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014 I Wendy McCaig on Embracing Community Development

Wendy McCaig is the founder and Executive Director of Embrace Communities, a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening neighborhoods through community development. She has her M.Div from Baptist Theological Seminary in Richmond, VA. In 2009, Wendy was trained in Asset Based Community Development (ABCD) and in 2021 was invited to become a steward (faculty) for the ABCD Institute.  She is the author of From the Sanctuary to the Streets and Power Shift: A Field Guide for Community Cultivators Everywhere which serves as the core curriculum for Embrace Communities’ ABCD training. 

Wendy has spent decades cultivating strong communities – initially within faith communities, then across Metro Richmond, and now through a global network. Since 2012, Wendy has been coaching and training institutions in how to strengthen communities from the inside out using ABCD. Wendy recently moved to my area in rural Virginia and I am excited to see how God uses her to catalyze my community into greater belonging and purpose together!

In this conversation, we dive deep into the inspiring journey of Wendy, from her infertility bargain with God to her path to ministry, and her unique experiences in ministry as a community developer. She describes the transformative power of building relationships in community work and emphasizes the need for churches to empower communities, release and support dreamers, and recognize hidden assets, as those closest to the problems are also closest to the solutions. And Wendy highlights the significance of spiritual disciplines in sustaining long-term commitment to justice and reconciliation work.

In an age of church decline and stark divisions, Wendy offers an important message about being the Kingdom of God outside of the walls of our sanctuaries, bringing salt and light to our neighbors and asking what our church can do to strengthen our communities. You can subscribe to Wendy on Substack to keep in touch with her apostolic vision for ministry today.

You can listen to our conversation on The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more! If you find our conversation helpful, please share it with a friend, rate and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode! I started a Pinterest Board as well, where I am putting any books that are mentioned on the podcast. Check that out here.

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is Wendy McCaig, the founder and executive director of Embrace Communities, a faith-based nonprofit that strengthens low-income neighborhoods through an asset-based community development approach, which I’m excited to talk about today. Wendy holds a Master’s of Divinity from Baptist Theological Seminary in Richmond. And she is a prolific writer. She has a book called From the Sanctuary to the Streets, How the Dreams of One City’s Homeless Sparked a Faith Revolution. And she’s got writing on her website, wendymccaig.com. Thank you so much, Wendy, for being here today.

Wendy McCaig (00:50)
It’s great to be here.

Ruth Perry (00:52)
Before we talk about your ministry and your work, could you take us back and tell us about your faith background and the journey that you’ve had with Christ and how you found your spiritual giftings in your calling?

Wendy McCaig (01:04)
Actually your previous guest, Kathy Escobar and as I was listening to her journey, it mirrors mine a lot. I did not grow up in the church, but I was born and raised in a small town in central Texas, and it’s really hard to stay unchurched in the Bible Belt, but I managed to do it until I was in my late 20s. And I endured multiple miscarriages in my young adult years and that launched me on a journey.

My grandmother was a woman of faith and as I was grieving she said, well have you thought about praying about it? I always dismissed grandma, sorry grandma, but now it’s just like sure sure, but you know when you reach the bottom and nothing in your own power is seemingly helpful. I reached that place and just prayed a very, very simple prayer, and it was kind of like a bargain, like, okay, God, if you give me a baby, I will dedicate my life to you. Right?

And somehow even that twisted, manipulative way in which I was praying, God honored, and, the baby I was carrying, they had, determined that it was a non-viable pregnancy, but when we went in to go through the procedure, they found a heartbeat. So my eldest is a miracle, an absolute miracle.

And it was such a miraculous thing to have happen that I decided to honor my end of the equation and I had been drugged to church with a few friends, you know, through the years, but I had never committed to being a part of a faith community. And at that point I did. And I joined a ELCA Lutheran church in our little community and I started getting involved.

And I’d never owned a Bible, and I started going to everything. I went to Bible study, and they were people who’d been in the church their whole life. And so when the leader would say, turn to Leviticus, my heart would stop. I’m like, what is that? I had no idea. So I went to the pastor and I was like, look, you guys are all really nice and everything, but I have no idea what you were talking about. And they knew when to stand up and when to sit down and what words to say. And it was overwhelming to me.

And he said, well, what you really need is a small group. And this was in the early 90s. And I was like, what is that? And he was like, well, it’s a great place to really deepen your faith. And so he hosted this meeting and he invited the whole church to come and talk about this whole new idea of small groups. And he did this great pitch, if you want to grow, this is the way to do it. And I’m like, woo hoo, I’m so excited. Can’t wait to join this small group, right?

So then he gets to the end and he was like, okay, now who here is willing to lead this? And it was crickets. And I sat there and my heart just fell to the floor. I’m like, I guess I’ll never grow. I guess I’ll never have this chance. And then there’s this like stupid idea in my head. And before I knew it, like my hand was doing this. And here I am, the only person sitting in the room who’s never studied the Bible, had just gotten a brand new one from the pastor, didn’t know her way around anything. And all of a sudden I’m leading the first small group.

And the pastor looked out and he was like, Thanks, Wendy. I could tell he was like, you are not what I was fishing for. He turned to this other couple and he was like, Candy and Randy, y’all have been in the church a really long time. Would you help Wendy? that’s how I became a small group coordinator. I started the first small group. I absolutely loved it. I loved the interaction. I loved asking questions. I loved digging into stuff and things you can’t do in worship. It fed my soul and then Pastor Kerry was our pastor and he was like, Wendy, you’re really good at this.

I had been working as an auditor. That’s my training. I have a degree in accounting, but I really wanted to stay home with my baby. And so I quit my job in corporate America, went to work for a church, working 10 hours a week, making $10 an hour and was never happier. It was a huge leap of faith. And so I became their first small group coordinator and that’s my entry into ministry was through small group ministry.

From there we moved from Katy, Texas up to the Woodlands and I got involved in church leadership at that time. Now we’re talking like mid-90s, the whole like seeker movement had just really taken off and my pastor at the time invited me to go to Willow Creek and I read everything from The Purpose-Driven Church, The Purpose-Driven Life, I was gobbling up all of this kind of seeker movement because that was me, right?

Like I felt so weird in this liturgical church with no background and I wanted people to experience the depth without having to have the history of knowing when to do everything. So my father passed away. My father died by suicide. So that was definitely a turning moment for me. And for a season, I just wanted to disappear.

I was really active in the church at the time, but I just needed a space to heal. And so we found ourselves in a seeker church that went from 800 to 8,000 in the few years that we were there. And I could disappear. I mean, it’s pretty easy to disappear in a room of 800 to 8,000 people. But over time, I did get more involved in church leadership, started doing children’s ministry and all kinds of stuff. And that church was non-denominational, but if you scratched the surface you would discover Baptist. I didn’t understand really the difference until I was told as a woman I could never be called a pastor and that I better make sure that nobody confused me for one. And that was devastating because in corporate America, I never encountered that level of sexism and I didn’t grow up in the church. So this was really mind-blowing to me.

My husband used to work for Enron; that didn’t go so well. So we ended up in Virginia and that gave me an opportunity to go seminary because we’re in Richmond there was seminary I went to a Cooperative Baptist seminary and I discovered not all Baptists are created the same and really loved my seminary journey and that led me into the missional church movement. During that time period the missional church, Shane Claiborne’s book had just come out and it was really exciting time for me and I started volunteering with individuals experiencing homelessness.

That led me into the field of community development. I started the largest furniture bank on the Eastern Seaboard. I was involved in churches. It was just a lot of missional style work. And that led me to asset-based community development. And I started coaching and training churches in ABCD, doing inner city ministry, working in neighborhoods and did that for a decade or so.

But what I saw was congregations independently really were not sustaining the development efforts and often the inside out way of doing ABCD, which hopefully we’ll dive more into what that is really hard. It’s really, really, really hard for churches to get this mindset shift.

We were primarily training churches, then started training multi-sector groups, and I now coach and train folks who are doing this across the globe. And so my primary role is as a network weaver. So I work with grassroots community connectors, community cultivators, working in schools, working in neighborhoods, working in different affinity groups, cultivating community is my primary thing. I know when you read the intro you mentioned working in the inner city not not really I work everywhere and the principles of ABCD are applicable to any type of community.

So that’s kind of my journey from inside the walls to outside the walls to across large swaths of community.

Ruth Perry (09:12)
Yeah, I’m really delighted to have met you. You moved to my little rural area now, and I’m excited to see what the Lord does through you here. And your whole testimony is so moving and exciting. Your enthusiasm is beautiful. And I think that your coming to the church, being unchurched, definitely lends you to just naturally be more missional, I think, than those of us who grew up in the church who are just kind of stuck in our traditions and this is the way you do it and this is the way we’ve always done it. So coming with fresh eyes is probably a real gift that you bring to the church and to ministry.

Wendy McCaig (09:42)
I think it is in some ways helpful. I think it sometimes, you know, kind of a disconnect between those who think about the goal of the church as to grow the church. And I have always kind of looked at the role of the church is to strengthen the community and be kind of that salt and light in the world. And I understand that for many people, the church is their refuge. It’s a place of healing that’s very personal and meaningful and knocking down those walls or erasing the lines between the ones on the inside and the outside.

It’s not for everybody. It’s that apostolic calling, you know, that deep commitment to love of neighbor balanced with the love of, you know, loving God at the same time. That’s really not as easy as I naively thought it was going to be. When I read Toxic Charity, was like, woohoo! Everybody’s going to get this. Everybody’s going to embrace this. No, it’s not. And we keep snapping back to those old ways of doing things without ever really thinking about why and how we got to where we are, where we’re going and what the world looks like today.

Ruth Perry (11:12)
Yeah. This sounds like your language of living between two worlds. When you had suburban church life on one hand and then the realities of the inner city right there and your heart for that. What did standing on that bridge teach you about the gospel?

Wendy McCaig (11:14)
It’s a gift that sometimes feels like a curse. Yeah, when I think about it, you know, so much of my journey has been a kind of an expanding of seeing bigger thinking about that one side not just specifically, kind of the suburban church or the affluent church and those on the margins, which was kind of probably the way I described it in the early days. It’s more about those that see themselves as part of a dominant culture, a dominant narrative and everyone else. And in our current times, the everyone else category seems to be getting larger.

And those lines are getting so much firmer or they feel so much sharper to me and especially in parts of the Christian tradition right now that are leaning into these more exclusive definitions of who’s in and who’s out. And so that standing on the bridge, I feel I’ve always felt called to the middle of the bridge to try to bring people together in conversation. Like when I write, one of my principles is to write to unite. But increasingly that is hard to do. And I get criticism from those on both sides of the bridge.

Because a lot of people right now think the center of the bridge has collapsed and if they head toward it they’re going to fall into a chasm and we have this binary thinking right now that you’re either this or that and we can’t hold those tensions in a way that reestablishes the connection that bridge connection and it’s extremely challenging right now and for me personally.

When I was in Richmond, I lived in a community where I felt like my values were kind of the same as my neighbors, especially when I lived in an urban community. I don’t know that that’s, I think probably that’s true for the majority of my neighbors, I just visually get cues that it’s not, like the Confederate flags that fly all around us. It makes me wonder what narratives are playing out in my new community. And I’m so new that I don’t understand. And so I have to enter curious and willing to learn instead of ascribing my meaning, and then I blow up the bridge and I kind of get my own way. So I’m trying not to do that, but it’s challenging. It’s a really different culture. I grew up in small town Texas. So it’s really, I just have to remember my roots and that there’s good people everywhere. I haven’t found a whole lot behind Confederate flags, but I haven’t looked.

Ruth Perry (14:10)
Yeah. In your work, you also suggest that the richest expression of Christian faith often happens outside of Sunday worship. What does that look like,

Wendy McCaig (14:20)
So when we first started, I started working with individuals experiencing homelessness. I had a women’s ministry that I had started in Woodlake, which is an affluent middle-class community. And we had 70 women in seven small groups that were all gathering. And I started asking them, if you could do anything to change the world, what would you do? And the number one thing I heard was people saying, we have so much out here in the suburbs, but our neighbors in the city don’t. And so I had a chance encounter with a woman who was experiencing homelessness. She and I became friends. We started what became the largest furniture bank on the Eastern seaboard.

At the time we were gathering once a month, we would collect stuff in my garage. I would haul it and pick up trucks, me and my neighbors, down to this abandoned United Methodist Church in the middle of city. We would throw it all on the yard. We’d pray over it that it’d find a home. And we started networking with homeless shelters. So as people were exiting the shelter, they would come, they’re giant free yard sale and take what they needed.

We started inviting, started practicing this hospitality. Every person who came to receive assistance, I asked them, would you come back and help the next family in need? And about 20, 25 % did. And what I watched was those suburban neighbors who came to the city next my new friends from the city who were coming out of unsheltered status became friends.

And so we would sit around and eat fried chicken and pray for each other. And it was the most beautiful expression of what I imagined the kingdom could look like. Because in that act of serving together, everyone’s gifts counted. There was no giver, no receiver in that team. We were one. And what we learned about each other and each other’s journeys, most of us were moms.

And so we had this deep connection. Our kids would run around this old abandoned church. My daughter has so many memories of playing with kids and I mean, we were family and that was my first taste of it. And I was hooked from then on out. I was like, this is real church for me, for someone like myself.

After that I started working in a community called Hillside Court. So it’s a public housing complex. And what we saw was those that were coming through the experience of housing, a significant percentage at that time were losing their housing. And so they were coming back through to receive. And what we realized is that those individuals who were serving with us, when they went into housing, they had a family, they had us, if something went wrong, and let’s say they had an unexpected bill, medical bill or the car broke down or whatever. We were able with very low funds to keep people in housing.

And so we realized the stuff is nice, right? But it wasn’t changing the outcome. What was changing the outcome was people in relationship, authentic, deep relationship. So I spun the furniture bank off to Caritas, the largest homeless services provider in Richmond. And I started doing community development work in Hillside Court.

And it was remarkable. I mean, we just asking the community members if you could do anything to strengthen this community, what would you do? And the number one thing we heard was keep the children safe. Okay, what would you do to keep the children safe? Because there was gun violence, significant gun violence, people literally being gunned down in the street and then two teenagers were shot. And it was like, reached the point where the community had to do something.

And Lindsay Gulletly and Patrice Shelton, they said, if we could do anything, we would provide activities for young people. And so that launched a new community development effort around Keep the Kids Safe. And we had 10 resident-led initiatives that emerged over the next five years. And it became that same experience.

Once a month, we had Fellowship Day. We had church groups bring in the meat, like fried chicken or whatever it was and all the residents would cook. It was a big, giant, community-wide potluck dinner with hundreds of people. And we would baptize people with t-shirts if they volunteered. And so my understanding, if Jesus were here right now, what would this look like? You know, when Jesus is with people, He’s in their life, He’s in their world.

It’s not like, okay, today we’re going to feed the 5,000 come to the temple, we’re going to do it at the temple. You know, like that’s not what I see. It’s, it’s doing life where people are joining in where people are. And then inviting people to be a part of the solution. If you have some fish and some lows, let’s see what we can do with it. You know, it’s just that willingness to use what’s already there.

So Brooklyn Park was the next community I went to. I moved into that historically black community with a rich, rich history. Same thing happened. Moved from Brooklyn Park out here to middle of nowhere Virginia. And I would say it’s still a little early, but finding you and Kay and all of the folks in my backyard that care about this kind of thing. Stay tuned. I have no idea what will happen. And that’s what’s so fun. It’s a fun, fun thing to watch. When everybody gives what they have to achieve their wildest dreams for their community, cool stuff happens.

Ruth Perry (19:38)
Especially when you got a cool catalyzer like yourself that comes in and gets people together and gets them thinking. Can you explain what the asset-based community development approach is? What does that mean?

Wendy McCaig (19:51)
Yeah, so asset-based community development was developed by John McKnight and Jody Kretzman, and it actually got its naming more in academia. So they traveled across the country. They interviewed like 3000 communities about what made them strong and they identified six assets.

And so the official definition of ABCD is that ABCD considers the local assets as the primary building blocks for sustainable community, building on the skills, talents of the residents, and the power of local groups, supportive functions of associations. The way I like to think about it is simpler. Everyone has a gift. Everyone has a dream. If you discover the shared dream, people will invest their gift and bring that dream to life.

And so that’s pretty much the process is this discovery process that you go to. And ABCD is simply a tool for that. It’s a way of seeing the world. And when I wrote Power Shift, which is my second book that we use as the curriculum for my training, I wanted to kind of make it really easy to remember. So I love organic metaphors. So imagine you’re growing a tree, you know, that tree, what kind of tree you can grow depends on what kind of soil you have. And that soil is made up of particles of this bedrock of those rocks underneath. And so I really wanted to zoom in on four bedrock principles of ABCD.

And those bedrock principles are asset-based lenses, like how are we looking at the world? And I think Philippians 4.8 is the most helpful, that we are focusing on what is true, what is noble, what is right, what is pure, what is lovely, what is admirable, that’s asset-based lenses. So if we get in a room, and all we want to talk about is what we don’t have. We want to talk about how we need more children in the church and we need more tithers and we need more and we need more. All that does is suck the life out of the room. You can’t build on broken.

You’ve got to figure out what do you have? What are those building blocks? So asset-based lenses helps you see the world for what’s already there. And the role of a pastor in helping the church see its abundance is one of the greatest transformational practices.

The second is around hospitality. So the second bedrock principle is bond-building relationships. We have a lot of service providers that say that they’re building relationship, but they’re really not. It’s very transactional. If your church is doing a food pantry and during COVID you went through the line and somebody bags the groceries and gives it to you through your car window and that is not a relationship, that is a transaction. Transactions do not transform people the way relationships do.

And so bond building relationships are peer to peer connections and the practice of hospitality. When you look at Jesus, like he was always at parties and dinners and like he was having fun with people, like hanging out, doing life. That is our core practice for ABCD is, you know, people are like, well, how do you get started? Throw a party, like invite people over.

Go out for coffee. Like It’s not rocket science, but it’s that presencing. It’s that willingness to sit and be and listen and discover stories. Like, So that bond building relationship is critical. The third is community driven action. And what, what that principle is about is don’t expect the outside group to come in and do for your community. Be the body.

You’ve got all the parts. I believe that in every single community, the spirit has assembled. It’s kind of like those dry bones and they’re all spread out all over the place. How do we bring those bones together? How is that breath of life breathed in? Those relationships are like the tendons that hold those bones together. So thinking about community-driven action is us living into our purpose. And the final principle is developmental impact. So we’re not just bringing the body together and saying, okay, body, let’s go lay on a beach and soak up the sun. It’s like, why? What is our why? What is our purpose? What is our shared calling? What is it that spirit is doing in this place at this time?

And so that grows out of community listening. So that’s our first capacity building process that I teach churches and others to do. In the church we call it holy listening and you’re going to be a part of an experiment. So I’m going to try doing holy listening with a whole church, now granted it’s very small church, with a whole church in a few weeks to discover what are their gifts, what is their shared dream. And to start to imagine if those two pieces came together, what would that make possible? So that’s ABCD in what, five minutes or less? I don’t know.

Ruth Perry (25:01)
Good job. That’s really, really compelling. Yeah, I love all of it. How does seeing people as asset holders rather than problems change ministry relationships?

Wendy McCaig (25:12)
Yeah, so a lot of times to help people understand this practice of hospitality, I read this book in seminary and right now it’s escaping me. But she talked about how hospitality is reciprocal and that when we only see one half of the equation where we’re the givers and I think sometimes faith language is problematic because we see ourselves as servants and servant leadership. I’ve gotten to where I don’t use that language because it it’s missing the reciprocal.

The last chapter in John McKnight’s first book, talks about Jesus saying, no longer do I call you servants, I call you friends. That idea of friending, of mutuality, of exchange, that doesn’t happen until people see the gifts of others. And so one of the ways I help into my trainings for people to get this is I would have two people face each other, volunteers. One puts their arms out wide and the other has Velcro on their hands and they have to stand like a board. And then the one with their arms out gives the other one a big hug.

And then I ask them what that felt like, and the person who goes to give the hug you know always says it felt weird because the other person couldn’t give back. They couldn’t hug back. if you’ve ever, if you have a teenager like mine, you’ve experienced the one way hug, right? Like it’s just part of mothering a teenager and it is, there’s just something wrong about it. It just really feels weird because we are hardwired, We are just, it’s in our nature to want to give back and the greatest need of

anybody, any community is the need to be needed. And when we don’t invite people to give whatever gift they have, it could be a smile, it could be a kind word. Like everybody has a gift to give. If we don’t invite that, we are telling people they have nothing to contribute to this. We got it. We got this. You go sit down. You do nothing. Let me serve you.

Sometimes people are in crisis and that’s what they need, right? But not everyone all the time. And so it’s that reciprocal nature that it makes possible. And that is transformative for everyone in the equation. Not just those who have come to receive something. If they get to give, then somebody else is receiving. And within the church, what I found is people have a really hard time receiving.

Church members who their whole life pride themselves on being a servant and serving others really struggle with receiving. So that’s one of the homework assignments that I like to give out when I’m training in churches. And I’ve heard some amazing stories of how the gift of receiving gave the gift of giving to someone else.

Ruth Perry (28:02)
That is so true. I was just talking with one of my elderly parishioners and she’s still, in her mid 80s, still doing, doing, for her children and her grandchildren and doesn’t like to receive any care from them. And she prays to God that they’ll never have to take her in and care for her. And I think it’s that need to just be the servant and not receive.

And I’m also thinking about how you grew up in the, or you didn’t grow up, but you experienced the Baptist Church. And that was the tradition that I grew up in. And so I had that idea that God had an order to things. And this idea of hierarchies. And it was really transformative for me to realize looking back in Genesis and never seeing it before, but God gave dominion to Adam and Eve, both of them.

I think reading Lisa Sharon Harper’s The Very Good Gospel is where I had the recognition that God didn’t just give Adam and Eve dominion, he gave every human being dominion. We all have the capacity to have dominion. And I’ve realized as a woman undoing patriarchy that women are the best guides out of patriarchy. And so the poor are the best guides out of poverty. We should look to the people on the margins to be our leaders in these areas where there are hierarchies that need to be taken down.

Wendy McCaig (29:16)
Absolutely. So ABCD operates under the principle of subsidiarity, which basically says the individual closest to the challenge is closest to the solution. And listening and centering the voices of those who are most impacted by whatever decisions get made. I think a lot of our current, well, yeah, we’ll have an advisory circle, right? But they don’t have the power.

And so in Power Shift, we really focus on how do we transfer decision-making power. And if you can get bond building and you can start building relationships, then you have to start asking yourself, who made the decision on what day our food, meat feeding ministry is happening? Who made the decision on what food gets, but you know, who made the decision on how long it like, like the transferring of decision-making power is exceptionally difficult especially in high control religion.

And yeah it’s a journey for a lot of different faith communities to start to lean into these principles little by little and and I’m kind of a dive into the deep end of the pool kind of girl. And a lot of my friends that were born and raised in the church are like, what’s the kiddie pool version? You’re not going to get them jumping off the high dive, Wendy. You need to like give people a way to acclimate to the waters. so I’m over the years recognize that about myself. I tend to coach and train people who really want to make a big splash, you know, off the high dive. But then they’re then coaching and training individuals who can help shepherd people to that end to the pool. It’s really not my greatest strength. And I recognize that as one of my limitations.

Ruth Perry (31:06)
You can’t be good at everything. So what are some common mistakes that well-intentioned churches make when they’re trying to help communities in poverty, Wendy?

Wendy McCaig (31:15)
It goes back to what I said a little bit ago about the need to be needed. When we deprive people of the gift of giving, we don’t see it as a kind of selfish act, but in many ways it is. Like so many of what we term our missions, you know, kind of outreach is really driven by our need to be needed internally and there’s tremendous resistance to undoing that way of thinking.

I had this experience with a church that I went to talk to and I was talking about this process. Oh yes, we’ve been serving the homeless for 45 years and we’re really good at it. And I said, really? You just hosted Caritas, right? Did you meet John? Did you meet Rudy? Because I knew the people who were there and the church members were like, we don’t learn their names.

And I was like, okay, I just made the only point I’m going to make. I didn’t have to say anything. I’m just like, there’s a difference between what you’re doing and what I’m trying to get you to do. Simply learning people’s names, learning their story, that willingness to be in relationship. That’s the greatest

missed opportunity. You know, it’s not that just handing out food and not learning names is bad, but it’s a deeply missed experience of mutuality and giving people dignity along with the bag of groceries. Like, can we do both? I often get criticized. People think I’m saying, Don’t do these things. I’m just saying do it different. Do it with the input of those that you say you’re seeking to serve. Yeah, so I think that’s my soapbox that I probably should get off now.

Ruth Perry (33:08)
Can you share a story where recognizing hidden assets in a community changed the outcome entirely?

Wendy McCaig (33:14)
Yeah, so Hillside Court, mentioned it earlier, they had had a number of murders. So there were three separate murders in the first three weeks of, I think it was 2010. And then those two teenagers were hit by a stray bullet. So in my brain, I’m like, my God, we need to get the cops in here. We need to have a community wide meeting and we need the police to come tell us what we should be doing.

So I hosted this meeting for my key leaders or about a dozen key leaders from the community and I invited the police to come in and talk to us and we walked out and there’s a guy we all call Big John and Big John said, don’t you ever do that to me again. He said, if my neighbors see me walking out of here, with that cop in there, I’m going to be branded a snitch and there is no good that can come out of what you just did.

John was a big teddy bear. Like he never ever said anything to me like that before. He was scared and it really rattled me. And at the time I was being coached by an ABCD person who did for me what I do for others. And he asked me, said, whose idea was that, Wendy? And I said, it was mine. And it was me and the outsiders. Like, that’s what I would do with my neighbor. And he said, you never, you need to let the community tell you what would be most helpful.

And so a few weeks later, we hosted a big pizza party. We invited anybody who wanted to come, no cops, no outside officials, no government reps, nobody but the community and I asked the question, if you could do anything to strengthen Hillside, what would you do? And these voices about keeping the kids safe, the motivation for action. Most people like Big John, they knew what to do. They knew if they heard gunfire, where to go. They felt like they were navigating it but it was the fact that they were locking their children inside their apartments and they couldn’t play outside.

That was devastating to the whole community, those with and without children. And so I asked who in this room would be willing to be a part of the solution. I don’t live here. When the guns are going off, I’m 30 minutes away. And Patrice Shelton raised her hand and said, I’ll do it. And as soon as she did, Lindsay Gallet-Lee raised her hand and those two built a team, interviewed parents and said, if we could do anything to keep our children safe, what could we do.

And that is how that development effort really took off. And so Lindsay used to be a cheerleading coach and she said, well, what if we offered activities here at the rec center? So the rec center had been shut down. It was like a community room that had been shut down for a decade. And so they wouldn’t give the keys to the community, but they’d give it to me because I had a million dollar liability insurance. And so I gave the key to the residents and they started organizing activities for kids. we had cheerleading and football, then all kinds of stuff grew out of how do we keep our children safe?

I would never have thought that cheerleading would be the pathway to community safety. The wisdom of how to best address what is going on in a community lies with the community members themselves. The other thing I learned through this, so they started gathering parents, largely single moms and many of them very young, together for a family support group. And when I learned from this circle, where were the gunmen coming from? They were not residents. They were people taking advantage of very young moms. They were men coming in, living in the community with these women against all the rules, you know.

And the way that the community responded to that was a block by block support structure where we had block captains across the community that worked with their block to help people feel safe and to help those young girls who were being taken advantage of find other alternatives and to liberate them from that oppressive situation. I wouldn’t have thought of that. So when you listen deeply and you allow the community itself to think about what it has and how it can be a source of solution to its own problems, the power that creates, that sense of efficacy and agency that grow out of that cannot come from the outside. It has to come from the inside lived experience of making a difference. And that power grows over time until they can take on systems. I saw all kinds of things happen in Hillside Court. So that’s, yeah. That’s kind of a long story, but I hope it illustrates the point.

Ruth Perry (38:05)
Yeah, You use the phrase dream-releasers. that I like. What does it mean to cultivate leaders rather than create dependency?

Wendy McCaig (38:13)
Yeah, and that story with Hillside, so we had a cheerleading team, so Lindsay’s husband’s name was Tony. And Tony was like, well, you have cheerleaders, you need a football team, but it was gonna cost like several thousand dollars for them to join this league. And we formed a dream team at a local church. And we said, your job dream team, is to support the dreamers in Hillside Court. Tony’s dream is to have a football team that is led by residents. Here’s what you can do to support the team. And they did it. Versus going to this suburban affluent community and saying, what do y’all want to do for the residents?

We took Tony and Lindsay to the church and said, these are your missionaries. Like they are the ones making a difference in their community. What can you, how can you come alongside? And so miraculous things happen, too many to name in a podcast. But the thing I most appreciate and did not expect were these very long-term relationships that formed between folks who otherwise would never have met each other. But deep, deep, deep, deep, deep friendships that have lasted decades. That’s the real fruit of that long-term connection.

Ruth Perry (39:32)
That’s beautiful. What spiritual disciplines sustain you, in your long-term justice and reconciliation work?

Wendy McCaig (39:39)
So I guess through the years I’ve kind of like developed my own like phrasing around spiritual disciplines. I Every morning I get up, I get my coffee, I get my journal and I position myself where I can watch the sunrise and I try to capture, I love Mary Oliver’s instructions for living, it’s like, pay attention, be astonished, tell about it. And so my journal is really about capturing what is astonishing me in this moment. And then speaking it back to the divine, to the universe, to the sacred and saying thank you.

Thank you for this conversation with Ruth. Thank you for this opportunity to join in where your spirit is already moving in my backyard. So my facing the dawn practice is both about recognizing and being fully present in my own experience, but the facing of the dawn is leaning into the possibility. What is this new day? These fragments of awe that I’m bringing from yesterday, what are they pointing toward for this new day? And when what happened the day before is not so beautiful and it happens, right? We have bad days. It’s like, wow, it’s a newness here. There’s a new emerging right in front of me. So facing the dawn has been a practice of mine for forever.

Following beauty for me is a practice that emerged during my time in seminary. So I took a course in Celtic spirituality and Dr. Brocklow would have us go into the forest. He would tell us to get lost and go talk to trees. And we were to come back 45 minutes later and tell him what the frog said. It was this incredibly liberating kind of experience and it was also stretching for me, the accountant, to lean into the contemplative and mystical side of the Christian tradition. And that practice of spending quality, deep time in the wild led us to buy our property. We have 23 acres of heavily forested land and that’s how I ended up in Ruth’s backyard. Always dreamed that one day we would move out here and that’s where I am and I want this place to be a place where people can experience that. That magical, mysterious spirit that roams around like a fairy in my forest.

So following beauty and probably the last one I’ll share is kind of a new or something I’m learning to do. And that is standing in the darkness. I’ve been through multiple seasons where it felt like the light went out. When I had the three miscarriages, when my dad passed away, I went through a really hard time in 2017, 18, multiple things happened. And then again, more recently, and every time I I was able to pause and the last two I took sabbaticals and was able to just stand with the darkness, not run from it, not lay under it and just give up, but just stand in it and to feel it and to be present to it.

I think a lot of people would tell me, you what’s the lesson? Okay. Sometimes there is no lesson. I don’t understand a lot of it. And I think that is part of our growth is to not have to make sense of it all. Sometimes senseless things are just senseless things. But in that we can be held. We can find the ground of our being and it’s the only thing helping us stand. And that is a, I’m a fix it kind of girl. And that was a really hard, really hard for me to stand, just stand still with it. So those are the ones that are kind of daily reminding myself of and trying to practice.

Ruth Perry (43:43)
Yeah, you have to fill up to pour out, If every church embraced the vision that you describe, how would cities look different? And rural communities like ours, how would they look different 10 years from now?

Wendy McCaig (43:55)
think that the main thing around this vision is really about people coming alive. And so I love Howard Thurman’s quote, don’t ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. When we discover our own gifts, when we help other people find their gift, and then we bring all of it together, not just those in the church doing for those outside, but the whole community coming to a common place, a common table, investing our gifts, watching our communities really thrive. What do all communities really need during this time?

And there’s two things that are in my experience, invaluable. One is belonging. We live in a season of life where loneliness is an epidemic. Our individual tendencies, individualistic tendencies have led us to this place and we need to get back to recognizing we’re all connected. We all belong together.

So belonging and the second is around purpose. I see a lot of hopelessness. I see a lot of apathy, especially among our young people for whom the promises that were delivered to our generation that motivated us just don’t hold water. And finding purpose, finding something more than a promise of a 401k is really what our world hungers for. It can’t just be about that physical world of stuff. There’s something so much deeper. And so if people embrace this vision for coming alive and are willing to give their gifts, that’s what I see is a world marked by belonging and purpose. And the walls that separate and divide us will disappear and we will see ourselves in one another and the spirit moving and binding all of us together when we’re willing to do that.

Ruth Perry (46:07)
May it be so. Well, we should probably wrap up our conversation, Wendy. I’ve kept you long enough. Is there anything else that you want to share before we sign off?

Wendy McCaig (46:17)
No, I’ve just so enjoyed this conversation and thinking through all the different questions. I think you did a lovely job of guiding us through what my career as a minister of community cultivator of 50 years, it feels like, in one hour. So thank you. You’re very, very good at this. I appreciate it.

Ruth Perry (46:42)
Everyone should visit wendymcaig.com, and is it embracecommunities.com as well, or is it something else?

Wendy McCaig (46:49)
embracecommunities.org. And I will just add currently that WordPress site wendymccaig.com, I’m about to point it over to the Substack but if you want to see 10 years of content, just go look at it real quick. to be pointing to the news space. Yes.

Ruth Perry (47:05)
So they can find you on Substack then. So what is your Substack, Wendy McCaig?

Wendy McCaig (47:09)
Wendy McCaig and you can either search for me, Wendy McCaig, or Walking with Wildflowers is the publication, and that’s where I’m capturing a lot of what’s emerging today, what’s growing out of these cultivating efforts, and a lot of my own personal journey trying to figure this out in this weird time we live in. So I would recommend the Substack.

Ruth Perry (47:32)
Well, thank you so much for being here today, Wendy. I’m super pumped and excited for what God is gonna do through you here in this area, and I’m grateful to be your friend now. God bless you.

Wendy McCaig (47:42)
Yeah, I’m excited. Thank you.


If you enjoyed this episode, would you share it with a friend? That would be amazing! You can subscribe to The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon MusicSubstack, and more! God bless!

012 I Lisa Wells on a Journey From Heartache to Healing

My guest this week is my friend and former pastor, Lisa Wells! In this beautiful and vulnerable conversation, we explored Lisa’s journey through ministry, the challenges she faced, and her growth as a leader. We discussed the impact of complementarianism in her life, the importance of community, and the healing that comes from navigating difficult experiences. Lisa shares how Ignatian Spirituality and contemplative imagination played a particularly powerful role in her healing journey. It was a painful season that led Lisa to coaching herself and she has a passion for serving women now in their healing journeys. Stay to the end to hear what Lisa has recently learned in her doctorate program about the unique stressors of pastors’ wives and women in ministry. If you’re in that boat and struggling, it is no wonder.

Lisa is a very gifted and wise coach (I can personally attest to this as a recipient of her holy listening and prodding). You can request a free call with Lisa to explore coaching for yourself on her website: lisawellscoaching.com
Lisa also provides options for group coaching, “married in ministry” support, and group contemplative practice.

In our conversation, I mention this article: Stages of Faith–A Map for the Spiritual Journey as a helpful resource for those who have hit a spiritual “wall” and are in a stage of falling apart, doubting, questioning, sinking, etc. This stage is precipitated by a crisis and is very painful, and unfortunately, most churches are not safe or equipped to meet people in this stage of their faith, which adds to the pain and isolation of this experience.

You can listen to our conversation on The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon Music, or more! If you find our conversation helpful, please share it with a friend, rate and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode!

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
I am so delighted to have my very dear friend Lisa Wells on the podcast today. Welcome, Lisa.

Lisa (00:23)
Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.

Ruth Perry (00:25)
Lisa was one of my pastors, for five or six years in Maine, and a close friend and now she’s my coach. And so I’m just really excited to talk with you today about your faith journey, about your walk with the Lord and the different seasons of ministry that you’ve been in, what it’s like to be a person in ministry as a woman.

The different expectations and obstacles and hardships you faced because of that. And then also just the good things that the Lord has done in your life through your ministry. And so let’s just dive in first going back about little Lisa. Where do you come from, Lisa? What has your journey with the Lord been like in those formative years?

Lisa (01:08)
Yeah, thank you. I’m so glad to be here and I’m so proud of you launching this podcast. Thank you so much for the invite. What a treat. So little Lisa, you know, the truth is I’m still getting to know her and still befriending her, but kind of some facts about her journey. I was born into a home that my mom was Catholic, but not really practicing. My dad was agnostic.

And so I was baptized Catholic, but my parents didn’t go to church for the first year of my life, didn’t really have an active faith. And then they moved and the house they moved into, their neighbors had been praying for them before they moved in, had been mowing their lawn and taking care of their yard. And so they just went over to say thank you when they moved in and that began a relationship. And that’s when both my parents came to what they call like their personal faith decision.

So from one years old on, I was raised in a family that really prioritized faith. And we were at church every time the doors were open. I went to a Christian school. I really said my first yes to Jesus around the age of four after coming home from Sunday school. just being in Christian school and being in church every time the doors were open, I had a lot of opportunity to learn about the person of Jesus, and I always felt drawn to him, always. I loved hearing his word expounded. I loved being in spaces where he was being worshiped and talked about.

And all of those environments were complementarian. And so my initial kind of understanding of what faith in Jesus is about was pretty gendered. And I was just aware as a young one that there were roles and opportunities that were available to me and there were roles and opportunities that weren’t available to me. As we moved from Rochester, New York to Columbus, Ohio when I was in middle school, that was kind of a hard transition. Middle school is a hard time to start over socially and in a new community that was tricky, but they had a youth group that was really important for me.

I ended up feeling really connected and called there and my first ministry role was the intern. I became a youth ministry intern and I just loved getting like this up close and personal vision and view of the nuts and bolts of daily ministry was really fun for me. I’m so grateful to my youth pastor and his wife for creating that role and allowing me to fill it. And I have these memories during high school, again, Christian high school, where I would have these study hall periods and I was doing word studies in scripture. I bought this Bible that had a Hebrew and Greek lexicon, it was giant. It was way too big. But I just felt so excited to dig in and really understand the word and explore it for myself.

I remember my first awareness of my calling into ministry happened at a church service and I was sitting in the auditorium and I could see my youth pastor and his wife, they were talking to somebody, they were close enough that I could really see the conversation unfold, but not close enough that I could hear anything. And I watched as my youth pastor’s wife really was probably the most animated in that conversation and was, just reaching out to this person and really being a pastoral presence to them. And I remember looking at her and thinking, that’s what I want to do. And I think I had that recognition because that was the most pastoral, interaction that I had seen from a female and it just felt like, okay, there is a path to utilize pastoral gifts. It just happens to be by being married to a pastor. So I made that decision then that I was gonna try to pursue ministry through being married to somebody in ministry.

After I graduated high school, I wanted to kind of spread my wings a little bit, try a different church community. And I had a friend from high school who was going to a church plant in Columbus. And he invited me along. And that’s where I met my husband who was currently working as a pastor. I didn’t target him, though one might think I would.

It’s like, hey, there’s my opportunity. But, you know, we just, started a friendship and as things unfolded, you know, really got excited about being in a relationship together and got married. Unfortunately, that church was not very healthy. So we had to extract ourselves from that situation very early into our marriage. And we ended up.

a little bit north where my husband was going to seminary anyway. And that’s where I started kind of my academic journey. Ended up going to undergrad at the same school where he was doing seminary and studied religion and philosophy and absolutely loved that. And at that point all of my ministry involvement was volunteer or it was alongside things that he had been doing. But the more I had experiences in those environments, the more I thought, okay, yes, ministry is what I want to do.

We had the opportunity to go more of an academic route. Dan, for a while, was thinking about getting a PhD, and I thought about furthering my education in that same direction, but neither one of us felt drawn to the academy the same way we felt drawn to the church. So we ended up getting involved in several church plants in Ohio and loved being a part of church communities from the ground up. What a gift that is to really kind of, build things and see what unfolds from that.

So we had the opportunity to become church planters and I remember being very affirmed when we did a very intense four-day interview that involved a lot of personality inventories and profiling and that kind of thing. And I remember learning that I had the most common Myers-Briggs personality type as what most pastors have. And I felt like, okay, like maybe.

There’s something to this that isn’t just the sidekick, right? E.N.F.J. Yeah, yeah, what’s yours?

Ruth Perry (07:31)
What is your Myers-Briggs?

cool!

I’m an INFP and Logan is the exact opposite. He is an ESTJ. What is Dan? Do you remember? Yeah. So between Logan and I, we got it all covered,

Lisa (07:41)
Okay.

He’s an INFP. He’s an INFP too. Yeah. Yeah. That’s so funny.

I love it. Yeah. So that was so affirming and you know, that’s what started our church planting journey is going through that assessment process and being confirmed to church plant, at which point we moved to Maine and that’s where I met you. rest is history.

Ruth Perry (08:09)
That’s right. That’s right. I’m kind of curious to know. I feel like my parents were first generation. Well, actually, they had both gone to church, but they became born-again Christians as and they had that fire of the Lord in them. And I kind of wonder if that’s where I got my love for the church that I hear in your story too, as a very young person. Do you think having
new to the faith parents influenced your love for the church in that way.

Lisa (08:39)
It probably did. That’s such a great lens on it. I’ve never thought of it that way. But yeah, they weren’t nominal. They really loved the Lord and loved being with people who loved the Lord. And yeah, there’s something to that.

I’m thinking of a Donald Miller quote in his book, Blue Like Jazz. He describes watching a jazz musician play jazz piece on the street. And this person’s just their eyes are closed and they’re so one with the music and up until that point I guess Donald Miller didn’t like jazz he said sometimes have to watch somebody love something in order to learn how to love it yourself There’s something to that.

Ruth Perry (09:24)
I’m also thinking about you seeing that pastor’s wife ministering and that that was how you came to imagine yourself in ministry. And for me, I grew up in the church and loved the church with the same kind of fervor that you did as a child and always imagined myself serving God in some capacity, but I had only seen women as missionaries or as And so I went to college to be a musician.

Lisa (09:49)
Wow, yes.

Ruth Perry (09:50)
And you, you’re a musician, you have that jack of all trades in your ministry toolbox. I feel like women are asked to do so much in the church that we wide set of skills that serve the church really well.

And then I’m thinking about how you seem like someone who does everything with excellence. Like that’s a core value to you. Is that true, Lisa?

Lisa (10:14)
That is so interesting, Ruth, because I have had such a journey in the last handful of years, probably five years, with allowing myself to be less excellent. There is something, wow, really tricky about excellence because it can become an end in itself, right, trying to seek that. And it can become idolatrous, I think, you know, where it becomes yeah, maybe not just an end in itself, but a means for like self-glorification and needing to be approved, needing to be affirmed.

And there’s something so just deliciously delightful about giving oneself the permission to be flawed, to be okay, something without being excellent at it. Yeah, I think excellence drove me for a my ministry life and it’s been sweet for the last five years to find a softer way. Excellence can be really a harsh master and a demanding master to kind of just soften into the reality that I’m limited, I’m flawed has been such a gift.

Ruth Perry (11:31)
And as a woman in a complementarian denomination, the excellence piece, I think, comes from wanting to be taken seriously and be valued and accepted for your gifts and the value that your gifts have to the building up of the church. And it’s not inherently there. And so the striving for perfection is one of those costs that we pay for being in a patriarchal system.

So we need to learn to have grace and to undo that piece. But it has probably also served you well.

Lisa (12:03)
It has, it has, right, like most things, upside and a downside. Yeah.

Ruth Perry (12:08)
So when I met you, we had gone through a lot of church hurt and we were living in Boothbay, Maine. And the church that you and Dan planted was in Topsham, Maine called North Harbor Community Church. But we met at an ecumenical Bible study first. A friend of mine, Melissa, brought me to Collette Pekar’s Bible study at the Seventh Day Adventist Church in Brunswick.

And you were participating in it so I got to know you as a peer and as a friend before I started attending your church. And coming from a pastor’s family myself I’ve always had more of a peer perspective on pastors and pastor’s wives and pastor’s families and understood that they’re not a commodity. They’re human beings.

Lisa (12:53)
Yes.

Ruth Perry (12:54)
I’m kind of curious about when you came and you started church planting and you probably had a lot of high expectations for what God was going to do through you and through your family. What was the honeymoon period like? Let’s start there.

Lisa (13:01)
Before the crash and burn? Yes. Let’s start at the honeymoon period. Yeah. The honeymoon phase. It’s interesting. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how God utilizes even our weaknesses, right? To help us and help others. It’s just a miracle how he weaves such goodness out of all things.

The honeymoon period I think for church planting, at least for me as a church planter, really had a lot to do with I held myself in really high esteem and I thought you know the thing that Maine hasn’t seen yet is Dan and Lisa Wells. Like that’s what Maine needs you know is Dan and Lisa in ministry.

And I look back on that and I think, honey, there was just a lot of hubris. And I think to a certain extent, when you’re starting something, anything entrepreneurial, right? Not to say that church is a business, but that spirit of starting something from scratch, there does need to be a high level of belief in yourself, in the outcome you’re going for.

You know, we, had been through that assessment. And so we had the backing of a denomination. This wasn’t just us, making up that we were ready to do this. Others had affirmed that for us as well. And so that honeymoon period really is just marked by that high belief of God’s doing something and we’re going to go there and join God in whatever God is doing.

And so, I look back on that time fondly, almost like the early parenting stages, when there’s just, you don’t know what you don’t know, but because of that, all is good. I do look back on it fondly and, the connections that I made. I don’t know how North Harbor drew the people that it drew, but we had such an incredible group of people whose roots ran deep with the Lord. They were open to true community with each other. They were okay with being inventive of like, all right, let’s try church a little differently. What might that be like? And so it was just a lot of fun to serve with people like that.

That’s right about the time when I was discovering, too, my excitement for kids ministry, which is so funny also because, I told the Lord in my heart, OK, I’ll do this. I’ll church plant. I’ll go serve in ministry alongside my husband. But, don’t have me in these stereotypical pastor’s wives roles. I’m not going to learn how to play the organ. I’m not going to be in kids ministry and come to find out.

I really, really got passionate and excited about kids ministry and youth ministry. That’s something that kind of marked the beginning of that journey too, is just this awareness and understanding that our kids are the church as well. They’re not our future church, they’re our present church and their experiences matter, their faith journeys matter. And so how to show up to them and minister to them as if that’s true, because it is was all part of that journey for me too.

Ruth Perry (16:10)
Well, as a family that was drawn to North Harbor, I’ll tell you that the kids ministry was a big piece of that because we had already seen a lot of unhealthy church environments and really wanted a safe place where my kids would learn a orthodox, beautiful picture of Jesus Christ. And your passion made the ministry at North Harbor superb. And also I love to see how everybody banded together to serve in kids ministry. You had so many volunteers and everybody was taking their ministry really seriously because you trained them really well.

Lisa (16:43)
Yes.

Ruth Perry (16:48)
To be in service at North Harbor. You did safety training. You did like a vision for what ministry to children is all about. And you taught theology to your volunteers. And so everything was well organized and missional and built for impact. And it has impacted my children. All of my children had that foundation. And I’m just really grateful to you, Lisa, for all that you poured into kids ministry at North Harbor, thank you so much.

Lisa (17:16)
Wow, thank you so much Ruth. I mean, one person can’t do it, right? I can share the vision, I can rally the troops, but if people aren’t willing to use their actual time, their actual bodies, their actual resources to do the work, it can’t be done. So yeah, I was blown away with how many people said yes to being on the inside of that journey. It was a beautiful time.

Ruth Perry (17:40)
And that team spirit wasn’t just in kids ministry, it was also in had rotating worship teams, you had different people preaching. It wasn’t just Dan up there all the time. I loved it when you preached, Lisa, you were always excellent. And I just loved hearing all the different voices and all the different people participating together. And then they had the technical team was just excellent in managing. You had to set up a church in a school building every Sunday and tear it down and leave everything in perfect spotless condition all the time. And you had just created this well-oiled machine that worked together to glorify the Lord and it was really beautiful. And so all the little pieces of North Harbor, it was really attractive for us as a young family, even as a family with a lot of church hurt.

It did feel like a safe place and a really diverse place that celebrated people’s gifts and gave people a place to contribute to the work of the church. It was unique. It was really cool. And so I’m just really grateful that we got to be a part of North Harbor for a while. We were there, five or six years before we moved here to Virginia. And I was heartbroken to leave. That was really painful because I felt like your family, all the other families at North Harbor, they were like family to me when we left. And so that was a pretty big grief to leave North Harbor.

Lisa (19:03)
Yeah, that was a hard goodbye. Thank you for saying all of that. It’s beautiful to experience something you love through the eyes of someone else, you know? So yeah, thank you for that little trip down memory lane.

Ruth Perry (19:20)
I do want to talk to you more for the Beautiful Kingdom Builders audience. I think a lot of people come to my page because they are women coming from complementarian backgrounds and they’re trying to find the freedom to use their gifts in the church and to fulfill their callings that God has given to them. And so I do want to hear more from you about your experience as a woman in ministry as you’re deconstructing your complementarian background. Tell me more about how you’ve grown in that area, Lisa.

Lisa (19:49)
Yeah, think, I mean, I was very staunchly complementarian for quite a long time. I, when I had a reorientation to faith as an older teenager, I had the opportunity to be baptized by a mentor of mine who’s female and I requested not to be. I thought that it would be better to be baptized by the male pastor. And I look back on that now with grief. know,

It’s so common that we end up repeating the patterns that we were given as kids until we look at them in a more thoughtful way. so, yeah, I think honestly, getting married to my husband, who is an egalitarian, was a big part of what started to open my eyes, which is so ironic, right? Because I was inhabiting this role as married to a pastor in a way that was limiting to me at first, and it ended up being the very thing that broke those limits.

And then also study, I ended up going on to John Carroll University in Cleveland and getting a Master of Arts in Religious Studies, and now I’m enrolled in a doctoral program at Gordon-Conwell in spiritual formation for ministry leaders. The more I read, the more I look at the witness of scripture, it’s just very clear that there has always been. It’s not a recent addition. Since the beginning of the human family, since the beginning of the church, there has always been a very clear invitation to women to use their gifts just like there is to men.

And I have been personally so impacted by the stories in the gospels of Jesus interacting with women. A couple of the ones that kind of rise to the top for me are the story of Mary and Martha. I have such a heart for Martha. She, in John 11, has a statement of faith that is right up there with the declaration of Peter in sharing the identity of Christ, right? You are the Messiah. And I’ve heard so many sermons over my life on Jesus’s declaration to Peter that on this rock I will build my church, right? When Peter says that Jesus is the Messiah.

But I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sermon on Martha’s declaration. And it’s the same, essentially, right? She’s saying you’re the Messiah. You’re the one who is to come. so, yeah, I just have such a heart for her, especially with the Luke passage and how she’s been tsk, tsked into, a better homemaker, a hospitality provider kind of role. And there’s just so much more going on in that passage than people have sometimes given her credit for. So I love that interaction. I also have been deeply impacted, especially in the last handful of years, by the Jairus passage that is sandwiching the woman with the hemorrhage.

Goodness, as someone who has three girls who have struggled, and that’s been part of my journey too. It’s been a really impactful part of my journey actually. I really have been so ministered to by Jairus’ faith and the faith of his wife. By the way that Jesus prevents the crowds from witnessing the little girl’s healing, right? It’s just Jairus, his wife and his three disciples that get to see that. Such a affirmation from Jesus that sometimes even in a religious leaders family there are certain things that are only need to know. And even if you’re living in a fishbowl in ministry Jesus sees all the hidden, all the inner, all of the stuff that feels too tender and too painful, he sees that and he’s willing to heal in private if that’s what we need.

And he’s willing to not heal in private if that’s what we need. think about the woman with the hemorrhage and how right in the middle of the Jairus story, she interrupts their journey and he’s willing to be interrupted and not only to allow power to go out from him to heal her, but he essentially hands her a microphone and he refuses to let her just slink away into the dark corners where she must have been living for the last 12 years. And she gets to say the why and the how of her healing.

So stories like that have been really powerful for me in appreciating that Jesus didn’t just invite women tangentially to be a part of the team. He saw them in their individual humanity and gave them an opportunity to be the fullest version of who they are. And that’s the work that I get to do now as a coach, which is such a gift.

Ruth Perry (24:39)
Before we talk about your coaching, I don’t know what you want to share about how you and Dan came to leave North Harbor after, how many years was it that you were in ministry at North Harbor?

Lisa (24:50)
It was 18 years.

Ruth Perry (24:52)
After 18 years. We moved away in 2017 and so far I’ve been able to get back to Maine once a year to see my family that’s there. And I went to worship one time when North Harbor was outside during COVID And I went to North Harbor when they were in a little church in Topsham. So I’ve kind of got to see North Harbor now and then and hearing from you and Dan that you struggling. I don’t know what you want to share on a public podcast, but whatever you want to share about how you and Dan ended up coming to leave North Harbor.

Lisa (25:30)
Thank you, Ruth. Yeah, it is still a story that I hold close to my heart and my chest because it involves my kids, right? But I can share just in general terms. They’ve given me permission to do that. So COVID, I mean, being a church leader through COVID was really, really hard. We were meeting in a school, so that was obviously not available to us. Even when people kind of went back to public services, masked and that kind of thing, like we were just not allowed back into the space, which makes total sense and was challenging. So we were online for a while, and then as you said, we met outside for a whole summer, which was really beautiful and kind of a wonderful way to have a sense of place as a church in Maine, you know, to meet on a beach. So that was really cool. And then, yeah, we found a temporary spot and then from there ended up moving into a lease of a smaller building. But that was just it was a lot of transition.

We ended up we had a staffing change that wasn’t very popular right in the early stages of COVID. And that was really hard. We had some people leave over that. But I think what was most challenging is the family dynamics that we were navigating at home. Having kids that were teens in the heart of COVID was really challenging. They were facing a lot of struggles that we were not honestly very prepared as parents to help them through.

Additionally, the way that Dan and I were handling the stress of the struggles at home, along with the stress at church with all these transitions and, you know, staffing changes and location changes and all the financial changes that happen when, you know, people leave. It was really, really hard and we did not have a very well developed tool belt for how to handle that stress and so my MO was to just try to get tighter with control and push everything through and we’re gonna make it and it’s gonna be okay and sometimes when there’s too much of a pushing and tightness, this desire to rein in the control, it can really backfire. And for sure, I can appreciate how it did not help the dynamics at home.

So yeah, we just got to a place where it was like crisis after crisis after crisis and we felt like we were at the end of our natural reserves and we needed to really shut everything else down except for what was most important, kind of like our bodies do, when we’re triaging some critical injury, It’s like all the non-essential things just get let go and it’s the survival that gets prioritized.

And so, Dan’s decision to resign really was that. It was the decision that our kids needed to come first, our own mental health needed to come first. Like many seasons of suffering, it illuminates how there are, certain things that were never really working well, but because situations were, a little lighter or, circumstances were less chaotic, those things didn’t come to light, right?

But once we right in the heart of this real life or death struggle for our family, all of our maladaptive coping skills just came right to the surface. And so, yeah, there were just a lot of things that we needed to work on that being in ministry while working on those would not have been fair to the people we were serving, certainly not to our kids and definitely not to ourselves and the Lord.

So, divesting ourselves from that role, right, of being in ministry leadership, definitely for Dan, because at that point he was the paid staff member. I was not in a paid staff role at that time, but still was very involved, in the ministry of the church. So stepping away from that was really, really hard, really, really hard. I think part of it was the identity crisis that it precipitated, because, when you see yourself in a role, that is aligned with your employment and then that employment is no longer there. It’s like, well, who am I? Am I still this person who’s been called to ministry?

I think another thing that made it really challenging is when you’re a person in ministry and you need to leave your church for any reason, those people are not just the people you’re serving professionally. Your parishioners often become your dear friends. And to extract myself from the very relationships that I needed at that point for support and love and care, that was really challenging. I felt like in the middle of it, I lost my family. And I’m sure they felt a sense of loss too and probably lose family in the middle of everything.

So just hurt, a lot of hurt and some of it was for sure unavoidable, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walk through, right? And then for our kids, grieving the loss of a church family for them.

Yeah, there was so much hard about that season. I remember being incredibly angry, with God because I felt like I had this narrative in my head, which is such bad theology, but it’s just what I was living with in the in the back of my mind, this narrative in my head that if I was faithful, that my family would be OK. And I was living in the middle of a family that was not okay, in a major way.

And I felt so disoriented by that, so angry at the Lord because it felt like, here we moved to Maine to start this church and it was, a sacrificial journey in some ways. In other ways, it was, really filling our cup more than emptying it. But when I looked back and I thought, if this ends up costing me my family? It felt so tenuous. Everything felt like it was falling apart. And the deep anguish that comes from not only not being at home with your church family, but not being at home in the same way with your biological family.

And then to add on that, not feeling at home in this identity and this faith that I had built for decades, not knowing is God even good? It was really, really hard and yeah, kind of a dark night.

Ruth Perry (32:22)
I’m so sorry, Lisa. That’s so heavy. And I think people even who haven’t been in ministry, I think that’s a relatable experience. It sounds like you hit a wall. And there’s this article that describes the book, The Critical Journey. And I send it to people whenever they’re like, I’m in this really dark spot. What can I do?

It’s a summary of the book, The Critical Journey, and it just describes what that wall experience is like. I’ve read that like 80 % of Christian churches are made up of people who haven’t gotten to that stage in their faith yet. And so their faith is still just very clear. hasn’t really been tested. And so when people do come to that wall experience, is so disorienting and painful and everything goes black or just gets really foggy and you just, you don’t know which way to go.

And the church doesn’t know how to respond to people in that situation. And so people do just leave. Maybe you could help us out with a little bit of insight into how your family got out of that. What was the process past that experience, Lisa?

Lisa (33:29)
That’s such a good question. Thank you for that. And thank you for naming what I think a lot of us experience in church circles, which is that there’s really good intent there, but there’s not always safety. And so for us to be able to hold this experience that, I want this to be the safest place, right?

But the version of me before all of this real struggle and trial was just not able to be present with other people’s suffering the same way. And so, yeah, I don’t hold that against anyone, but it’s just, it’s just true. Yeah, thank you for naming that.

Okay, how did we make it through? Still happening. There’s so much that is just, I don’t even know the word Ruth, I feel like relief, so much relief on this side of those events, but for sure the healing is still occurring. So I’ll kind of point to a couple of things that were key in the beginning and then maybe we can talk about how those are still unfolding for me.

In the very year that we walked away from professional ministry at the church we had planted, I signed up for certification through my coaches program. So I had found Dr. Edie Wadsworth with Life Mentoring School. She’s out of Tennessee and her program had been really helpful to me for learning tools that I didn’t know I didn’t know. Really important kind of basic human flourishing things that I just never learned. Things like how to manage my thoughts.

Scripture talks about this, right, about meditating and what is true and what is noble and what is good. It talks about renewing our minds, taking thoughts captive. But I loved all those scriptures, but I don’t think I understood the how of how to do that. And so, mindset management was a huge blessing to me when I started learning how to not just accept and go along with every thought that popped into my head, right?

And then also alongside that, and this was probably even more powerful for me, is learning emotional regulation and emotional processing tools. These are things that now we teach our kindergartners in public school systems with different kinds of emotional regulation, emotional processing curricula, but I never had that right and so I I didn’t know how to really be with my own emotions what I had learned from the church was how to not trust my emotions because they’re fickle and really, I needed to trust the facts, right?

So it was all about like replacing a lie with truth, which for sure truth is important. But what I never knew before I started this coaching journey is that our feelings do tell the truth. It’s what they tell the truth about. That’s what people sometimes are looking to them to tell the truth about circumstances. They don’t tell the truth about circumstances, but they do tell the truth about what we believe, about how we are experiencing something.

And so to be able to learn how to sit with anger, to learn how to sit with grief, and to befriend it actually, not to push it or control it or resist it. So that was really powerful. And then there were some other action taking tools that were also powerful from that coaching program. So I was just like, I need more of this. So I signed up to become certified and in certification, it was a deeper dive into all of those skills.

And so that came in clutch when I to walk out my faith and live with integrity as everything around me was burning. Being able to talk to myself with compassion, being able to sit with the rage and the despair, those were priceless skills. So that was one way that I was able to support myself that ended up blessing my family as well, going through that certification program and becoming a coach.

And then also, at the same time, I signed up for a program called A Retreat at Home through the Ignatian Spirituality Partnership of Maine. So I mentioned that I had gone to grad school in Cleveland at a school called John Carroll. That is a Jesuit school. That is where back in the early 2000s, I was first introduced to Ignatian spirituality. And I did my first eight-day silent retreat and was hooked.

Ignatian spirituality emphasizes something called imaginative contemplation of scripture. Which is where we use our imaginations to experience the person of Christ in Scripture. And it’s interesting, even though I knew Scripture really well coming from a very churched and Christian school background, I found that I was much more acquainted with Paul than I was with Jesus.

And in that time at John Carroll, I spent more time in the Gospels than I had ever spent before. I mean, just falling in love with the Jesus that is presented there. mean, what’s not to love? The power, the compassion, the speaking truth to power, all of that, I was gobsmacked by it.

And so this practice of imaginative contemplation where I was imagining these Gospel encounters that Jesus has. And I was, you know, either a character in the story in my imagination, or I was an unnamed character, or I was hovering over everything in a narrator perspective. But it gave me personal encounters with Jesus that I had never had up until that point in my more evangelical approach to scripture, which is for me anyway was more focused on study, which I still love and think is amazing and have wonderful experience with too. But this was just, it was involving my emotions. It was involving my imagination. It was involving this other part of my

And so doing that retreat at home and having daily experiences of imaginative contemplation was really important. When families are struggling, and parents are just playing whack-a-mole with crises, it’s just so critical that we are being poured into, that we are receiving in some way. And this practice of coming to Jesus broken, angry, bitter, all the things and just letting Him love me through what transpired in that practice of imaginative contemplation is life-changing.

I had a couple of experiences in particular, one that kind of really rises to the top, that Jesus just really served me and loved me in my hour of greatest need. So there is John 1 where just past the passage that everyone’s familiar with about “In the beginning was the Word and the Word is with God.” Right after that, Jesus calls his disciples. And there’s this interaction between Jesus and a couple of John the Baptist’s disciples. Because John points Jesus out, this is the one that I’ve been telling you about, the one who’s sandals I’m not worthy to untie, and they get curious and follow him as Jesus is going on his way and he turns around and he asks them, what do you want?

That’s amazing. Like just to let that question stand on its own and to ask it of myself as if Jesus were asking it of me. What do I want? And that was so powerful to sit with that and also to imagine it and imagine them answering it, right? And they do, they answer it and they say, we want to see where you’re staying. Where are you staying? And he says, come and see.

And in my imagination, it didn’t stop there. I was like, well, where would he have led them after that? So I’m picturing this whole thing unfold. And our imaginations are not Scripture. This is not divinely inspired in the same way that Scripture is. However, it was so personally meaningful to me because as I followed Jesus to where he was going and where he invited me to come and see.

He took me to this janky 70s apartment building where he was living on the bottom floor in this little apartment. And I followed him in and he gestured for me to sit down at this kitchen table. And he went, this is all wordless now. He went to the kitchenette and he started cooking. And I just sat at that kitchen table and he was cooking and I could start to smell what was being cooked. It smelled so delicious. And I kind of just felt myself like melt back into the chair. And then when the food was ready, he brought it over and he served me and he just sat with me while I ate.

And I just lost it when I told my spiritual director about that encounter. Because at that time it was at the height of everything going wrong. My kids seemed like we couldn’t go four days without some sort of major crisis scenario. And I was trying to buckle down and control. Dan was as well. We were both not our best selves, not our best parenting selves. And we were so exhausted.

And for Jesus to cook for me in the middle of that when I felt like everybody needed something from me at all times and there was never enough for me for him to just say with his actions, no words, I see you, I love you, let me cook you dinner. It just felt like love in a way that no propositional truth could have met me or communicated to me. So that practice of imaginative contemplation,

I actually now lead a group that practices this. We meet a couple times a month and the group is called Come and See from that passage in John 1. It’s just that’s continued to be formative for me.

So yeah, there’s the spiritual formation piece, to my healing, my feeling loved and treasured and not forgotten or discarded. You know, one of the lies that I was repeating over myself as things were all going wrong was that this is such a waste. This whole church plant was such a waste. And not only did it not amount to anything for Dan and I, it ended up hurting our kids.

And I think that imaginative experience at the table was the first time that I began to really receive His love. And gosh, there’s so much goodness and beauty that he can bring out of the worst possible scenarios. And when I was able to receive his goodness and his love and his provision for me in the middle of all of that is when I started to maybe kind of release that narrative that everything had been a waste.

And I look back on it now, our kids are doing so much better. Dan and I are both practicing ministry in a new way. Me as a coach and he as a spiritual director, we’re both in this spiritual formation program, doctor ministry program. There’s just so much good that God is bringing out of that time.

I do remember going to my coach in the middle of, just the struggling time in this certification program and my family’s, bleeding out. And I was basically questioning, can I even do this? And I was coming to her just basically saying, I don’t think I have the time management skills or the willingness to be visible or all the things that you need in order to thrive as a coach.

And she asked me some thoughtful questions. We got down to the place that I felt like I wasn’t sure that going through what we’ve been through and really stepping away from this church that we planted, I wasn’t sure that I had anything positive to give. Because here we had walked away from ministry and now I’m trying to help people in ministry? And she basically helped me question that and said, what do you have? Which is a question that Jesus asks to the disciples at the feeding of the 5,000, right? When they’re like, we don’t have enough. And he says, what do you have?

And I told her, said, I have a place in me that has been hollowed out by suffering. A place where I invite other women to come and be sad or be angry or be afraid. And to have that space held for them where they can just be honest about where they actually are. And that that ends up being the first glimmer of hope and healing sometimes. And she smiled and she said, that’s what people need. They don’t need a coach with great time management skills or who does everything with excellence. We need a place to be welcomed when we’re struggling, a place to be honest about what hurts, to dare to hope that maybe, just maybe not everything is wasted.

Ruth Perry (47:02)
There’s so much I want to respond to, Lisa. Oh my goodness. Man, it’s just such a beautiful picture of God’s redemption that He turned this thing that was so ugly and so hard into your new calling and your new ministry. And it’s just so beautiful. I’m also thinking about how often when we are broken open by something, that’s where God’s light comes in and God’s love comes in. And so these times of brokenness, we can look back and be grateful for them that they were actually a gift because of the redemption and the healing that we received through that. And in all the ways that we didn’t know we needed.

And I’m thinking about when you were going through your certification to be a coach and you offered some free coaching and I took you up on that offer. I had no idea what coaching was. And I don’t remember if we did it one time or two times, but for me, just having that conversation, you helped me to work through my imposter syndrome and my self-doubt and all the reasons I would give myself for not doing more with the Beautiful Kingdom Builders so that I had the courage to step out in faith and start this podcast. And so I need to thank you for that, Lisa.

Lisa (48:19)
Wow.

Ruth Perry (48:20)
I signed up for your group coaching. You have a monthly group coaching right now. And it’s just started in January. So it’s only been two times and both times I came to the group meeting, not knowing that I needed something just completely disembodied from what my life experience is, that’s one of the things that I feel is a carryover from growing up female in complementarianism because we do just cut off all our own needs. We’re focused on meeting everybody else’s needs. And even though I started this process of detangling from patriarchy 15 years ago, I’m still learning all the ways that it’s still in here ⁓ and just needing that push from you to have the courage to do this. And so thank you for that. And I just want to hear more about what your heart is for your ministry and coaching now.

Lisa (48:56)
Yeah, thank you so much and praise God. I’m so happy that any space I created for you ended up resulting in this. I mean, this is such a gift, what you’re doing. Thank you.

So I coach everybody and anybody, but really my focus of my outreach is focused on Christian women and specifically Christian women in ministry and in leadership roles. And that really comes from so much experience myself on that path. And so I feel like I can speak to people who are working through some of the challenges and some of the joys of being in ministry and what that can mean for our own personal faith and well-being.

I feel like one of the things that encapsulates what I do is really teaching people how to speak to themselves the way Jesus speaks to them. I think it is a lost area of discipleship. That very often we focus on, especially in church planting, it’s all about reaching the unreached, obviously very important. It’s all about this outward external focus on growth.

And what I’m discovering is that there’s a lot of people currently in the church and currently leading the church who have not fully embodied and integrated and aligned with the methods of Jesus in how they lead themselves and others. So if the way that we talk to ourselves would not sound at home in the mouth of Jesus, then we shouldn’t be using those words and those tones.

And just from my own personal experience, again, this whole idea of excellence and perfectionism, it’s actually something that plagues women in ministry leadership in particular to have a very high standard of expectations, not only externally, but internally. And so when we’re not allowed to be human, when we don’t allow ourselves to make mistakes.

Really, we just are encouraging a bifurcation of public and private life because nobody doesn’t make mistakes. We all make mistakes, right? And so what that perfectionism does is it forces a very harsh disparity between public and private. And then there’s so much shame that can thrive in all the private hidden places about the ways that we do fail and the ways that we do, miss the mark, which is what sin actually means.

So it’s just my honor and pleasure to get to help, specifically women in ministry, really learn how to use the voice and the tone and the words of Jesus as they speak to themselves. You know, we talked earlier about befriending the little version of me. There’s been so much healing and goodness that has come from that.

And so many of us, even in ministry, are expecting the fruit of the kingdom of God, but using the methods of the accuser, being really hard on ourselves, being really hard on others. Jesus says, like house divided against itself, a kingdom divided against itself will not stand. So I love doing this work of helping women really just gain the skill and then the practice of treating themselves the way Jesus treats them.

Ruth Perry (52:27)
It felt really holy, the times that I’ve experienced your coaching, just your skill at listening really well and digging into the issues, under the issues, and also just being seen by somebody. I think in our culture, we’re just all moving too fast, but as Christians who are called to love our neighbors. The practice of seeing people and just being present to them is really beautiful. And I think that’s what the church needs more of. And so where can people find your website and where are you on social media, Lisa?

Lisa (53:02)
Yeah, I’m on Facebook and Instagram at Lisa Wells Coaching and my website is lisawellscoaching.com and I would love to hear from your listeners. Reach out.

Ruth Perry (53:12)
I recommend they do. Yeah. And I thank you for all your time today, Lisa. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we say goodbye?

Lisa (53:20)
Yes, actually. I would love to talk a little bit about some research that I’ve done recently connected to my doctor ministry program. I took a class called Ministering to Women in Pain, and that class was incredible. And we each had the opportunity to choose a topic for research. And I chose the topic of loneliness and isolation in clergy spouses.

And it was so raw reading this research that had been done. Clergy spouses are an understudied population, but the studies that are out there do show some significant stressors that people married to clergy face. And it’s interesting because, I think this came through in my story. I certainly felt a calling to ministry. So my role in the church was not simply, mediated by my connection to Dan. And yet my connection to Dan did impact how I related to my role, how I related to the church body. So there were still some overlap there in how that all played out.

And so as I did this research, the stressors that really just kind of jumped off the page for me were obviously social isolation. That was a primary one. Perfectionistic expectations, that pressure for excellence always and boundary ambiguity was another one.

Then we’ve got some of the more contextual stressors of financial pressure and mobility, so moving from community to community. I know that depending on what denominational affiliation you have and what the requirements are for moving or what the compensation packages look like, those last two can really vary very widely from ministry family to ministry family.

But those first three, the social isolation, the perfectionistic expectations, and the boundary ambiguity are really in common among almost all clergy spouses. And the impact of those is particularly challenging for women because of some of the stresses that we hold even just as members of society. Some of the expectations that we hold, right, in the home and in the workplace and in third spaces in our communities, how our voices are welcome or not welcome.

So, I started to really peel back and look at what does the research say about what it means to carry a role that doesn’t have a job description. You know, there’s no professional development available to clergy spouses because it’s not a profession.

When the church goes through really challenging times, very often the person who’s employed as the pastor has some sort of network, whether it’s denominational or just other local pastors but the pastor’s spouse very often doesn’t have those connections, or at least not in the same way.

So it kind of amps up the struggle that they’re facing. So the social isolation can also be impacted by power dynamics. Well-meaning, relational connection that’s happening in the church is a layered reality because anything that we share about our kids, about our marriage, about our own faith and our own doubt and our own misgivings things that can come back and impact our spouse’s employment. So being very guarded sometimes about what we’re willing to share.

The social isolation of being left to do childcare duties during late night meetings or weekend responsibilities. If there’s kids in the home, that often is an intense reality for women who are married to pastors or women who are pastors who are married. They’re often expected to carry two full-time responsibilities.

And gosh, the fuzzy boundaries that really spoke to me too. This idea that is the church purchasing my husband’s attention and availability? And does that mean that he can’t turn off? Is the church purchasing my attention and availability? And does that mean that I can’t say no? Really just holding the complexities of these roles and trying to support now as a coach, as someone who is designing environments for women in ministry leadership, really just holding space for women to, first of all, unburden, say what’s true, talk about how these multiple stressors are impacting them in their actual physical bodies, their health, their mental health, their well-being.

We talked a little bit earlier about how we talk to ourselves. That’s where those perfectionistic expectations really come into play. You know, if we’re not allowed to be fallible, to have things that we wish we would do differently and not being able to be real with people about that can be really isolating and really challenging.

So as I’ve done that research, I just want to share with your audience, if you are a woman married to a pastor or if you are a woman pastor, it makes so much sense why so much of the role that you’re in, so much of the responsibilities and the challenges that go with that feel heavy sometimes. And part of my heart as a coach is to come alongside and give women opportunity to process that, to be seen, to be heard, to meet other women in ministry leadership who are also seeking a deeper connection with God and themselves and with others.

So I just wanted to make sure that research was something that I got to share a little bit with the people who listen to your podcast because it’s something that I wasn’t aware of as a pastor’s spouse and even as someone that was in ministry myself, Irrespective of my marriage.

It just, it’s a lot to carry and we need each other. We need support. So that’s something that I’m so privileged and honored to be able to provide as a coach. So thank you so much for this conversation and for asking these thoughtful questions and giving me space to share. It’s been a treat.

Ruth Perry (59:51)
It’s been amazing. mean, your research, how fascinating. That’s really valuable that you’ve looked into that and now you’re meeting that need. So thank you, Lisa, for being generous with your time today and many blessings to you in your ministry to women. God bless.

Lisa (1:00:08)
Thank you, Ruth, you too.


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011 I Kathy Escobar on Reimagining Faith for a New Day

You can find Kathy Escobar’s books on Amazon: https://amzn.to/4kBXsG4 or on her website, KathyEscobar.com

I’m so delighted to share this conversation that I had with Kathy Escobar, writer, pastor, advocate, speaker and spiritual director. You can find out more about Kathy’s work at KathyEscobar.com and find all of her books here.

I read her book in 2016 and shared a review here on the blog exactly ten years ago. As I prepared to interview Kathy, I remembered the trend going around right now of sharing pictures of ourselves in 2016 and reflecting on how much we and our world have changed in that time. We’ve been through a lot, my friends. Kathy’s book, “Faith Shift”, is as relevant today as it was to me ten years ago, as I was grappling with the cognitive dissonance of spiritual trauma and deconstructing my conservative Baptist upbringing. We talk through all the stages of a faith shift together in this episode: Fusing, Shifting, Returning, Unraveling, Severing and Rebuilding (or Reimagining, if she could write it again today.) We talked about co-dependency and being a “Good Christian Woman” vs. an “Ex Good Christian Woman,” which I blogged about in 2015 here. We talked about embodiment and activism and finding church and ministry outside of evangelicalsm. It was such a fun conversation, and I know you’ll get a lot from it!

You can listen to our episode together on The Beautiful Kingdom Builders Podcast on YouTubeSpotifyApple PodcastsAmazon Music, or more! If you find our conversation helpful, please share it with a friend, rate and review, and subscribe so you never miss an episode!

TRANSCRIPT:

Ruth Perry (00:15)
My guest today is Kathy Escobar, a pastor, writer, advocate, speaker, and spiritual director. And on her website, she describes herself as a community cultivator and change catalyzer who believes in the power of human connection and that healthier people make healthier families, communities, and systems. Welcome, Kathy. Thank you for being here today.

Kathy Escobar (00:36)
it’s so fun. I’m so glad we get to hang out.

Ruth Perry (00:39)
You’ve written many beautiful books, but I wanted to bring you on to talk about this book, Faith Shift. I read this 10 years ago, And on the cover it has a blurb from Rachel Held Evans saying, “Faith Shift is a must read for every doubter, misfit or dreamer who has ever felt alone in the church.” And that was definitely me 10 years ago. And so I’m so grateful that I found your book and I’m grateful that here today.

And just thinking about how 10 years ago was 2016 and there’s that trend right now, people sharing pictures of themselves in 2016 and reflecting on how much the world has changed in one decade because we’ve seen the rise of MAGA and Christian nationalism and the Black Lives Matter movement and the Me Too movement. We’ve seen the erosion of our democracy and civil rights and now the scapegoating and oppression of immigrants and covering up the Epstein files. I mean, just so much for 10 years. so, And the church has just hemorrhaged people. I think people have been questioning their faith and walking away from their faith communities.

Kathy Escobar (01:36)
It’s a lot. It’s a lot.

Ruth Perry (01:46)
I think this last 10 years is a really important time for us to reflect on. And so first of all, I want to say kudos to you for writing such an important book.

Kathy Escobar (01:55)
I have to say like just you reading Rachel’s cover quote, it gave me chills. it is so, so special that we were connected all those years ago. And honestly, I attribute a lot of what happened with Faith Shift to Rachel and her support for the process and the book, but just more than anything, the process. I mean, that’s really what the material was about. And it is interesting because it’s 12 years now and then 10 years of kind of really this 2016 and 2026. a lot’s happened. And it’s interesting how it is more timeless than I thought.

Because you know, I knew when I wrote it there were people that were already, way past they had unraveled and were rebuilding and reimagining and then there are people just entering in the story and then that people would be entering into the story a few years later, but now we’re 12 years later and then there’s brand new people because of the way things have ramped up and I am so glad I would change a few things in there, very few on the whole.

The I really still stand behind, but I think what I love is that people can at least find some kindredness because it’s a hard process. And right now with so many people going, I can’t do this anymore. Like that was a few calls this morning of just setting up meetings. Like I’m done. I can’t go anymore. I can’t be part anymore. And just people wanting some support for that so that we’re not struggling so much through the because there’s a long line. You’re one of them who have done that work, you know, and now we’re here to hold the container for other people. And I’m glad that there is way more support now in 2026 than there was in 2014.

Ruth Perry (03:42)
When I came to your book, I was in a really broken place because my home church had gone through a split and my dad had been the senior pastor and my brother had been his associate pastor. And everybody in the church was like family to me. I just never could have imagined that they would treat us the way we were treated and the things that we experienced, it was really traumatic on multiple levels. And so I was reeling from that.

And then also, I had grown up complementarian and then God called me to be a pastor in 2010 when I was pregnant with my third child. And so I was going through all the cognitive dissonance of trying to figure that out. And so my faith was just really, you describe it as spiritual vertigo in your book. And that was exactly how I was feeling. It was a really, really painful season. And so when I came to your blog, and was reading your posts and then I discovered you had a book and I ordered this. It was like finding balm in Gilead. You gave me language and insight that helped me understand the season I was in and that helped me to persevere and make it through. And so just thank you from the bottom of my heart to you personally for that. And I do hope more people read your book.

Kathy Escobar (04:53)
That means so much and that’s exactly why I wrote it right there. always it was just like may it get into the hands of the people that need it the most and and just find ourselves in the story and that was always you know the language in there I kind of do have these movements of a faith shift and evolution of faith But it was like change the words change the way that change how it looks it doesn’t matter Just grab what you need for your story that’s gonna help you

Ruth Perry (05:22)
Before we talk about the book, can you tell us a little bit about your own personal faith background?

Kathy Escobar (05:27)
Yeah, so I was not raised in church and so that’s an interesting part because like I know what it was like before kind of going in on the system and so my family, my dad was a hippie in Northern California. My mom had gone through one marriage and married my dad and left him and so our whole our whole house was kind of I’d say super spiritual but not religious and so I would go to a Catholic church with my grandparents when I was visiting them and that was sweet but I was super lost and didn’t understand anything that was happening but somewhere along the line someone invited me to Vacation Bible School and I went and I was always hungry for spiritual connection always.

So I went and I prayed the prayer, didn’t do anything. You know, I didn’t have any structures. Then somewhere along the line, someone gave me this little white Bible. And I still have it in my memento box. And they just were like, read this and read John. And I don’t remember my exact age, but I was an avid reader really young. And it was probably late elementary, early middle school. And I was just super drawn to Jesus. I was. I thought Jesus was super cool. I loved that it was all the outcasts and the lepers and that part of it really I was drawn in and my family had a lot of chaos and so I felt that connection. I did. There was something about it.

So it was pretty pure, is the bottom line because I didn’t go to church. So I wasn’t systemized at It was real and I have a lot of journals like Dear God and Dear Jesus and I just was kind of kind like that Judy Blume book. You know, I was just reaching out for connection. And so I did end up going to an evangelical church in my high school years with my boyfriend at the time. Something did kind of happen. I just was more hungry for it. And that was kind of the entry into evangelicalism and so just started to go more started to listen to what they said and so.

For me, my background became being part of mainly evangelical churches, Calvary chapels. We went to the Vineyard for a little bit, those sort of attractional churches that were in the evangelical stream where women didn’t teach and lead, but it was like really fun to be part of. There was a lot of whiz bang and there was this thing happening of this is a way you can live your life. And I was really drawn to it because I didn’t have a lot of boundaries or I didn’t really have any certainty in my family. And I did feel a security in that system. So I was in that system for a chunk of years. I always kind of pushed against it because I went to Pepperdine University for my undergrad and I was one of the poorest people there. I drove up in my Datsun B210 1976. You know, there’s Ferraris and Mercedes and BMWs.

And I didn’t really get the Church of Christ thing because I wasn’t church, you know, I didn’t really get it. And then the girls in my Bible class were crying and saying, it’s so terrible, I can’t serve communion, they won’t let me do this, I can’t serve communion. I was looking at them going like, what’s your problem? Why are you there if they’re not letting you serve communion? And the irony is just probably about four or five years later, I was in churches like that with my husband.

Really there and that is strange thing for me. And so I always describe like a funnel, but there’s a funnel on both sides and one is like going up into the tightness of a funnel, like the base. And so I was in that system for a chunk of years, but it’s kind of always like pressing out on it. And then a big piece was bumping up into all kinds of things, primarily related to women, the LGBT community, the inerrancy of the Bible, things that just didn’t make sense to me. the system was saying, but this is what it says. And this is, you just don’t know cause you’re young in your faith. And I questioned myself.

I didn’t have some security, but I kept growing up. And when everything came apart for me, it was really was in 2006. I really describe it as the funnel out in now it’s this many years later. 20 years later and my funnel is way out. And I’m so glad and then I still have good things that are left and that’s the piece of Faith Shift is that there’s a way to reimagine and pursue a faith that has those values of mystery and diversity and freedom but the systems are just so terrible at helping us with that. So that’s kind of my background.

I am an ex-vangelical for sure but I’m not whereI grew up, you know, I kind of have this different foundation now, but it is wide and expansive and I’m so grateful I got out.

Ruth Perry (10:20)
In your first chapter in Faith Shift, you wrote, “Most Christians are taught that faith is defined by an event, salvation. After we get saved, we turn our energies to keeping faith, growing it, spreading it. The truth is growth and change are natural parts of our relationship with God. God invites us to be in motion, but often the faith systems we are a part of don’t. Our changes can feel threatening to those who are used to believing and behaving a particular way. A faith shift, what often feels like a failure or an end can actually be a doorway to something more, something bigger and truer.” That’s from chapter one, you titled, You’re Not Crazy, You’re Not Alone, which was excellent. So you had gone through that process, then of faith shifting that brought you to write this book. And who were you picturing as your readers?

Kathy Escobar (11:00)
Yeah. Well, I think the readers were the people that I was around circles with here in Denver. There was just this little covert group of people. A lot of them were in ministry, not everybody, and that were just asking these really good questions together. And we would sit here in the backyard around campfires and coffee shops and over dinner and just really talk about what we didn’t hold on to anymore. What does that mean?

And kind of this idea, I wrote a post about spiritual Jenga, if you start taking out core things that people said, you have to have, will the whole thing come down? So those kinds of things, and what does it mean if the whole thing comes down? What does it mean for my kids? What does it mean for myself? I put a lot into it. There’s a ton of grief related to these changes because we have lived a certain way. I had a lot built in my identity as a really good Christian and certainty, you know, in faith shift, I think we’ll probably talk a little bit more about those movements, but you know, in that fusing, like that initial thing of certainty and conformity and belonging and affiliate, like those things are so strong.

And so when they start to come apart, like who are we? And so that was really the people that were part of The Refuge community at the very beginning were huge. And also you started with Rachel’s quote is that I started writing in 2007. I started looking up stuff in 2006 when The Refuge started. We’re getting ready to have our 20 year birthday in April. And in 2006 and seven, I started meeting some other people in other places. We’re still friends and everybody has had a huge faith deconstruction and is I mean life in new ways. But we were connecting around the United States. I mean that’s how I met Rachel was writing and I met her in real life and we became friends and there were so many of us in that stream. And so by 2014, It was just a lot of people resonating with the same things.

There were lot of things out of the themes were always the same. And it was always, I used to be here. It’s not resonating anymore. What is available to me? Like is there life on the other side or is that part of my life completely done? And honestly, it feels so disorienting. That was the biggest theme by far was the disorientation of losing the things that we once had. And I think that ⁓ a piece of the conversations were always, I framed it in faith shift this way, but it was always what we were talking about is that’s when we lose our beliefs, then we lose the structures that support those beliefs, then we lose the relationships that are in those structures, and then we lose our identity.

And so that’s what everyone was talking about. Who am I now? And is it okay? Am I going to be okay? Was a huge piece. Am I going to be okay? Especially people, I didn’t have it as strong because I was in evangelicalism, but I wasn’t in fundamentalism. And so there were a lot of things about what’s going to happen to me eternally if I walk away from all those belief systems, am I going to burn in hell for the rest of my life? Like I told people they would. And you know, those kinds of things were really, really deep. And then I had more of the, who am I without it? Because I did get a lot out of that system. And, and some a lot of fear of just, what do I, if you don’t believe this, then what do you believe? And so that was a big piece of my process.

Ruth Perry (14:35)
Yeah. Yeah, your book, you name each of those stages. And if you don’t mind walking through the stages again and give us the name and then what’s going on in each stage of a faith shift.

Kathy Escobar (15:04)
Yeah, I’m glad to do that. And so, infusing, infusing is like our start.

It’s just our start and our start looks different. Mine was, when I was a kid, but it wasn’t born with it. Some people started with it in the womb. Some people were 30, you know, wherever it was, but it is that desire for the core values. There are certainty and conformity and affiliation. So like truth, knowing what this is, this kind of conforming to the norms of the group and then being part of something, what it feels like to be part. Most people all have that. That’s just part of it. But some people stay there.

I would say most people do probably go through a little bit of shifting and I describe that as a like wavy line where you just start to question some things. like hmm. It’s when you’re sitting in church and you’re like why are we singing that song? Could I be doing something better with my time? Is this what Jesus wanted? I don’t know if I agree with that thing the pastor just said that doesn’t make sense in real life or they’re talking about my kid right now when they’re talking about LGBT stuff, whatever it is it’s like rumbly is how I describe shifting and what happens is, I think a lot of people fuse and a lot of people rumble.

And then a stage in there of returning kind of just like an arrow back over, like, I don’t know, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. It’s familiar to me, it’s comfortable enough, whatever. And I think there’s a lot in that cycle of fusing, shifting, returning, and just kind of staying there. Then there’s some of us, where you’re definitely one, I’m definitely one, a lot of people listening, I’m sure are too.

The biggest thing on shifting, it’s in our control. It’s in our control. A lot of us hit a place where it’s no longer in our control. a bridge too far. It is too big of a violation in our core values. something that happens in our life. A lot of people I know, their faith shift started when they got divorced and how the church responded to them. In my situation, I had a traumatic event as a leader where horrible power things were revealed like Oz. It was like the curtain and it was so bad. It was just terrible. And I couldn’t not look at it. I could not close the curtain. That I would say is when we hit the next three, which all faith deconstructors really probably connect with the most. And that is unraveling. And it’s a free fall down, man. is not shifting does not describe it.

And we kind of struggle with the faith shift language a little bit, like that it wasn’t strong enough, you know, for what happened. But it is because it’s all a big shift in our lives and a transition. But unraveling is when it just really gets out of our control. And that’s what happened to me. Like once I saw I saw the inequity, I saw the terrible things that were being said about people on the margins. I saw consolidated power. Saw God card getting played all the time. I couldn’t unsee it. I couldn’t un-feel it. And it’s just like a free fall down. And in unraveling is a desire for uncertainty, authenticity, and autonomy.

Because it’s like, gotta figure out what I need and no one’s gonna tell me anymore. You know, those kinds of things. And in there, in unraveling, big, big ball of grief. And I already said the four things when we lose those beliefs and then structures, relationships and identity. It’s just unraveling. It’s just a bunch of grief. And then the bottom one, which when we were working on the project, my editors and I, and I never forget this conversation. We were trying to come up with different words about severing because the truth is some people really walk away from it all like they really do. I never fully severed. So when I kind of looked at the Faith Shift, Faith Evolution model I say to people, it’s on a napkin. It’s not the whole cross the bridge to Jesus thing. It’s a totally different model, but it is something you could just draw it your own way. I drew it this way to give a visual for it.

And so at the bottom is severing like people really do have to leave emotionally. And that’s where atheism, agnosticism and the one that I always leave room for is a true break from the old toxic system. And you need to detox and especially when you’re in spiritually abusive systems, you can’t just go to something new. It’s a spiritual bypass. You’re not going to make it. So you have to like cut and cleanse. And some people sever forever. And the part with the book was really leaving room for that. It’s very controversial. It’s not to me, because I see people do just fine if they sever. But there are people that want to rebuild or reimagine something else.

And so I will say a chunk of years now, I changed the language that’s in Faith Shift from rebuilding to reimagining. Whenever I’m with a group on this, I would use reimagine now instead of rebuilding because rebuilding was fine for then, but so much has changed and building something is also a lot of resistance to that for good reason. You’re just building something else that has to come down. But reimagining, really resonates and in reimagining it’s just like a bunch of like squiggly lines. And it’s not back here it’s like this way it’s forward and it’s squiggly and it’s messy and it’s up and down and all around but it’s a search the core values that guide reimagining slash rebuilding are a desire for greater mystery freedom and diversity in all the things so it’s a wider everything.

The thing I want to say about my editors is that when we were in the room workshopping this, they kept wanting to have an infinity model. And it didn’t leave room for severing and people don’t go back there. Like it doesn’t flow that way. And it was funny. We went round and round and I just kept saying, no, it doesn’t resonate with me or the people that I journey with. And then they finally throw their pens down. They’re like, okay, we’re really off on this, aren’t we? And I was like, yeah, I think so. I do. Because it’s just not people’s experiences.

And I’ve had multiple people tell me that if severing, wasn’t on there, they would have thrown the book away. They would have thrown the book away. They would have got that far and people need permission in themselves. They don’t need permission from me. They need permission in themselves to let that be and find out who we are separated from the system. I never fully separated my story because of The Refuge and we started it and I had a place to do stuff. So I came close, I thought about it, but I had the luxury kind of of being around a bunch of other people, reimagining together. But there’s so many that need that and I think that that’s the problem when we try and go well you’re just going through a faith and you’ll come back around and that’s just not how this works in most cases when we really unravel.

Ruth Perry (22:06)
I feel like I did sever, even though I’ve always maintained my relationships and my faith. I’ve reimagined it, but I severed from the need to people please. I had to sever from the codependency of the toxic system that I was in, especially in my closest relationships, where I had to learn that I had to have integrity and authenticity in doing what I felt was right, not doing what other people expected of me. And so in that way, I felt like the severing language was really impactful for me.

Kathy Escobar (22:32)
Yeah. I’m so glad. I’m so glad and it’s brave and it’s hard, but it’s so healthy. Like it is so healthy to detach and sever from toxic things. Like that’s not a stretch in the world.

Ruth Perry (22:50)
Yeah, that’s my next question for you actually is How, when people start rebuilding or reimagining their faith and going through this process, what do you see is healthier in their life than before?

Kathy Escobar (23:01)
Well, I always say this, I mean, and this is a bad stat, but in my experience, and I can say this because I can line up every single person I know, 100 % of the time, people are healthier and more free. And it’s one of my deep sadnesses, to be honest, because I’m mainly in the Christian tradition. And so for that many people spending that much time in that system, there should be a lot more freedom.

And so to have to go through this whole process of untangling for so many things to become a healthier, more freer person is very sad. What I’ve seen on the whole is people just really learn how to live more true to their truest true, which one of the worst toxic theology things that’s taught in my opinion is that, our heart is wicked above all things, that we can’t trust you’re nothing apart from Jesus.

You know that God is in control of everything and you’ve got to find your way into God’s will or if you’re out if anything bad in your life, then it’s not in alignment with God somehow. It’s so much power and control. And so it is healthy to leave those kinds of toxic abusive relationships. I think the health that I see is as we learn how to tell the truth more. We learn how to not be split. Like we’re not one thing on the inside that we’re like, and then outside we’re pretending like we’re doing fine because we just don’t have a safe place to be authentic.

So I think health is healing the split and everyone becomes more whole. I think the other piece is actually listening to our bodies. So a huge piece of evangelical fundamentalist Christianity is disembodiment and just being cut off from our bodies and that was a huge thing for me and so I couldn’t even tell you like what am I feeling?

What’s my feeling? I don’t know. I don’t even know because you have to find that feeling in your body. It’s not a head thing. You feel and where do you feel it in your body and just really being disconnected. And so I think what happens in the spaces of mystery and in the spaces of freedom to explore different spiritual practices, what works and doesn’t work instead of having to like buy into all of it. And freedom, like people really settle in to become healthier.

And I just feel it makes me want to cry because I, last night at our house of refuge, I’ve known some of those people since the beginning of The Refuge. And we’re still here meeting in our house. This is one piece of the work of The Refuge still is house of refuge. It’s every other Wednesday night at Collective Spiritual Conversations and I can’t even tell you the healing. It’s crazy what happened when everybody got out of the thing that they were so dedicated to. And it doesn’t mean there’s not still realities of mental health. There’s not still realities of struggles in this world. Nothing’s resolved because it’s the human experience. But it’s like everyone is not carrying that burden on top of those things anymore. And it’s so fun to see. I am amazed at something that has so much money and so much time and so much energy and so much culture and all those things just does not produce health. That’s what it is. It just doesn’t produce that many healthy people. And that’s a shame. That’s a shame.

It really is because it’s a lot of opportunity to put in really good stuff for people. The stuff that we really need and that is how to be more whole and authentic and secure and free and use your gifts freely and follow the deepest desires of your heart for the greater good in the world without control, someone controlling that. So there’s my long answer to that question.

Ruth Perry (26:36)
Yeah. I think between being a codependent people pleaser and just absorbing everybody else’s needs and then on top of that having the same disembodiment issue, I know that my work is embodiment healing that I need to do. So what do you recommend? Where do I start?

Kathy Escobar (27:20)
My gosh, well you know one thing is my friend Janelle Absramsey, she’s edited and written in a few different books. She’s a good friend of mine. We actually met through Faith Shift. She came to a Faith Shift processing party that we had. I did some of those in the early days just creating space to kind of walk through. We met there and she’s now the co-director of Brew Theology in Denver. And she just came to, we have a group at The Refuge called Reimagine on Sunday night, first Sunday night of the month, virtually. It’s one of our only like wide ⁓ on the weekend virtual groups. And it came out of a desire, honestly, our first year was related to church burnouts and freedom seekers and people that were just desiring something different. And then this last year we switched a little bit more to practical and soulful resourcing to navigate these turbulent times because what’s happening in the wider story right now in 2026. It’s been happening for 10 years, but it really has been happening long before that, but it’s illuminated the Christian nationalism thing, the double down, the misogyny.

It’s so deep and it really is rattling. Even people who have been in a pretty good place over the years just feel that wound opened and then new people feeling the wound and finding out. So Reimagine is about that like resourcing. So she came and she had a whole thing on embodiment and it was so good. I can send you at least the PDF because it has a bunch of resources and I think you would really, I think you’d really connect and she’s a pastor, a piece of the story. It’s okay for me to say this. Our multi-faith group that I’m part of, she joined, I’ve been part for 15 years, she joined a chunk of years ago after not being able to be ordained in the denomination that she grew up in. We ordained her.

It was incredible. It was so beautiful. There were like seven faiths. We had a beautiful service. I was part of helping curate it. And it was really one of the holiest things because she’s an incredible pastor. She’s an incredible pastor and we ordained her.

Ruth Perry (29:17)
Beautiful.

Kathy Escobar (29:33)
I knew it was one of the coolest multi-faith things that we did. We do a lot of cool things, but that was like way up in the books of one of the coolest things that we’ve done together in the time that I’ve been there.

Ruth Perry (29:43)
Yeah, patriarchy is pretty insidious in a lot of the church. And so that was one of the things that I really appreciated in your blog, I think more than your book. I don’t remember from the book if you addressed it as much, but in your blog, I really loved your post, Good Christian Woman versus Ex-Good Christian Woman. And I think I shared it with hundreds of people probably at the time. And so I just thought I would read

Kathy Escobar (30:08)
That was a long time ago, yeah.

Ruth Perry (30:11)
You made this bullet list of qualities of a good Christian woman. You said they:
rarely engage in conflict,
are terrible at saying no because it feels selfish,
know how to say the right things, do the right things to keep the peace,
continually strive, and I do mean strive, to be a better wife, better mother, better Christian,
live with a feeling that God is disappointed with us somehow.
feel a lot of shame for who we are and who we aren’t, but rarely say it out loud.
doubt our leadership, feelings, gifts, dreams.
dwell on the things we should be doing differently or better.
view anger as sin and always seek permission.
That’s so heavy.

Kathy Escobar (30:49)
It’s a lot. I love that post though. And you know what? It is one of my top posts ever. And that was from like, what year was that? It was a long time ago.

Ruth Perry (30:59)
Yeah, well, it probably was in 2014 or 2016 or so when I was reading your book, I’m guessing. And then you provided a better list. Ex-good Christian women are:
learning to show up in relationship instead of hiding,
engage in conflict instead of avoid it,
say no with less and less guilt and say yes more freely, more honestly,
tell the truth,
respect anger
are honest about shame,
live in the present,
are beginning to believe we are enough here and now,
open ourselves up to dreams and passions and living out what God is stirring up in us,
lead and love and live in all kinds of new ways with or without permission,
are discovering that God is much bigger than we were ever taught and loves us more than we ever knew.
What a much more beautiful picture of Christian womanhood, huh?

Kathy Escobar (31:52)
And honestly as you read those like so much is in there on embodiment honestly. Embodiment really is just being like that living through us. And so our being connected to the deepest parts of our soul and our bodies and like one thing instead of a bunch of fragmented things. That really is what to me embodiment is. And then moving in the world that way, showing up in rooms that way. Our back straight and our head held high, which is so hard when we were taught to just be up space, saying what we want and what we need. So like that to me is all embodiment. And so I love that list. I do still love it after all these years.

Ruth Perry (32:38)
How does a performance-based faith, like our early faith stage, create codependency in us, do you think?

Kathy Escobar (32:45)
Well, I have a lot of things written about our codependent relationship with God. so, the truth is, mean, honestly, it is kind of a setup because in codependence, you’re always striving to kind of be okay. That’s ultimately what it is. The definition for me for codependence is any pattern or anything that we do that makes us be okay. And when we don’t do it, we’re not okay.

And so, those basically have, you know, shame and self-worth and compliance and avoidance and control, like all these ways that we try and be okay. So, performance-based with God is pretty simple in those systems that you’re, talking about that a lot of people listening probably were part of. It’s just really is performance-based.

You’re evaluated for how you say things. You’re evaluated for what you look like. You’re evaluated for how you serve God. My whole thing is you just say a lot of God things, people think that it’s awesome. I was like, throwing in Bible verses does not mean anything. But to even the Christian world, they’re like, ⁓ that person you can trust, even though their life is not indicative of those Bible verses.

We value those kinds of things. And so I think that performance and then you really put in, economic security. There’s a lot of things that the lie of white supremacy, Christian supremacy, Bible supremacy, male supremacy, like those lies are really deep in us and they’re a huge part. And so in relationship with God, when we’re taught that we are okay if we do these things, if we believe these things or if we behave this way, whatever that looks like, it creates this cycle and I was in one for sure, because I am an adult child of an alcoholic, I know co-dependence. I still go to meetings, the Refuge House, the Refuge Recovery meeting twice a month, and it’s a great meeting because we’re all just trying to be healthier humans. That’s really what we’re trying to do.

But in my God season, it was just never feeling like I was enough, which is what most co-dependents feel. Never feeling like if I said the truth, what does that say about my faith? And then I’m in a less standing with God. And then constant trying to make sure that I’m proving my worth in the world.

First to God and then to other people. And so it is just a vicious cycle. And honestly, it’s an addiction. The way to break out of codependency is similar to other addictions. And it really takes being honest about these things and saying it’s not working. And when I look at it now, I mean, it’s so many years later, but it’s really sad, the setup with God.

To be in this constant cycle. It is an abusive relationship, the way that the theological constructs that people taught us about God and then the setup of what it meant to be part of that system. And so honestly, it’s like untangling from an abusive relationship. And I know that’s not on God. That’s not on God. That is on the people that taught us that. And so I do think it’s confusing because the people get so merged with who, with God.

They’re all tangled up and they were claiming God. And I think that was a big piece of the work for me was really trying to separate out. Like even though I was taught these things doesn’t mean that that’s who God is. And there are now especially being out of the system for 20 years this year. I can say it’s amazing to be in the multi-faith space and the inter spiritual so many different things progressive Christian like it doesn’t matter like across, there’s just a lot more out there than that very narrow system and I’m in awe all the time about that and how sad it is that we just have put God in the most narrow thing and then said this is the only way and you are measured against this standard.

Ruth Perry (36:50)
Yeah. And the certainty piece too of the early stage where we see everything so concretely one way or another. And is it growing to be a problem where if you start to feel a little dissonant about one little thing. Now, if you bring that up, you almost get ejected immediately, like written off. There is so much more control in these groups about who belongs, who’s in and who’s out. And so part of it too is they’re like forcing people into their faith shift, maybe a little prematurely at times, because they’re like, I’ve been ejected.

Kathy Escobar (37:23)
I know, I think you’re right, I do. I think now, when I talk to people, I’m like, do you like being there? Well, yeah, I do like being there. And like, but I’m troubled about this. And so just the best way to test it is just to see what happens when you ask a question and you push against or you disagree. That’s how you test what a system is made of.

And I have people that systems have done just fine, honestly, because healthy systems and they can do it. They might not love it, but those do tend to be more progressive, inclusive communities that can hold a much wider breadth of the mystery of faith and don’t have really strict doctrinal statements. They might say what they believe, but it’s just got a lot of room in it. And then I’ve had others, you know, they just, it was awful.

And so, and sometimes what’s hard is like, some people like get forced out by the system, but way more get forced out by just going, I can’t do this anymore. And then what happens is they stop going and no one cared, no one cared. And that is a very sad thing. I hear that story a lot. They just were like, I stopped going, no one cared. Or I said I couldn’t go anymore because my kid’s gay and I’m not gonna go to this church anymore that believes something different. It’s not right for me. I’m just using that one example. And then just nobody cares. I mean, it’s just that simple. The wheels of the machine just keep going and no one misses them. And you know, it’s just that I think it’s both ways. Like you have the system goes, you know what, if you believe that this is not a place for you. And you’re wrong.

And there’s just so many degrees of how the system sucks. I mean, basically, that’s kind of where I land. The system just sucks at nuance and it sucks at good transitions. Like it doesn’t know how to go, gosh, we honor that. This isn’t the place for that, but we honor that. How can we end something well? How can we celebrate what you’ve done here? It just never does it. Everyone just ends out on the outs of the system for the most part. I don’t have that many good stories of good transitions out.

Ruth Perry (39:47)
Something I’ve noticed, maybe you’ve noticed this too, is because my background was evangelical and we kind of got ejected when the church split. So we started going to evangelical churches further and further and further away. We eventually after a few years of doing this, we landed in a church, and it was great. But looking back, I can’t believe that I never, tried the Methodist Church in town or the Episcopal Church in town. I was just so in this, I gotta go to an evangelical church because they’re the true Christians. And I mean, that was years and years and years. And I’m finally now for two and a half years, I’ve been a clergy person in the United Methodist Church. But they invited me, I never reached out to them. I was still looking at evangelical churches. So what is that about? What do you think that is, Kathy?

Kathy Escobar (40:17)
Yeah. Love it. Yes. My gosh, I think because I totally agree with you. I love the Methodist Church. There’s different ones but ones that really like made it through this split that they had. And the Episcopal Church and I have a lot of UCC friends like the DOC. There’s some great denominations that I would agree with you. I knew they existed. I didn’t think that they were worth connecting to because I was taught that they weren’t the true believers basically.

I mean that was said overtly and in all the culture and this is where the real juice of Jesus is and so I just think that the mainline churches have so much good. I can see in the justice space, because I’m in the justice space here in lots of ways, in activism, like, I’m telling you, the main lines are out there. The multi-faith are out there in the streets across all faiths. And they all have their own, you know, degrees of progressivism and conservatism, but just tend to be so much more action and faith in action than evangelicalism.

And the evangelicals, frankly, are just not there, usually, in most of the circles. It’s not exclusive. I’m not going to say all, but by far, it’s a very very small percentage and it’s really interesting because there’s just something so off on that system’s ability to play with others and it’s just a closed system and it’s because what comes back to the beginning really there’s just a certainty that they’re right and everyone else is wrong.

And that is so sad. So I’m so happy that you have found a place there and I have seen this a lot, is this place where gifts are valued freely. And I know watching so many female leaders lead and be ordained, become deacons and elders and pastor all different roles, just really find their way in the right churches. And they just are never in evangelical churches. They just never are, for the most part. They just aren’t.

Ruth Perry (42:51)
Yeah. When I was in that culture too, another piece was fear of people outside of my group. I just had so much fear and that fear kept me from really loving people. I’m just trying to think too about the piece of grief that you talk about in faith shifting and then the freedom on the other side, it’s so worth it.

Kathy Escobar (43:11)
Yeah, yeah, and you know the thing about grief, it’s so important is that it really does, I’m still sad. I’m 20 years, and honestly the 20 year mark has kind of had me reflecting on a lot of things because it’s a big ritual, you know, it’s a celebration and I look back 20 years is a long time and I just remembered those early years and The Refuge is totally different than it is what started. It started as a like eclectic, kind of emerging faith community that was built on the 12 steps of recovery and the Beatitudes. But it also was more Jesusy and more evangelical-y then than it is now. I look back to old writing and things that I wrote, it was just a different place.

But I think that the grief for me, it doesn’t just go away just because we reimagine and that’s what probably is the best illustration to me of all of these is their cycles and so we touch on it. Like, I’m in a really good place, I don’t ever look back and long. I don’t paint pictures of Egypt. I don’t do any of that I did but I don’t anymore but it’s still sad for me and the saddest part out of everything for me is that in 20 years not that much has changed in the systems. And that is just, that’s a travesty. And because so many other things have evolved, cultures evolved.

We know so much more about brain science people. And we know so much more in 20 years. We have access to so much greater good. And it just has not translated to most evangelical fundamentalist church systems. So that is grief. I do feel it. And part of grief is anger. And you talked on the ex-Good Christian and the Good Christian side, I am mad. I’m not nearly as mad as I was in the early days. I was just like, look out, because I had never really in any of my systems or my family been able to express anger.

But I am really mad and sad that they influenced this many people and it’s this harmful. And that there’s a rise now, like I feel like we made a lot of progress, and now there’s a rise that’s, I don’t think it’s real, real, on the ground it doesn’t feel real, as real as what we see on social media, now in the national media, because of this administration, but, there’s not a groundswell on the ground for that. There are far more amazing Methodist churches and progressive things and activists and, you know, all the people on the ground, like really trying to build a better community. But it does feel really sad that these things are being propped up in such a clear way and that they’re being attached to our our system that said it was supposed to be church and state, honestly. And so I have a lot of grief about that and a lot of anger.

And I think we all do, not everyone, those that are struggling with it, it’s really tapping into that. So even though I’m not as tuned in to the feelings that I had all those years ago, I still have feelings. And I think that that’s of grief because grief has no rules, it’s waves, it’s not stages, it just comes in little waves. The waves right now are not these big waves that overwhelm me, but they do bubble up and it’s sad. It’s sad.

Ruth Perry (46:46)
Yeah. Yeah, it’s hard not to be overwhelmed right now.

Kathy Escobar (46:49)
Yeah, it is. And that’s why resourcing is so important. You know, we were talking about, embodiment and resourcing. We need tools to help us be healthy.

And those look different every person, but whatever are the tools that help us be really centered and grounded and clear. And that’s why healing in this process, that’s why I love the work that you’ve been doing for all these years, because I’ve been following you all these years. I’m not on social media a bunch, but I get things on my feed and there’s good stuff. And it’s resourcing, that’s what it is. And so it’s trying to support people, to be really supported. And I think, you know, so many things now are really related to regulating our nervous systems. And none of that was in church. Nothing was about that. It was kind of detaching and having some spiritual experience but we didn’t have like those ways to do things in the moment and really do it in our whole bodies.

And the other part about resourcing our kindreds. You know, that’s what this project is all about. That’s what you guys are all about. Is that we are with other people that go, my gosh, yes, this is me. And it’s really hard, but I’m not alone. I’m with other people and that’s where I think the juice of faith shift, finding your way into re-imagining and through the unraveling process of having kindreds is so important. And I think right now in 2026 and what we’re up against, which is hard, we have got to be with people who help us. Resourcing is we change states because of it.

And so we might move from dysregulated to, that’s resourcing. So people help us do that. The tools do too. And so we have to get out of our lives, things that just make it worse and get in our lives. Things, people that help us really change states to last. And I think more and more people are finding it, but I do think it’s really hard in the technology world right now.

I saw something from Scott Painter’s work. Do you know anything about it? Yeah, Scott the Painter. And there was just a thing on doom scrolling. And it was like in a shark and it’s like doom scrolling. Don’t do it. And so it was really good because there were all these things you could do.

Ruth Perry (49:01)
Yeah, Scott the painter.

Kathy Escobar (49:14)
and they are all amazing things. Just get outside, call a friend, read a book, eat an apple. I remember thinking those are none of the things that would be suggested in the old system that we were in. And they’re all so simple. That’s the other part of resourcing and of being more embodied and greater freedom, mystery, and diversity is it’s simpler, less complex. We don’t have to have this long list of things to be okay. That’s the breaking the codependency. It’s like we’re secure and free and it’s pretty simple and it’s enough.

And that is part of unraveling, honestly, is just getting rid of all the things that you don’t need so we can travel lighter. And I think more people are going, I cannot travel heavy in this season. My backpack needs to have the least amount of stuff in it, because it’s hard enough to walk to work right now.

Ruth Perry (50:10)
Yeah. That’s a good word. You give me a lot to chew on and you’ve encouraged my faith and my journey and I hope you ⁓ encourage a lot of others and I hope people do read your book, Faith Shift. Where else can they follow you on social media, Kathy? What are you doing?

Kathy Escobar (50:13)
Thank you so much. Well, the best thing definitely because I have a few projects after that one that people might like Practicing and I have A Weary World for Christmas holiday hard and Turning Over Tables is my newest one related to disrupting power and so that might really resonate with some people right now. The best thing to do is go to my website which is Kathy Escobar.com and then it has the links. I’m on Instagram and I’m on Facebook. I’m not the best over there.

Probably my best way to connect right now is through the website, but I do have a Substack. I started writing again last year more regularly and I’m working on a new project called New Ways for a New World, Life and Faith Beyond Binary’s Boxes and Borders. And so I’ve been writing in that stream right now and I’m really happy about it. feels good for me too because I think that’s the new conversation is how do we do this? New ways. We need new ways for a new world because the world has changed so much just since four years. Then you take eight, then you take ten. You know, it’s just changed so much. So yeah, just go over there and you’ll find all the links.

Ruth Perry (51:29)
Yeah. Kathy Escobar.com and thank you so much, Kathy. God bless you.

Kathy Escobar (51:37)
It was so fun hanging out with you


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