kind of a questionable phrase. The Bible definitely talks about men being the head of their wife, but I see all the time people are reading a scripture and every place that says head, they say headship and sometimes they’ll even just say authority. I’m like wow, that’s a crazy metaphor, authority in a body. That’s not even a metaphor anymore, right? You’ve just completely changed a word. But yeah, people will say Paul said and then say something that’s not even in the Bible and not what he said.

And this idea equal, but different roles, even the idea of roles or gender roles, that’s all really modern stuff. It like the sixties? They started talking about gender roles. That’s a social construct. It’s a weird thing to impose onto the Bible.

Once you see how weird it is, once you start questioning it, you’re like, this is really a whole way of looking at things and actually taking a story and saying, God instituted a certain design or order and then the sin in the Garden of Eden is a reversal of that. At that point you’re redefining sin as not acting like your gender or not following your role. Try to find another story in the Bible where that’s what the sin is. Not following, not staying in your place.

That really struck me the other day, how it’s all hinging on a really modern idea. And now you’re taking a story in the Bible that is foundational to understanding the rest of scripture and you’re saying, it’s about not staying in your place. Have you seen what I’m talking about where the chain of command is supposed to be, God, Jesus, man, woman, and then the reversal is the serpent, woman, man, God, you know what I mean? But that idea is sticky.

Ruth Perry (22:05)
This is really where we read our culture into the Bible because we are conditioned in a patriarchal culture where there are roles, and we call them traditional values. So it feels old, just using that language of this is the traditional view. It feels like this is the right way to view things, but it really is the culture of the world and we’re supposed to be renewed and not conform to the culture of the world, but conform to the values of the kingdom of God, which I feel like Genesis 1 and 2 really lays out a beautiful vision of partnership between men and women in having dominion. They were both given the same job description to have dominion and care for God’s beautiful creation, and they were connected with God and they were connected with each other. And the sin creates disconnection and harm between our relationship with each other and with God.

But your ministry is called Ezer Bible. So I’m obviously wanting to hear from you about how you understand that word helpmeet because that sounds, in the King James Version that people love to read, it says that the woman is a helpmeet or in the ESV helper. And we just read that through our modern English lens as subordinate and that there’s hierarchy inherent in that. That that’s what God’s created order is. That we’re assisting the man in his calling and his dominion. So can you explain how to better understand that word helper?

Jenna (23:21)
Yeah, that was actually world-changing for me. I think that that was the thing that caused me to leave complementarian theology. And I’ve noticed that some of the different well-known complementarian bloggers or authors, they’ve changed that list. It used to be like the second point was that the woman’s called ezer was actually one of their proofs of male headship. Which is crazy because you know if it was the other way around where God created the man to rescue the woman from being alone, that God calls himself ezer. And it would be a proof of male headship.

And then, to even have it say, equal to or facing him, like on his level. So she’s a rescue, a deliverer, but on his level. I think it’s really difficult to get subservience out of that word and when I really looked up that word and I saw the other places it was used I actually felt it elevated, I mean, I know it’s equal to but I was thinking wow, that’s really an elevating title for the first woman to be called, and the fact that God’s like, I’m gonna make an ezer like this..

I think that the takeaway that complementarians get about like, he was created first, she sinned first. It’s a really weird takeaway when you see the story as it is, how everything is done in such a way that they can’t not be interdependent. She’s built from his body. So, can you say that he existed first if, the materials that she’s built with are his body? It’s done in such a way that I think what you’re supposed to take away is wow, they’re really interconnected.

That’s the idea that eventually leads to marriage is that she’s taken out of him, so then he’s going to leave his family and cleave to her because he’s seeking that wholeness. That seems like the bigger thing to take away from that story but also isn’t that story all about Jesus? There are so many things in that story that go against the natural world that we know. We all know that every human came out of the body of a woman. This is the natural order of things and this story is flipping a lot of that on its head and Paul uses all of that in the New Testament to show interdependence and connection, not to show a hierarchy.

I think that another huge thing to point out is that Paul doesn’t say that the man is created first so to stop putting words in his mouth, to stop misquoting him is huge. Because then you have to be thinking, what is Paul saying? He’s not saying that the man was created first. It literally doesn’t say that word in there. And take the phrase created order and to start imposing that onto how you’re interpreting the Bible. Paul says the man is formed first. And then you have to look at the formation going on.

That there’s a completely different word for the idea of taking something that already existed in chapter one and molding it like clay and then breathing life into it and then taking part of the bone and the flesh off and building a woman. I don’t know if you’ve heard something that was kind of new to me that I heard from Tim Mackey was that the word ezer is just one little dot different from the word city.

So like this idea of building an ezer, it’s like an architecture word. It’s like how you’d build an altar, or you’d build a house, or you’d build a city. You look in the New Testament and you have the New City that’s prepared like a bride. There’s some really interesting spiritual stuff going on in this story, right? The natural order shows us that we all got our life from a woman. And so maybe there’s some respect and honor due to women that we all are born of a woman and then this story maybe gives men this idea well everything came from a man, he was first and I think that they really glom onto that as sort of a projection of male superiority but I don’t think that that’s why God gave us that story.

And I actually think the entire creation account is about the Creator. I see Jesus in every in every part of that and Paul does too. In fact, most of what Paul is talking about whenever he’s quoting the creation account, he’s talking about that interconnection. He’s talking about two become one, a head and a body, make He’s talking about the fact that the woman is made, is built from his body and just the same thing with Jesus and his church. The church is being built from the broken body of Jesus and the church is a bride and the church is like a city.

But the big thing to make complementarians, look at it different, it’s just to make them look at what it actually says. You can see that these phrases their framework is dependent on don’t exist in Scripture. I think too it’s important to not misquote Paul. There’s a lot of things that they say Paul is saying and then you look at it and that’s not what he’s saying.

You know, like I talked about the quote, that’s called like the quote refutation view where he’s quoting, I think, the Jewish oral law. But when you look at what he’s actually quoting, if you want to try to make that his actual opinion, it’s pretty extreme. It’s actually a really mean thing to say. I actually just walked away from Christianity when I did a word search I think it’s verse 34, it says something like, the voice of a woman is shameful. And I was like, I’m sure it doesn’t say shameful. Like, I don’t recommend looking up that word, It says the voice of a woman is filthy.

It’s not just saying, women maybe aren’t educated at this time in history and they just need to hush down a little bit and just ask their husbands at home and stay in their place. It’s saying something about the quality of her voice, no matter what she’s saying.

Ruth Perry (29:08)
It’s deragatory.

Jenna (29:09)
Yeah, and to say something’s filthy or shameful is hinting at the idea which was prevalent in the first century, that the voice of a woman is sensual, which you know you still see that in other cultures today. Some of the Muslim majority countries have laws against women speaking in public, because they think it’s immodest. The idea that that’s representative of Paul, I think just doesn’t fit with the rest of his story.

It does fit with who he was before he encountered Christ on the road to Damascus. So you see him confronting his past worldview. You’ve seen Galatians 3.28, he says that there’s neither slave or free, or male or female, or Jew or Gentile. That is almost verbatim a prayer. So he’s refuting what he probably used to pray when he was a Pharisee. So you see him come against the world view that he used to hold to. I think it’s very unlikely that he’s out of nowhere just going back to being a Pharisee.

But I think that sometimes people who don’t power of the gospel, they just kind of synchronize everything in his life. They’re like, oh, well, he was a Pharisee. So he believed that. And they sync that together with who he was as a Christian in Christ. No, he did a 180. Before he was rounding up all the Jesus followers and locking them up and killing them.

You can’t synchronize that with who he is in Christ. He had a conversion experience. Whereas he used to follow those ideas, now he’s partnering with women. Now he’s learning for women. And I think the idea that he’s saying that is just, I think it’s so out of line with everything else that his ministry is about. And I think it’s perfectly in line that he would say that and refute it. There is a quote Rabbi Eliezer that says the voice of a woman is filthy nakedness, and there is also the quote that says little woman know nothing but the use of her distaff like her spitting, so there’s things that are really similar to that idea in the Talmud, but at that time they could have just been Jewish oral laws or slogans and I think it’s very likely that he’s, quoting them and saying, what? Did the Word of God come from you or did it come to you only?

I think that with that passage, just getting people to really look at what it says and to not say that it says something it doesn’t. That was the way it was presented to me. This is about headship. Same with 1st Timothy 2. It’s about headship. It’s about the created order. Paul’s quoting the created order. Well, he’s not. That phrase isn’t being used. And what he’s saying, that the voice of a woman is filthy is nothing to do with the created order. you know? And that’s actually not one of them that he’s quoting the creation account. It’s the 1 Timothy 2 and 1 Corinthians 11 where Paul, specifically quotes the creation account.

So, you you’ve got like this circle where how they’re interpreting the creation account is influencing their view of these two verses and then how they’re interpreting those two verses is influencing their creation account idea. And so it’s like, how do you break that loop? It’s a negative feedback loop. How do you get them to see both sections correctly? You can’t just fix one, right? But the crux of the issue is they don’t see the creation account accurately. They’re convinced that it’s about something different than it’s about, they don’t read that story and think, this is about how men and women were rule together. They were created in a way that they’re interdependent on each other.

Ruth Perry (32:42)
This might be a tangent, but I also think Calvinists don’t start in Genesis 1 and 2. They like to start in Genesis 3 at the fall where we are, you know, original sin, that we are filthy and just totally unworthy of anything from God. Everything is a free gift, which Armenians would agree. Everything is a free gift from God.

But Armenians would start with Genesis 1 and 2 about common grace and the creation of God and the dignity and value of every human life, the very goodness of human beings. But there could be patriarchal Armenians too. And they might allow women to use their gifts in the church, but then they’ll still want that order in the home of male headship and women’s submission.

Jenna (33:21)
Yeah, I’ve seen that. Yeah, I’ve been really intrigued by that. I came across that pretty recently where I was listening to somebody who said, yeah, I believe in male headship in the home, but not in the church. And I had to think about that for a second because that means that you still hold to the idea of the created order in Genesis. But that means it’s only applicable to a man and a woman in marriage. I think a lot of that has to do with how you’re interpreting all the head-body metaphor.

You’re either reading the head-body metaphor as a metaphor about connection and interdependence, or you’re breaking that metaphor and replacing that word with a different word. Headship and authority, those are the same thing, but the metaphor is not a headship and a body. That’s like saying, let’s hike up this trail, meet me at the authority of the river. You’d be like, no, that doesn’t even make sense. So there’s no other place where we use words that way, you know?

And actually, the word in Greek, we have the perfect match in English, the word head in English. It has the same meanings. It can mean your literal head. It can mean authority, like a CEO. And it could mean source, like the head of a river. So it really is like the perfect English word. Usually you don’t have an exact match, it really is head is head. If I’m saying to you, take that hat off your head, I’m not saying take the hat off your authority.

I just don’t understand how people break that metaphor and then think that they’re reading the Bible correctly. I mean, I know what happens is they’re like, well, Jesus is the head of the church. And those are similar things, but can’t you see you can use the same word in different contexts. You can say that Jesus is head over the church, because that’s also true. But that doesn’t mean that men take on every single thing that’s true about Jesus. It’s only in the context of a marriage that a man is a head of a body.

You can’t have more than one of each for that metaphor to work. If you’ve ever seen the umbrellas, the umbrellas are crazy. You can have five umbrellas under one umbrella. If it’s just about authority, there’s not one of each, right? You can’t have two becomes one. It like completely breaks the metaphor.

Ruth Perry (35:14)
That’s not how umbrellas work. You only need one. Yeah.

Jenna (35:26)
Maybe that’s even just like a language issue that people don’t understand where the Bible is using a metaphor. You know, maybe people wanting to be very literal with the way they read the Bible. They’re trying to be literal with the metaphor. But yeah.

Ruth Perry (35:38)
You would also think, if Jesus is head of the church in the way that they want to be head of their church or their wife, then we wouldn’t have 40 something thousand different denominations. We would all be submitted to Christ and look the same, right?

Jenna (35:52)
Yeah, I actually think that the complementarian position’s a little bit more about the unwillingness to let something be less structured than we would like. The unwillingness to sort of hold things with an open hand and say, we are all submitted to Jesus. Jesus is the head of his church. Jesus is building his church. But instead we want to create a structure that looks like the world. We want something hierarchal so that everybody knows what they’re supposed to do. We want to be able to follow rank and have this certain structure that makes sense to us.

And I think, the Bible just doesn’t really give us that. I don’t think that what you see in Romans 16 shows that that’s what there was, at that time. the fact is not even after a lot of persecution that you get a really structured church. And even at that point, you still see women doing that complementarians say that women can’t do today. That’s another thing that’s crazy to me. Just if you look at the history of the church, women have always been trying to do stuff. So this idea that it’s just only women today because of feminism. It’s only women now that are trying to do things that they shouldn’t do. Like throughout history women have just been completely satisfied serving men.

Yeah, there’s there’s so many different aspects that go into it that show it’s not just about what does the bible say because if we could all just like read the same bible and say well you know it says this it doesn’t say this that would be simple right but yeah people are bringing a lot of baggage into the whole discussion

Ruth Perry (37:04)
Yeah. So back to your seven passages, then you move to Genesis 3:16 and you talk about the fall. What do you say about that?

Jenna (37:25)
Yeah, so I think that the major thing to take away from Genesis is just the idea of created versus formed, and to see that the phrase created order needs to be examined, to see what’s actually there. But the Genesis 3:16, it’s crazy how one verse has so much baggage.

But the quickest, easiest thing to take away from that verse without going into the whole history of how it’s been mistranslated is that Paul read it a certain way. It’s different than what you see in most translations today. For the vast majority of church history, I think like for 1500 years, it said turning. It didn’t say, it didn’t even say desire.

Ruth Perry (38:08)
This is where it says your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.

Jenna (38:12)
Yeah, and also if you look at a Septuagint it says, she will be turning towards her husband. He will rule over her. And it’s a prediction, It’s just saying this is what’s going to happen. It’s not saying that he has to rule over her. I think the 2016 ESV actually changed it to your desire will be to control your husband or something like that. And then in the more recent, I think it’s 2025 or 2026, they updated it and went back to desire.

So I think almost every translation today says your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you. And I think that’s fine, but you miss out on the parallelism. if you notice, if you leave it as turning, which is how Paul read it, there’s a reciprocal thing going on where he’s returning to the ground, which is where he came from. That’s what he was formed from. And she is turning towards where she came from.

So you get this idea of repentance almost. Now that there’s sin in the world, now there’s sin and death, the temptation for men and women is to turn back to where they came from, which is turning away from God. And the idea of repentance, at least in the Old Testament, the Hebrew shove, is like you’re turning. You turn to God and you turn away from sin. So, I’m a huge advocate for the idea that that should say turning. I was really moved when I realized that that’s definitely what Paul was looking at. And for most of church history, it has said that. But even if we leave it as desire, that is a crucial verse because complementarians are using that to say that he needs to rule over her. Prescriptive, not in a descriptive way.

And so you have to point that out that God’s not prescribing men to rule over women. That’s the product of the fall. That’s a negative thing. And the other reason why that verse is really important, I have a gigantic ESV study Bible and so it has a lot more footnotes than most Bibles do. But when I was reading the whole passage in First Corinthians 14 and it says, as the law says, my footnote in my ESV had reference to Genesis 3:16. So that means they were interpreting that passage as Paul quoting Genesis 3:16 to silence women.

I don’t know how prevalent that idea is among other complementarians, but it’s something to point out. Really, you think Paul’s quoting Genesis 3:16 and telling women to be silent or to be subject to men? I don’t know. I think that’s a crazy cross-reference.

Ruth Perry (40:37)
Yeah, on this side of the resurrection, we’re supposed to be living a new life and in a new kingdom. And, all of the results of the fall have been defeated.

Jenna (40:40)
Yeah. Yeah, my feeling is that that’s not that common of a view. I think most complementarians, would say, well, there’s headship before, but now it’s a distortion. He’s ruling over her and that’s a negative thing, not a positive thing. I mean there’s so many things that the ESV translation team did that were really a stretch, but to me that, to think that Paul’s quoting that, which means you’re making Genesis 3:16 a law.

And I think it is worthwhile to start with Romans 16, to see this is a really good representation of what was happening, what women did. Like we’re going to talk about women in ministry, let’s look at the passage that has a bunch of women doing ministry and then see what Paul is saying about it and how he seems to feel about it. And then to look at some of these other verses, that are quoting the creation account where they’re getting the idea of created order. Because if you go to interpret 1st Corinthians 11 or 1st Timothy 2, but you think that there was headship before the fall, you’re not gonna see what Paul’s saying, right?

Both of those passages tend to be the only ones that people talk about when they talk about women in ministry. And so many times that you’ll have a woman teaching or preaching or a video explaining the egalitarian position and there’ll just be a comment that is, say first Timothy 2:12. It’s basically like saying, shut up, but it’s a Bible verse reference used like a slap in the face, like a weapon to silence a woman. I don’t think you can really make headway with somebody that has that mentality, but it shows how contagious that idea was, is that Paul basically said women can’t exercise authority over a man. That idea became very contagious.

So I think the most succinct thing to bring up is does that word say exercise authority? And you can actually go to some of the older translations. So the King James version says usurp authority. I think there’s a translation that says domineer. So that’s the crux of the issue is was the woman doing a positive or a negative, because exercise authority is a positive thing throughout. That’s what you’re saying is men exercise authority if they’re a pastor or a leader in the church or exercising authority over men and women. So that’s a positive, but you’re just saying a woman’s not allowed to do that.

So you’re assuming authentein is positive. It’s not used anywhere else in the Bible, first of all, but I think to think that it’s a positive word, of course the ESV needed to translate it “exercise authority” in order to uphold their position. But the fact that they are not able to uphold their position using the older Bible translations should make you wonder. You couldn’t argue for a complementarian worldview just using the King James Version, at least not with this passage, because you’re like, yeah, of course a woman can’t usurp authority. Of course a woman shouldn’t domineer. Of course, nobody should authentein anybody.

Ruth Perry (43:36)
There’s a hermeneutical rule where you don’t make a blanket rule for the church from one verse or from one word like that. You should be able to verify it through the whole testimony of scripture.

Jenna (43:44)
Right, yeah, I have a list that’s like the 10 rules of Bible interpretation and I think I can’t remember the first name, but Gundry, or, there’s a list of scholars that put together a list and that sounds like one of the main points, but yeah, basically you’re not gonna argue for something using something obscure. And so just the simple fact that that word is not used anywhere else in the Bible noteworthy. I’ve never really heard complementarians give a good response to that.

Ruth Perry (44:18)
Or they’ll turn that into a rule for all times and all places, but then say, well, we don’t have to greet each other with a kiss for all times and all places though. Yeah.

Jenna (44:24)
Right? Right, yeah, Paul is giving a lot of personal advice, like bring my cloak back and drink a little wine for your stomach. And there’s all these like personal things and we don’t make doctrine out of it. But also the bigger picture of why is Paul writing to Timothy? What’s going on in Ephesus? Why does he feel the need to make sure this young pastor what these men and women need to be doing in worship because there’s directions for men and there’s directions for women and why in the world would you need to tell women that they’re going to be safe during childbirth? Like in Ephesus in the first century what could he possibly be talking about?

I think that the complementarian position is just so unsatisfactory for interpreting the entire passage because they give you no context. You know, why does Paul feel the need to point out that Adam’s formed first and it was the woman who was deceived. Why is he pointing that out? Is he talking about some women who are deceived? Is he talking about this idea that there’s somebody who’s superior because they were first, they were born first? So it’s like, what’s going on in Ephesus in the first century?

That verse needs to be in context of the whole thing about how the women are dressing and how they’re worried about dying and childbirth. And so, yeah, I think the way complementarians pluck it out and put it in this bullet point list of the nine proofs that men are in charge and to just lump it together with their statement about Paul says that the man was created first, which is them saying that he said something he didn’t. And it is mental gymnastics. It’s also just a really disrespectful way to use scripture.

Ruth Perry (46:05)
So we’ve talked about Romans 16, Genesis 2, and 316. We’ve talked about 1 Corinthians 11, 1 Corinthians 14, 1 Timothy 2:12. That’s six passages. That’s all I wrote down. What was the seventh passage?

Jenna (46:19)
This is probably the hardest one and it’s usually the one that I would bring up last, but you have to get into the whole one woman man thing. It’s in Titus, but I just focus on 1 Timothy 3. You’re already talking about Paul giving advice to Timothy, but there’s a whole section that usually has the chapter heading qualifications for leaders or qualifications for elders or overseers.

And you got this whole list of character qualities. And you have the sentence structure saying, whosoever. And then you’ve got all these male pronouns added in. And the only reason why they add the he’s in there is because they translate the idiom “one woman man” to “husband of one wife.” And that’s a terrible translation because those are different things, right? An idiom, an expression, like a one-horse town is an idiom.

If you told me you know that such and such town is a one horse town and I went there and I came back and I said there’s no horses there. You’d be like, we’re just saying it’s a small town. It’s the same idea. A one woman man is somebody who’s faithful, it’s a character quality and it fits in with that list that’s all character qualities.

And so because they translate that to one woman man, then they start adding in the male pronouns and make that entire passage about men when it’s whosoever. If anyone desires the office of bishop, if anybody stretches out their hand be a leader, that’s a good thing to desire. That is actually the Holy Spirit in you calling you to ministry. And so that passage is for men and women. A one woman man is a woman. So there is another scripture that talks about women like widows or single women. Sometimes I think in the New Testament, widow is not literally to mean that your husband’s dead. It can just mean that you are a single woman.

But there’s a passage that talks about the women who are one men women. So that would be useful to use that phrase, that idiom, if you were only referring to a group of women. But as soon as you’re referring to a group that’s men and women, you have to say a one woman man. That includes everybody. So part of the problem with interpreting this wrong, is not only does it disqualify a lot of people in the New Testament who were not married, and it makes Paul contradict himself, right? Because he actually has a few statements where, especially for women, he’s like, it might be better for you to stay single because you can serve the Lord with your whole heart. You won’t be having to take care of your husband.

I think in some ways, Paul encourages celibacy, especially for ministry, and ministry during persecution. this to like, now you have to be married. And then the idea that people were actually practicing polygamy, you have this culture in Rome where men were having sex with a lot of different people but they only had one wife. He’s not trying to say in order to be a leader you have to not be a polygamist. He’s not saying you have to be married, he’s saying you have to be faithful. And when you look at like the modern church in America there’s a lot of men who are in ministry and, look at the scandals that are coming out weekly, right? So-and-so cheated on their wife. So-and-so was, you involved in some kind of assault situation. According to the ESV’s interpretation of this passage none of these men are one woman man, but they’re all husbands of one wife. They’re all just married to one woman. So they’re qualified for ministry. You know, they’re not.

We should, as a church, interpret this correctly and understand that there is a character that is demanded of people who say, hey, I want to be set over others. I want to be in charge. I want to lead others. Like there needs to be a certain level of character that’s proven there and it’s not about gender.

Ruth Perry (49:57)
Yeah, I mean, it’s really weird just if you think about it, it’s really weird that people would be eligible for leadership because of their body and their equipment. That’s the least of our concerns. It is character and maturity and a life that displays the fruit of the Spirit. And that can be a man or a woman. We all have the Holy Spirit. We’ve all been given gifts. Your sons and your daughters will prophesy.

So if you’re a woman who’s grown up with this complimentarian point of view, but God has called you to something different, I just encourage you to explore more and read more and start at Jenna’s ministry, Ezer Bible. What is your website, Jenna?

Jenna (50:36)
It’s ezerbible.com and there’s a bunch of video courses that I’m putting together. I’m putting together basically guides that you can just print and use on your own, but you can also come into the community and go through a video course that has worksheets and printables and different resources. And the idea is that you would learn and then talk to other people.

I really wanted to learn from other people that are called to be teachers, but also people who are prophetic or evangelists or people who are pastoring. I guess I really view the people in the church as being the gifts, and so I want to be able connected with other people and community. So yeah, I really would like people to come and either follow me on social media or sign up for the free community and just get to know me better and get to learn the Bible better.

One of the things with the New Testament that I’ve put together over the years is that there’s all these things that women are, and they’re not things that women are really told. So like women are one woman men. Women are sons in the New Testament. And this gets into translation stuff, but I actually think you should leave it as sons and not make it sons and daughters. But the idea of sonship is is a huge principle in the New Testament. But women are men of God in the New Testament too, because the word men is anthropoid, it’s human of God. Women are fishers of men. There’s all these things.

I made a list one time of all the things women are in the New Testament. And it’s unfortunate that the way Christianity is presented to so many women is leaving out all these very deep theological concepts, even just the concept of where we have brothers, like the word Adelphoi in the New Testament. There’s some translations that just translate it to brothers and then some say brothers and sisters, but that Greek basically means, from the same womb. You have Christians who are all part of the community all born-again believers, they’re all of the same Spirit, they’re all following the same God. There is this word of unity that is used and I think that that’s been the biggest thing for me as a woman is just seeing all the things that the New Testament calls me that I normally would have excluded myself from.

Ruth Perry (52:42)
That’s awesome. That’s a great place to end for today, Jenna. Thank you so much for all your hard work and sharing your wisdom and your resources with us. And God bless.

Jenna (52:52)
God bless, thank you.


Did you enjoy this episode? Please subscribe, rate or review us on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more! Your support means the world. God bless!

020 I Becky Garrison on Gaslighting for God: Recognizing Spiritual Narcissists and Cultures

Find all of Becky Garrison’s books on Amazon at this link.

I had a lot of fun and a lot of “A ha!” moments reading religious satirist Becky Garrison’s ninth book, Gaslighting for God: A Satirical Guide to Save Yourself from Spiritual Narcissists. Garrison formerly wrote for The Whittenburg Door, a Christian satire magazine. Her social commentary is so insightful. In our conversation, Garrison discusses the intersections of narcissism, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse within religious communities and broader culture. She shares personal experiences, critiques of religious and political figures, and offers guidance on recognizing and resisting narcissistic dynamics. This is a very timely resource and is well-researched and comes from deep expertise.

Key topics in this episode:
Narcissism and spiritual abuse in religious communities
The role of humor and satire in exposing narcissistic dynamics
Personal experiences with narcissistic family and church systems
Connections between political figures like Trump and broader cultural narcissism
Strategies for recognizing and resisting narcissistic manipulation

Here are links for you to follow Garrison’s work:
Buy Gaslighting for God
Becky Garrison Website
Becky Garrison on Substack
YouTube Channel of Becky Garrison

Please enjoy this episode of The Beautiful Kingdom Builders podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is author, journalist, and religious satirist, Becky Garrison, whose most recent book is titled, Gaslighting for God, a satirical guide to saving yourself from spiritual narcissists. Thank you so much for being here today, Becky.

Becky (00:26)
Thank you for having me, much appreciated.

Ruth Perry (00:32)
I just finished your book yesterday and I was really amazed by it. It was really powerful. It wasn’t what I was expecting in some ways and then it was so more deep and insightful than I was expecting in other ways. And so I highly God anyone who wants to learn more about gaslighting and narcissism and how this intersects with the Christian church in America. It’s really fantastic.

But as I was reading your book, one of the thoughts that I kept having was, have producers or writers of the show, Righteous Gemstones, reached out to you, Becky? I think you’d be a great writer!

Becky (01:05)
No, they have not and in fact, I mean that show my only quibble with that show is that in real life Prosperity Gospels would never swear in public. We use words like sugar instead of other words. So that that was my only quibble and I don’t think they would have been quite as sexually up But that’s the Danny McBride did. He likes to have men walking around doing things and he did that but other than that he really captured I think the essence of someone even Eli and even his wife, they were still so caught up in their own narcissism that even the sweet, precious, matriarch, she was still narcissistic as all get out. It was more overt versus covert. But there was clearly an evidence that they never really cared about their congregation. They cared about the numbers and the pews and that’s what I think the ultimate definition of a narcissist versus someone who’s self-absorbed. I mean, we all like attention.

You know to be it’s nice to be recognized. It’s nice to get validated. And sometimes when you have a book coming out or another project and you can get full of your own But you can get a little too full of yourself, but then someone can call you out and say hey, wait a minute knock it off. That could not happen with the Righteous Gemstones. They lack empathy. They lack compassion. They had no self-awareness whatsoever of how their actions were impacting others. There’s also a grandiose sense of self. I am better than you. I am a better human being than you. I am smarter than you. If it’s one of those mean girl things, I look better than you. Whatever it is, I am better than other people. Not just I’m for myself, but I’m full of myself a little bit on times.

Ruth Perry (02:36)
I did appreciate towards the end of your book, you did talk about how it is important for us to take some pride in our work and to enjoy the process of creating things and putting things out there and creating community. And because in the back of my mind, I always have this little niggling thing, like I don’t want to be narcissistic, And sometimes,

Like now starting this podcast, I feel really passionate about putting alternative narratives about Christianity out there rather than the toxic forms that are so pervasive. But I don’t want to be narcissistic. And so I really did appreciate that at the end of your book, how you talked about how taking some pride in your work and like enjoying that process is good.

Becky (03:09)
Mmm. Typically, if you’re asking yourself, am I narcissistic? Odds are you’re not. The kind of celebrity who humblebrags, we’re all a little narcissistic or, I just might be narcissistic about that. Yeah, that person’s a flaming narcissist trying to deflect. But a lot of us, it is something that you struggle with. And I think it’s a legitimate struggle. How do you have an open conversation and admitting your humanity? You might look at your podcast when we can go, damn, someone’s doing better than me.

That’s normal, that’s okay to do. It’s acknowledging, it’s an inability, not there’s another human being on the other end and that person matters and they don’t matter as someone who can give you volunteer hours, who can give you their money, who can give you whatever you need from them, the affirmation, the accolades, et cetera, et cetera. But we all have that it’s important. It’s called either high self-esteem healthy narcissism. That’s what gets me to keep going up and keep going. I believe in what I’m doing. I believe in my work. I believe in it passionately and I will defend it and that might maybe come off as a bit of an a-hole. But that’s the difference between that and a narcissist.

Like if someone’s being kind of rude to me and kind of a jerk and I’m a little bit rude back, that might be justified in my behavior. I’m still going to feel a little something. I hurt someone’s feelings. I feel bad and I should feel a little bad because I hurt someone’s feelings. And what am I going to do to make that better? So I can become more regulated so I don’t snap at someone.

Ruth Perry (04:45)
How do you employing humor impactful when you’re having difficult conversations like this?

Becky (04:52)
Well, there’s role of the satirist, if you think of it. He functions as the court jestor. We keep the king honest. I’m thinking, one of my childhood influences was Monty Python. I was a prenatal Episcopalian. My late father was an Episcopal priest and a sociology professor. Do the math, do the ecclesiology. Yep, I was prenatal Episcopalian.

And so the way in which they lampoon the lunacies, you all can laugh at something collectively. And once you can laugh at something and say, my God, this is absolutely ridiculous. It helps break the energy down. And it really gives us a chance to see, because the point of a satirist is if we can break the idol, smash the idol, you can then see the glimpses of God or goodness underneath, but you first must smash the idol. And we’re in a period right now of a lot of idol smashing and that’s where you’re getting a lot of the pushback is that from the most extreme fundamentalist to the most enlightened guru, everyone has their idol and they love it. I mean, the people would love it. The Wittenberg Door, the progressives. I say this in the book when I would satirize a televangelist, all of a sudden we would satirize Jim Wallace, Tony Campallo, Brian McLaren, the whole emergent church gang. And all of a sudden you would have thought that we committed Harry Carrey on.

You know, it was like, and that’s why I did not understand that versus someone like Jerry Jenkins. So I mentioned the book. We satirized him. How can you not satirize the Left Behind series? You have to do that. It is ripe. I we had the plumbers edition, the Cleft Behind, everything. And he wrote us back and said, Hey, this is funny. I’m open for an interview if you’re up for it. And I did it. And we do not agree on probably anything theologically.

Or very few things we would agree on. But we had one the most pleasant conversations because he was a decent human being. You know, he was not a narcissist. He was kind, he was generous. And we had a very pleasant interview. Other people that I’ve agreed with on almost everything, theologically, and then all of a sudden I’ll just critique them and you would have thought that I did something horrible to them. They just go absolutely like Tasmanian Devil Ballistic.

Until the research in the narcissism. I had no clue what was going on. And now I can watch the news I can watch certain progressive pastors and their conservative counterparts and go yep. That’s a narcissistic meltdown. Okay, I don’t have to take that person seriously because you cannot have a dialogue with a narcissist. You can enjoy their entertainment If there’s no abuse involved, I want to make that clear if there’s abuse you should not be supporting this. But if the person is just a full-blown narcissist and you happen to like their music, you like their performance, go see it. It’s enjoyable. Just don’t expect anything beyond the evening’s fun. I think that’s where especially Christians, we’re looking for a form of a community. You cannot have that with a narcissist. And that’s what you have to give up is the hope that you’ll ever have a community with this person.

Ruth Perry (07:40)
So you have developed a very finely tuned narcissism detector, it seems. And then you also say in your book that coupled with that, you have an intense desire to speak truth to pastoral power. So before we dive into the content of your book, I was curious if you would share what is your personal background and experiences that have shaped you in that way.

Becky (07:45)
Okay. I was born to a hippie father from a very old, genteel southern family. He was the black sheep, to put it kindly, who was, I later discovered in my teens was an alcoholic. I’ve now since realized he was also a narcissist. And I realized that the majority of my extended family were narcissists. He married an enabling earth mother type, both of them died from their addictions in the 1970s. And at that time, the research was not there for alcoholism. So there was a lot of blame, a lot of shame. These were the bad people. And the family was displacing them. And I was also the family white elephant spotter, so to speak, in that I would say, why is so-and-so drunk? Why is this happening? I’m seeing something. And I would continuously be told, you’re making that up. That isn’t true. No, you’re not.

So I now have through the research learned that often the oldest child is the one scapegoat, because they’re the ones who can see the truth. My younger brother was the golden child. My younger sister was the golden beauty and I was the loser dreamer. So I was scape. So this dynamic came from my childhood, but yet my father in his research, I mentioned this in the book, he was studying how to reach those on the fringes. He was researching why were some kids joining SDS and others joining JAPUZA. What was it that was attracting these kids to these radical movements? Neither one of which we now have learning was really proven to be very healthy, but why were kids drawn to wanting to make a better difference? And that put them up to be easily manipulated by people that had more nefarious agendas. So that got it started.

When I discovered the Wittenberg Door, was the perfect outlet for all the anger that I felt about the church I mean I did go to divinity school because there’s a side of silly me thought I wanted to be like my father. Until I realized had I done that I don’t think I’d be here today. The church would have crushed me. I see a lot of my friends that have a similar spirit to me and the institutional church just crushed them. They do so much better when they’re outside the church doing their own thing instead of trying to function within what I would say is a highly narcissistic institution that I’m convinced that the institutional church is dead. I think there’s some individual churches doing some great work, but I think their institutional structure is just too necrotic. And through the Wittenberg Door, we began to satirize that. And that led to a lot of things. I did a lot of the faith and politics stuff. I also started when God’s Politics blog became a best seller.

That’s when I started critiquing the progressives and all of a sudden all the progressives that loved the Door, they loved how we went after the conservatives, that’s when they started to hammer us. They could not accept the fact that there could be narcissism in their midst in a more covert form. As one who grew up with the frozen chosen, as you call the Episcopalies, I would say hell yes, it’s rampant.

Ruth Perry (10:47)
I had a friend on, maybe a month ago to share a story of being a survivor of a marriage with a narcissist and her husband is Benjamin L. Corey, a progressive Christian writer about peace and nonviolence. But then in his personal life, just super controlling and passive aggressive and very much a narcissistic sponge, feeding off of my friend. And I’m just at a loss of how does someone like my friend get any justice? For right now, she was alienated from her children because of litigation after their separation. She can’t even see her children. And so it’s such a frustrating situation.

Becky (11:24)
It is and I don’t have an easy answer. I’m not a lawyer. I can’t give legal advice. I did notice that what was interesting I’m thinking about Phillip Yancey, there’s another case that came into play and that was very frustrating in that revelations came out that he had an affair. There was something involving his assistant that sounded a little nefarious. I mean, she died kind of suddenly in a freak climbing accident in a gym.

Ruth Perry (11:33)
Yeah!

Becky (11:47)
Which if you’re an experienced climber, almost never happens. So I’m still, there’s something a little fishy there. I’m just saying, I think in that case, he would never accept your responsibility. He never, he just said, I’m so great. He viewed the women in his life as pawns. And I think the best we can do is you just speak your truth to power. And I’ve been in that situation that she’s been in. When I saw abuse within the US emergent church movement in 2006, I spoke out.

And I got hammered. I got doxxed. I got cyber bullied. I was not was a very unpleasant situation. And the more I learned, I taught myself what gaslighting was and what scapegoating was, I understood the dynamics of what was happening. I learned how to do gray rock. ‘Cause in the beginning. I appeared crazy.

I would be like, what the, you know, what do you mean? I am not jealous. I am simply pointing out the fact that you claim that you’re inclusive and you have one female speaker. And then once the female speaker got on board, she immediately became just like the men because she had to preserve her place of power. So I was simply saying, you’re promoting religionless Christianity. And there’s a hierarchy. There’s a lot of abuse within this system. There’s this private networks that are spreading all kind of stuff. And because I had not

done enough work on myself and my own trauma triggers, I came off as crazy. I’m not going to recreate how I came off, but it was not to my best interest. So the first thing I say to anybody is get your own self together by finding whatever somatic therapy works for you. For me, it was EMDR. If I had not had EMDR, I don’t think I could have written the book because I would have been too triggered by bringing up past traumas. And I think that’s the first thing I would say is have you done your oxygen mask, taking care of yourself. And the second is what did not exist in 2006 that exists now are support groups. When Tony Jones tried to re-emerge as another emergent church speaker, other people all of a sudden started calling his crap out. That did not happen in 2006. Everybody was still part of, I want to be part of the cool kids crap.

Your friend now has other women who have been through something similar. You know Tia Levings has an excellent list of trauma resources on her page. Her book I Belong to Me is coming out in May. I would give it to her as a gift, you know What do you need to do for yourself? And once you get to that point, I think you’ll be in a better place. Your kids are gonna see a different mother They may be so poisoned in top that that you can’t control but you can control your response to a situation and find other people to support. When I had an experience, my first revelation of the narcissism, I had gotten to a professional and personal relationship with a mindfulness therapist who I’d later discovered is a narcissist. A malignant narcissist at best may even have some psychopathic tendencies. I couldn’t tell if he enjoyed inflicting his pain or he just didn’t care.

But I joined a narcissistic support group and I realized, this is 2016, so the research was much newer than it is now. And I realized I’m not alone. Other women have the same experience. This is a pattern. I could not see the pattern because I believed in the promise of whatever this person was preaching. I believed in the goodness. I had a good heart. I’m an empath and my God, we’re magnets for narcissists.

I’m now narcissistic resistant. Narcissists don’t approach me like they used to. You can become narcissistic resistant. They will go to somebody else. And you have to also get over your fear of missing out. And I’m also over my hypervigilance. If I narcissist, someone that I know has extreme narcissistic tendencies, hurting someone else, I’ll just point it out, but I’m not going to try to rescue people. We’ve made so much progress.

We’re in the narcissistic research right now where alcoholism was in 1980. I started the recovery movement actually in 83. And it was very nascent. There wasn’t a whole lot out there, but we were starting to understand that alcoholism was not a mental illness. It was a very complex dynamic that impacted the entire family. And how was I impacted? Being raised in an extended family of alcoholics who I now realize are many of were narcissists, including the ones that aren’t alcoholics. I mean, it was pretty much, I can count on one hand, the number of extended family members I know that are not narcissists, to be honest. And I began to realize a lot of that. And I think for people, find other people, they exist and you’ll develop a network and you’ll discover you’re not alone.

And once you realize you’re not alone, that eliminates so much of the anxiety and pain that you’re feeling. At least that’s been my experience.

Ruth Perry (16:16)
It does seem like narcissism is such a systemic and widespread issue in our culture today. And just listening to you speak, I’m a pastor’s kid as well, although my parents were teetotalers because they both came from alcoholic families. But that same dynamic was still in the family. also ⁓ dynamic those in my family that you name in your book is manipulators and martyrs.

You were quoting Brad Sargent’s friend, Linda O: “Manipulators and martyrs go together in matched pairs,” and I was thinking about how women are conditioned in the church to make ourselves smaller and to be quiet and meek and gentle and so we’re just trained from a very early age to be the martyr. And then we end up in, a lot of us end up in relationships like this where there’s a manipulator. And part of that is the culture training men too, to be this way where they feel entitled to things and they feel special.

Becky (17:00)
Mm-hmm. And then there’s people like me that just push back from the get-go and we’re always excluded. And it’s taking me a long time to develop sympathy for what I call the mean girls. I’ve been thinking about this and I began to realize that, my sister was a classic mean girl. And what it was is she from the beginning was ranked based on her beauty. She was ranked based on her looks, her ability to present. She never did the beauty pageant cheerleader thing.

But that is one of the dynamics, is that we want our women to look a certain way. We want them to appeal to the male gaze. And if you don’t, in the 70s and 80s, you’d be called lesbian, you’d be called, worse, which was really absolutely horrible for women that actually preferred same-sex relationships. To me, to use that term as a slur is just absolutely god-awful. And I kept telling them, no, I’m not a lesbian. I just don’t want a guy that’s going to be like the husband you guys married kind of thing. You know, and you tell people that sometimes you make a conscious decision that given my family dynamics, I decided it was best that I remained unmarried and without children. just decided that is the best. I cannot give a kid a decent family life. And I also need to do a lot of work on myself so I can now find a lot healthier relationships.

And so I made a conscious decision not to involve innocent humans in my family’s dynamic, which was not an easy decision to make, but it was one that I realized I needed to do because it was not be fair to an innocent third party. I think with the me girls, I just realized they got ahead by using their sexuality. They’re the ones that Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, other women preyed on. They wouldn’t have preyed on me because they could tell by looking at me, I wasn’t going to be that compliant. My attraction to narcissism was more the spiritual guru promising this. That’s where I would be attracted to people. But in terms of just the whole mean girl persona, I I resented those women like crazy for quite a while because they could make your life miserable. If you were the little nerdy writer, those kind of women can just make life hell.

And even today, I encounter them sometimes. I’ll do spirits reporting and beer reporting. I’m often the only woman there, so it’s no big deal. But if I do wine reporting, some of those women can just be absolutely mean girl central. And some of the publicists, and and I used to be worried about that. I used to get really like, I don’t fit into these women. Now I realize we’re all going through something, even these women, these beauty queen patterns. You you see these 24 year olds that are dating 60, 70, 80 year olds, it’s not healthy, but they’re going through something on their gotta be something going on, because a lot of the mean girls are not happy. Because if you are really pleased and content with yourself, you don’t need to be an outraging bitch to other people. You don’t need to do that.

What is it about you that makes them feel like in order for them to affirm you, they have to put you down. And over time, I think these women develop a narcissistic core. I don’t know if my sister, she didn’t start out that way, but over time she became more and more self-centered because her looks, that was her currency.

Ruth Perry (20:08)
When I started reading, I thought that you’d talk a lot more about Trump. I was surprised that you didn’t. And the way that evangelical and conservative Christians have embraced him, even though he appears to many people to be a Machiavellian, like the worst kind of just really dark triad personality type narcissist. What connections do you see between spiritual gaslighting and broader cultural patterns in politics and patriarchy and nationalism and all of those intersections.

Becky (20:37)
I had an agent try to sell this book in 2018. The original book proposal was Trump focused. Publishers didn’t want it. They said, we’re done with Trump books. We have enough books. Steve Hassan did the case against Trump. There is the book, Dangerous Case, Bandy Lee edited a book on the dangerous case of Donald Trump, lays it out. She ended up getting fired, by the way, for diagnosing someone which was very questionable, but still you’re not supposed to diagnose.

I believe that Trump is a symptom. We’ve growing up as a kid. Do you remember Lyndon LaRouche? Do you remember these we’ve always had crackpots. We’ve always had nutcases. The question for me was why in 2016 when they were presented with a slate of reasonable Republican candidates The voters chose Trump that is the question that I wanted to answer it to me. That’s a deeper question that was you brewing for some time now. When you look through his story, we’ve had these church splits that have been simmering and simmering Trump is just when it look at 1979, that’s the year the Episcopal Church first ordained women.

It’s also the formation of the Moral Majority. And it was not founded on abortion. Abortion came out in 1973. Naveen Jeltsin did not give a hoot. Jerry Falwell was quoted, That’s a Catholic issue. But they were really upset about was interracial dating and that’s why they really formed. But they pretty soon had to do, we have to do a family-friendly thing because even in 79 you couldn’t say we’re the white party. You just could not say that and get elected in 79. So we had the Moral Majority.

And then you look at the year I started writing for the Wittenberg Door, 1994 was the year the Republicans took over Congress with the Christian Coalition. And we thought, wow, that’s going to be… And then you found Clinton in 96. In addition to the Monica Lewinsky scandal, he also formed the DLC, which really started to alienate a lot of progressives. You can see a lot of these shifts starting to happen in a lot of years.

We thought in 2008 when Obama was elected, he was the first president to acknowledge atheists at the National Prayer Breakfast. We thought we’re hitting this progressive revolution. in 2016, I was really excited. The DNC put up the most diverse list of candidates ever. We had people of color. We had a gay man, more women, this dynamic lineup. The DNC stacked the deck and gave us Hillary.

And that was the moment I said, we’re going to get President Trump. And my friends who are progressive said, you’re wrong. I said, no. The will of the people were ignored. You have enough Bernie bros that want change. They’re going to vote for change. They did. And that’s how we got Trump. And then in 2020, the Democrats again, had a pretty good lineup, not quite as diverse. They gave us Biden, who we did not want. I felt that the progressives kept stacking the deck and further frustrating. And when people get frustrated and they feel like no one’s listening to them, that’s when they’re susceptible to cult dynamics. That’s when they’re susceptible to saying to they’re not listening to you.

Because guess what? They weren’t. And if people feel that no one is listening to them, they will go to someone who is telling them exactly what they need to hear. That is the moment when people are the most susceptible to joining cults. I think that’s what happened in 2020. And then in 2024, well, we’re going to give you Biden again, even though you don’t really want him. And then at the last minute, we’re going to switch aroo and give you Kamala, who never won a primary, she was never the most popular candidate. And then boom, Trump gets elected again.

I’m looking at this from a broader perspective. I also think that people did not realize in 2024 how bad it was going to get. I think they thought they were taking a malignant narcissist who didn’t care about anybody, but he was going to keep America out of war. He was going keep America first. He was going do something with sensible immigrant. don’t know if sensible is not the word I’ve used, but I think people thought it was going be a continuation of the first term. I don’t think they thought that you could get worse than Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I don’t think they thought you could get worse than Jeff Sessions and Richard Barr. I don’t think they could get worse than whoever was his defense secretary. I mean, the moment Pete Hegsath and they changed his Department of War, this is when I felt it went from malignant narcissism to Machiavellianism. Because in the beginning, I do think there’s a sense that, and anybody who lives in New York City knows this, he does not care about anybody but himself. He’s mobbed up.

The media wanted this conflict circus. I think if we had investigated his ties to Roy Cohn, for example, really thoroughly, this was scary. Roy Cohn was Joseph McCarthy’s lawyer. That was Trump’s lawyer. Roy Cohn repped several mob families. He introduced him to these mob families. And the media didn’t investigate that because I think they wanted the Hillary Trump matchup. That was great for ratings.

putting Biden against Trump, that was hysterical. I mean, that was like watching a really bad Saturday Night Live sketch to watch those two men debate. I was watching this going, no matter who gets elected, we’re either going to be screwed or absolutely completely effed. And in 2024, when they did the switcheroo, I said, this is not, we’re going to get Trump again. And I just knew it. I didn’t know how bad it was going to be.

What people might want to realize is that there’s a difference between a malignant narcissist and full-blown cult. The distinction is a cult leader by nature is an extreme narcissist. They’re also a psychopath, meaning they enjoy what they’re doing. A narcissist doesn’t care a psychopath enjoys. That’s how I distinguish it. And the Machiavellian nature is they want to take over the world. They want domination over their entire universe.

Whereas in our society it just wants to be number one. They don’t feel the need to dominate. They need to be the center of attention, but there’s not this need for the world domination that you see now. And we’ve got ourselves into this pickle and I don’t see the Democrats and the progressives offering candidates that are really going to get us out of it. At least on the presidential level. On the local level, yes, that’s why I’m shifting my focus somewhat, I think we could help rebuild at the local level. How do we care for our neighbor? There’s a difference between Trump and MAGA, and I make that distinction. And where we go from here, I’m not gonna be a politician, I’m not gonna be a fortune teller, but that’s why I didn’t make it Trump specific because this is gonna continue when he’s gone. MAGA is gonna be here. And there are also ardent progressives.

And I think it would help to look at what were legitimate concerns that people had the progressives ignored. And that’s the beginning of a step of healing is to look at that component. Like how many women who were MAHA, they just wanted alternative treatments for their kids. A lot of them, they were not full blown MAGA, but all of sudden they felt the Big Pharma was telling them how to rule their lives.

The Big Pharma was calling them idiots or education was calling them idiots for wanting to homeschool their kids. They wanted to do alternative things that were legal and justified and they were not allowed to do it. You know, women were trying to give their little kid who has epilepsy, giving him CBD and discovering it worked and then being told they couldn’t give it. They had to give the kid pharma drug that A, they couldn’t afford and B, cause their kid to be sick. What would have happened if the women who were interested in natural health had been taken more seriously, would they have gone full blown? So you always have to think of what could you have done? Were you so full of your own hubris and your own self-righteousness that you didn’t listen to what other people were asking and demanding? And I think that’s where I’m seeing the progressive movement is, is are they willing to listen to alternative views?

There’s a large group of people that I think are dissatisfied with everything. What are they going to do about that dissatisfaction? Where can they put that?

Ruth Perry (28:17)
So what is it narcissistic personalities that both woo and wound people?

Becky (28:23)
I would call it the Jekyll-Hyde syndrome. They can be incredibly charismatic. They’re also very tuned into when you’re vulnerable. You see this with certain rather nefarious dating coaches is I will give you what you’re looking for. You’re looking for women empowerment. You’re looking to explore your female sexuality. You’re looking to do better your business. You’re looking to be a better mother. Whatever you are looking for that you’re not finding, they have the answer. And they will just love bomb you to bits. They will give you everything you want. And to the point where you don’t realize how much money you’re spending, how much time you’re spending, because you’re getting that fix. You’re getting that high. You’re getting that adrenaline rush, that oxycutin. You’re getting that, ooh, that dopamine hit. It feels so good to finally be recognized, especially if you come from a background where you haven’t been recognized.

And then the moment, the nanosecond, you disagree. The moment you say, I can’t afford to pay it this month, I need to take some time for myself, I need to step back a little bit. Whatever, you have just drained them of their narcissistic supply. The moment you cut it off, they will turn into to Mr. Hyde and do what is called narcissistic collapse. They will go completely irrational. I think for a lot of us, we do get disappointed. If someone cancels on you last minute, you’re going to be disappointed. But that’s different than someone going completely ballistic. It’s someone saying, I’m disappointed that we’re not making this projections right. What can we do to make this better versus I’m disappointed in you for failing?

After you have a narcissistic collapse hit you, you sit there going what the hell just happened? It’s not as simple like I need to have a talk with you about your work performance or we need to discuss you being a bit cleaner or bit whatever. It’s complete annihilation of you or all of sudden they get with a one out of you, you wrote those three articles I needed you to write to make me feel good, okay, bye, I’m gone. They took what they needed from you and then they left you. Just bye. And you’re starting going, what the hell just happened here? And their words don’t match their actions. And after a while, you start to find yourself going crazy, which is why I find it very helpful to identify the pattern because it keeps you from going crazy.

Now I can identify it and I go, okay, that person’s having narcissistic collapse. I’m going to treat him like a three year old, a toddler. Just walk away. I’m not going to engage. You cannot rationalize with a toddler. You cannot be reasonable. And if you give him his binky or his Nobel Peace Prize, it’s not going to solve anything. It’s a temporary, it’s like a pacifier situation. They’re going to continue to escalate. This is not going to stop until you walk away and then let them find somebody else. And over time, it starts to crumble. And that’s what you’re seeing now is the starting of the crumbling.

Maybe I’m too naive to think that, but I do believe, and I’m looking at the Epstein files to me as the beginning of a revelation of we’re finally starting to see a lot of stuff start to crumble. And that’s a good thing. I say, hallelujah.

Ruth Perry (31:14)
What is the connection to and sex abuse in these kind of high control groups?

Becky (31:20)
Because they can. I do not understand the attraction to children. I do not understand why any man would want to have a relationship with someone who’s not age appropriate. I don’t get it. And I think that some of it is these men do not want adult relationships. They want relationships they can control. Men have always wanted, some have wanted significant younger women, and there’s always women who are willing naive enough.

In the case of children, you start to tell a kid who comes from a very broken home who’s never had any kind of love. They’re so susceptible to being loved bombed. And all of a sudden they’ve never had anything. Wow, I got a couple hundred dollars just for doing this little act. Can’t be that bad. And then before they know it, they’ve been trafficked beyond their beliefs because they didn’t understand what was going on. They didn’t understand the dynamics. An older woman would walk into that and go, what the hell?

But then I’m dealing, like I’m looking into something, as you might have there was a UMC minister in Missouri and she the executive assistant and then the grounds manager for Epstein Island. claims she didn’t see anything. At the time she was studying to be a minister, as I understand And the UMC has suspended her pending investigation because they feel that her involvement this case went against the UMC’s code of ethics around treatment of women. Hallelujah for small victories. However, I’m very shocked that she claimed she saw nothing. I mean, you see the photos of the house. You didn’t think it was odd there was a dentist chair in there. You didn’t think it was odd there were photos of underage girls. There was like Lolita on steroids.

You’re a pastor and I don’t expect a pastor to be a complete intuitive, because we all have different personality types. But if you’re a pastor and you don’t think there’s something wrong with unaccompanied minors getting off of a plane to meet a group of old men, if your spidey sense doesn’t do anything and you claim you saw nothing, then you’re not qualified to be a minister because at a basic core. A minister needs to notice when something that serious is going on. I would expect a pastor to know that youth minister is getting a little too handsy. Yes, that volunteer is being inappropriate. If you can’t even see something as blatantly obvious as underage girls, unaccompanied often with a lot of older men, and you think this is just a pool party, you’re not qualified for ordained ministry.

And the fact that she got called out on it, I’m glad the UMC is doing the right thing. What no one has figured out is how did she meet I want to know how did a UMC minister from Missouri meet Jeffrey Epstein and get offered that job? So always interested in looking at the connections because Epstein has made some referrals. He referred Eric Metaxas’ book to somebody.

Ruth Perry (33:59)
Yeah.

Becky (34:02)
No, I take it back, Ken Starr referred Eric Metaxas’ book to him. And then there was an instance where he forwarded on Rick Warren’s newsletter. Well, okay, what is Ken Starr doing referring the book written by the guy who was one earliest Trump supporters? Eric Metaxas was supporting Trump before anybody else did, just about. So he was a key figure in helping Trump get elected. Why is Ken Barr recommending this Bonhoeffer book, the book is terrible. Every scholar said it’s terrible. Then you have other, references like that. Epstein recommended Dobson’s Dare to Discipline book to a young survivor who was having problems with her family. These are very evangelical books. How are they getting into that network? So far that’s the only Christian connection I’ve been able to find.

Deepak Chopra is another thing. He claims I didn’t do anything inappropriate. And you’re sitting here discussing how, you know, God is a construct, cute girls are real. And I would never go to a guru that said that. That is disgusting. I mean, that is just the way he’s discussing about girls. Like, did you bring me girls? Did you bring me girls? You’re a grown adult male who is responsible, thanks to Oprah in large part, for bringing in all of these concepts of the East to the West. Oprah basically, now that we’ve realized, was a walking show for predators. She gave us Dr. Phil, she gave us Dr. Oz, she gave us the anti-vax movement. She supported John of God. And if you Google John of God in Brazil, he is in jail bizarre medical experiments and pedophilia.

So I think we have to look at ourselves and why did we ever trust Oprah? She’s not trustworthy. Look at all the people she’s introduced us to. She never took any responsibility. She also introduced us to the secret of Dr. Lisa Rankin is someone that I would recommend your listeners check out. She’s one of the people that spoke on Deepak’s stage, one of the few people speaking out. All these people that stood and profited by being connected to Deepak have not spoken out. And yet she did. A few people are speaking out. There’s some outliers who are saying, I’m willing to risk my book contract. I’m willing to risk my speaking, my place on the center stage. I’m willing to do what needs to be done to make this right. Now, why they didn’t speak out before is another story, but they’re speaking out now. And I think this is similar to the Weinstein in the Cosby case. It takes a while to convince people that someone this powerful is this evil.

Ruth Perry (36:24)
I had a funny interaction. I met Eric Metaxas seven or eight years ago. I was homeschooling my children by day and waitressing by night. And I live in the vicinity of Liberty University. And he had a group of conservative influencers at dinner at the steakhouse. And they were there for some event at the Falkirk Center at Liberty. And after the dinner, Eric Metaxas was standing up and he asked me if I knew who he was. And I said, I do know who you are. And he said, that’s so nice. I’m going to let my wife know that you said that. What did I say?

Becky (36:57)
I interviewed him for The Door and this is before the Wilberforce book. He was anti post veggie tales, not quite the best selling author. And it was one of most worst interviews of my life. It’s just all the oxygen in the room was sucked out and he was incredibly full of himself.

But what I appreciate about that was that I could get it, I knew to stay away from it from get-go. It was the progressives. Like I was drawn in to Nadia Bolz Weber, Pete Rollins, that more progressive line of thought. And actually I endorsed some of their stuff in the beginning, because in the beginning it sounded really good. So then all of sudden the moment they became bestselling authors, or if not bestselling in the case of Rollins, the moment they got their little click going.

It was just all of a sudden, ooh, wow. I mean, they were just as obnoxious as Eric Metaxas, but in a slightly subtler way. And it can be really when someone writes something that you believe and then you meet them and you go, crap. And so I’m telling people, take what’s good. Okay, if they wrote something that you enjoy, acknowledge that. There’s nothing wrong with you for taking someone’s words and saying, that word’s really…

Move me but just know that person didn’t live out those teachings, you know and try to find people that did live out those teachings They exist. I mean Henri Nouwen, there was never anything about him and he’s someone that I continue to rely on yes, there were some abuses within the community for him, but it was after his death. He had nothing to do with that There are a lot of good spiritual thinkers that don’t engage in this. So the question is don’t kick yourself, but then look and say where can I find better fruit?

Where can I find fruit from people who like that? Which is why I continue to recommend Tia Leving. There’s a lot of people in the religious trauma field that I tell people, be careful. Similar to the recovery movement. There’s people out there wanting to make a name for themselves as deconstruction coaches, religious trauma coaches, whatever you want to help someone with their faith. And that’s why I say I’m a writer. I mean, have an MSW.

Actually clinical social work is going to be particular, but I’m not licensed right now and I am going to sell myself as a writer. I am not going to sell myself as a life coach. I’m gonna stay in my own lane, I’m gonna leave that up to qualified trauma therapists who are working currently in that field and I will provide the education to hopefully give people the awareness that yeah maybe that kind of help would be helpful for me. But there are, a lot of people out there trying to sell you their own shtick and there’s some really good solid voices. And it’s important to kind of distinguish between the two of them. And it takes a while. I mean, to me, one of the biggest things is do you get a sense of community around them? Do you get a sense of care?

Or it’s all about them and their accomplishments and what they can do and what their success rate And we’re kind of in this gray kind of new frontier. The research in the narcissism is only about 10 years old. You still have a lot of therapists that think religious trauma is BS. They don’t think that you get trauma from a religious experience. So there’s a lot of education that needs to happen. Similar to where I said where alcoholism was in the 1980s.

Ruth Perry (40:00)
I also had EMDR therapy because I realized been reading about religious trauma for a long and it didn’t ever occur to me that I had religious trauma. But then it kind of clicked in place after many years of like myself just trying to make sense of all the different things I had experienced in the church and often very painful and things and having that EMDR therapy was extremely helpful.

Becky (40:26)
Oh yeah, and it’s not the only form of therapy that could work. There are other somatic forms. There’s brain spotting, emotional isometrics, a lot of different treatments. And you find a therapist that works for you. How I chose my therapist for EMDR is I began to ask and see, did she really listen to me? Like I described to her that I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to have kids. And I was describing my relationship status and whatnot.

I look to see in her eyes, was she judging You know, is saying that whatever choices, if I make healthy legal lifestyle choices, those should be mine. Like if you want to legally choose to be a sex, if you want to become a sex worker, that’s your personal decision versus being coerced into something. So I’d say when you go to a therapist, how does that therapist treat you? Do you get any kind of a creepy vibe? Get the hell out of there.

Find another therapist. There’s plenty of therapists that do EMDR, that do somatic work. And a lot of that is for women. Your gut is such a good tool and we don’t use it. We kind of just say, I’m not feeling good. I’ll just go take some Pepto-Bismol. We don’t tune into why are you feeling that? No, don’t medicate that. Don’t drink it away. You don’t need a glass of wine to deal with this. Think of why you’re feeling this way.

And that tells you something isn’t quite right. Now, this therapist might be right for somebody else, but it’s not right for you. Not everything is narcissistic. But something just might not be right for you. The more you’re in tune with what you need and what you want, you’re not going to be coerced into just doing and going along with what everybody else says.

And you also don’t hear what the mean girls say, which for women, I think that’s something that we really need to focus on because a lot of the mean girls got ahead and those of us who weren’t mean girls didn’t get the job. But what I’m starting to realize now is they paid a price for getting that job. They have had to sacrifice their looks. I mean, we can make fun of Maro Lago face all we want, but those women had to subject whoever they are to so deep inside of them that it’s almost like there’s not a person there anymore. I don’t know if they were born that way, I don’t know a lot of their childhoods, but they’ve become an incredibly self-centered narcissistic person that can only think of themselves from their own lens of beauty. And they’re doing whatever they can do to maintain their place of power. That is clearly a narcissistic move. I don’t know how many of them started out that way.

I suspect it’s like my sister that they were told from a very young age, they’re beautiful. Were never told they were smart. Were never told they could do whatever they wanted to do. So they began to focus primarily on developing their looks. And as they got to be in their thirties and forties, it got even harsher. You know, they had to continue to maintain that persona.

Ruth Perry (43:02)
Well, your book is a very helpful guide, social commentary that you give and your insight and how well you understand what is going on and how well you describe all these terms mean. Narcissism, gaslighting, the echo chamber. There’s so many different things that you describe and explain and it seems like you’ve read a hundred books in the process of writing this book.

Becky (43:24)
Well, it helps to read all the research that’s out there. And in fact, a lot of the narcissism books, what I didn’t like about it was they were focusing on dating, or parenting, which I think is an important thing. But it was also having a black and white view. And I take a gray view, which is why I said, if something’s risen to the level of malignancy, like what I was finding in the U.S. Emergent Church world, then I feel it’s wrong to participate in that group’s activities because you’re supporting an abusive culture. But if someone is just a full blown self-centered narcissist, but yet you enjoy their comedy show, I we don’t evaluate musicians or actresses or we say we like the show. And I found that by looking at something like, okay, I like your show. It really changes how I feel because I’m not looking to form a community.

I’m looking to have an enjoyable evening enjoying the social lubricant because we all need some degree of social lubricant. We have a loneliness epidemic. But I’ve also learned it’s okay to be alone. It’s better to be alone than to be trying to get the approval of a narcissistic system, a narcissistic community. And I was one of these Uber volunteers. I love to help. And for me, just pulling back and saying, nope, not going to do it. That’s been life changing for me truly.

And you can find communities that care. I go to tasting rooms like Misara, this winery run by a Persian winemaker and have an incredibly connected experience. At Kristoff Farms, Nick Kristoff and his wife, they do cider and community building conversations through cider and their Pinot Noir wines. There ways, even though you can say, oh, this one aspect of the industry is very narcissistic and superficial and only cares about wine scores and who’s this and who’s that. There’s another side that’s really connective and really community and grounded in sustainability. And I tell people, my reporting, I look to do stuff that’s reporting on sustainability, community, spirituality. And I consciously look for things that have those elements. If they don’t have it, I might say, this is a nice evening. Nice dinner, nice glass of wine, nice music, nice show. But I’m not gonna expect that to be my community connective place. I’m gonna go to those community connective places that really care about me. And it’s life changing once you can learn to make that shift. And I wish the best for everybody. But take care of yourself, for your friend and find other people.

There are other people like you. This is emerging as more and more of us start to come to these awarenesses. We’re finding other support groups. Tons of podcasts. I’ve been on a number of them and you know, there’s a lot of conversations happening, how to find authenticity. I think people are searching for that in this world. And I don’t think you can find it at the national level, but I think you can find it at the grassroots level.

Ruth Perry (46:02)
Thank you so much for all the work you’ve done to be a guide to others into this more hopeful and healthy way to live. Where is the best place for people to find you online and find your work?

Becky (46:12)
Well, it’s available to any online, most online retailers. My sub stack is, you Google Becky Garrison or Gaslighting for God. It’s my sub stack. That’s where I post a number of pieces. I also have a Facebook author page, Becky Garrison writer, and then an Instagram is Becky underscore Garrison. I’m also on LinkedIn as Becky Garrison and there’s a YouTube channel. So, but I don’t use the latter two that frequently. I’m also moving more and more towards Substack because I find out can have more substantial conversations there. The noise in Meta Universe is just not helpful and I’m not going to pay to play with Mark Zuckerberg. He does not deserve my money.

Ruth Perry (46:49)
Well thank you so much for being here today Becky. Would you like to have the last word before we sign off?

Becky (46:53)
No, well, just thank you for the work that you’re doing as well. I have not lost my optimism that first drew me to narcissistic energies. I just am now being far more discerning. I would say to them, be an optimist, but also be a discerning optimist, not a naive.

Ruth Perry (47:09)
Alright, thank you so much. God bless, Becky.

Becky (47:11)
You too, thank you so much.


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